[SpiritRunner]

So today I laid down my emotional armor in front of T.....I made a shield to be symbolic of that emotionally. It was so powerful, even before I went, to have that tangible symbol of my emotional armor, something real that I could see, something separate from me, something I could lay down....
So T liked it!
First I held it, like you hold a shield, with my arm through the loops I put on the back for putting it on your arm. And I said, first of all, that it was representing the way I deflect emotions so I don't have to feel them all, so that not all the power in them hits me, so that others' words/actions don't hurt me so much. The way I ask her a question back when she asks me one, avoiding or deflecting the question so I don't have to face the feelings/thoughts brought up by it; the way I intellectualize or spiritualize so that I can deflect the emotion, deflect the power of it, to dilute the intensity of how it hits me.....
Then I told her I didn't want to do that anymore, I wanted to lay down the shield, because it felt so odd to be sitting there holding it.....I meant to really lay it down, but instead ending up handing it to her at the last moment! Which shocked her at first, though she said she saw the switch....at first, she was like, I don't want it! I wasn't bothered, because I knew what she meant.....that she didn't want to be the armor-bearer for me, for one thing, that it wasn't hers to take from me, to rescue me.
Anyway, so then we discussed how I had made it, with the tin foil covering and the heart I drew and colored on it. She said, were you deliberate in making it reflective, making it look more like metal armor? And this heart, is it really your heart? What did you mean by making it this way?
I had made the heart to show that I was shielding the fullness of my heart, from her and others in general, and that I wanted to shield less of my heart and share more. But her question was, is this really your heart or just the heart you want to be seen, are you just pretending to open all your heart? Good question.....the answer is, I have always been careful what part of my heart I showed, I have showed some of my heart, in a sense, worn the heart I wanted people to see on my sleeve and hidden the true heart.
She said to me that she could often see me hiding....like when she read my journaling, I would turn away from her, like shielding myself. Wanting to be seen, yet shielding myself. So I said, so I want to hide, I'm trying to hide, I want you to see my heart and yet I want to hide. But if you see I'm hiding, how I am hiding? Then she pushed me to look into that comment further, what does it mean, how I am hiding if she sees me hiding? Well, it means I am found already....so why keep hiding if my hiding place is seen, if I am found?! But she said, you still have the protective stance....shielding yourself.
She was holding it the whole time we discussed this. But then gave it back to me to hold while we talked a little more, because she wanted me to hold it. She told me it was OK to hold it when I needed to, when I didn't feel safe, when I felt like hiding, and it was OK to put it down. So after a bit, I put it down, and we discussed how it felt to put it down.....and it felt oddly light and liberating.... She told me I could pick it up again if I wanted, and I said, no, I want to sit here without shielding myself.
So when she read my journaling, instead of turning away from her as usual, I faced her, and tried to keep my body open instead of closed up in a ball with arms and legs crossed and pulled against me.....
In my journaling, I mentioned the robe of light (from my other thread, emotional armor) and how I could wear that instead of heavy metal armor (so to speak). She liked that thought and thought it would be a beautiful idea to go find a necklace charm or something to represent that and wear it.
In the end, she kept my shield in her office and put it in a safe place and I am free to use it anytime I need to in the future!
She thought it was wonderful that I made the shield and said it took guts to bring it in and to go through with using it and discussing it and being vulnerable with her. I was nervous beforehand and told her so.....she told she a story about something that made her nervous, which helped me relax, actually. But she said she was honored I trusted her with this, with laying down my shield to be transparent with her.....
Anyway, no one has to read all of this, this is just me processing my session out loud in a way to help myself and if anyone listened in to all of it, I am impressed!

[Suratji]

Your story is so touching. It's like you have such a deep understanding of how emotions work and how to learn to manage them. I was so interested in how you would use the symbolism of the shield and now I know. I need to study your words carefully so that maybe I can access some of the wisdom that you embody.

Does this mean you will change how much of your heart you'll share? That you'll know when you can let down your guard? How will you know that? Our shield has its purpose. Were you able to talk specifics in your session? - Like how the shield can be lowered in certain situations and how it should be used in others?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Your story is so touching. It's like you have such a deep understanding of how emotions work and how to learn to manage them. I was so interested in how you would use the symbolism of the shield and now I know. I need to study your words carefully so that maybe I can access some of the wisdom that you embody.

Does this mean you will change how much of your heart you'll share? That you'll know when you can let down your guard? How will you know that? Our shield has its purpose. Were you able to talk specifics in your session? - Like how the shield can be lowered in certain situations and how it should be used in others?

It means I want to be more honest and transparent with the people who have truly earned my trust and deserve honesty from me. It means I am willing to be more honest about my true feelings, reasonably speaking, be more honest with myself about my true feelings, too.....hide less of who I am, what I really feel. That is, if I feel moved, touched, teary, to be willing to show that; if I am upset, to be honest and try to deal with it in a manner both open and appropriate; if I am hurt, to say so, rather than act as if something is no big deal; to be vulnerable when i feel vulnerable. Not with everyone indiscriminately, of course, but with discretion and discernment.....self-protection is still necessary, as T said. The shield is a rightful thing to have....
Her main point was to be able to think of it as separate from myself and not as heavy.....and to be able to trust that I can lower it with some people, in some situations. No, we didn't get to specifics, but that's for another session!
Thanks for reading it all!

[Can't Stop Crying]

Proud of you! that took strength...

[OrangeMoira]

That's so lovely! Symbols can be so powerful. Great way to mark your transition into being more vulnerable. (((Poetgirl)))

(((((((((((Poetgirl)))))))))))

A couple of years ago I brought a box that I painted to my session. I worked really hard on it. T and I always talked about "containing" things, and I wanted to have a real container in his office where I could leave stuff...either symbolically, or literally (by writing things down and putting them in there).

I felt so so so shy about bringing it and it took most of the session for me to show it to him, but in the end, it ended up on his desk, and it's there to this day

This was much earlier in therapy when I wasn't as openly vulnerable as I am now, and it was a very vulnerable moment for me...and I found out that there is something very powerful in being vulnerable (what a weird sentence). It's like...putting aside all of that fear and self-judgement and being brave enough to say "here I am, here is what I need to heal, here is how I need you to help me".

And you did it! And it sounds like your T understood the importance of it, and how brave you were to bring it in.

You are doing such good work, poetgirl

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((Poetgirl)))))))))))

A couple of years ago I brought a box that I painted to my session. I worked really hard on it. T and I always talked about "containing" things, and I wanted to have a real container in his office where I could leave stuff...either symbolically, or literally (by writing things down and putting them in there).

I felt so so so shy about bringing it and it took most of the session for me to show it to him, but in the end, it ended up on his desk, and it's there to this day

This was much earlier in therapy when I wasn't as openly vulnerable as I am now, and it was a very vulnerable moment for me...and I found out that there is something very powerful in being vulnerable (what a weird sentence). It's like...putting aside all of that fear and self-judgement and being brave enough to say "here I am, here is what I need to heal, here is how I need you to help me".

And you did it! And it sounds like your T understood the importance of it, and how brave you were to bring it in.

You are doing such good work, poetgirl

thank you tree! yes, there is something powerful in being vulnerable actually.....because we are having power over our own fear of being vulnerable and being hurt and over shame and pain, too.....
I am so thankful T not only understood, she valued and honored it. She saw the symbolism and she saw what cost it was to me to do it, too, and respected that, and me. It means so much to me to see T's respect for me too.....

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

thank you tree! yes, there is something powerful in being vulnerable actually.....because we are having power over our own fear of being vulnerable and being hurt and over shame and pain, too.....
I am so thankful T not only understood, she valued and honored it. She saw the symbolism and she saw what cost it was to me to do it, too, and respected that, and me. It means so much to me to see T's respect for me too.....

Thank you for sharing this story. I am sitting here in tears so wishing I could be so real with my fairly new T. I lost my previous one of many years who I could be more real with 2 years ago. I am trying but it is hard to trust again.I am so glad you had such a meaningful and moving session with your T. Treasure every bit of it and I hope you have so many more.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by nannypat

Thank you for sharing this story. I am sitting here in tears so wishing I could be so real with my fairly new T. I lost my previous one of many years who I could be more real with 2 years ago. I am trying but it is hard to trust again.I am so glad you had such a meaningful and moving session with your T. Treasure every bit of it and I hope you have so many more.

I hope you can come to the same place with your new T, a place of being able to trust and to be real. I know it's hard, but so worth it!

[Sweetlove]

Great job Poetgirl! I am just starting to lay down my shield and ready to give up the masks. It is so hard but so worth it

[bpd mess]

Wow! That's the step I'm trying really hard to make (and sometimes trying really hard not to make). I'm not quite brave enough yet. Maybe if I read this a few more times, it will help me get there. Thanks.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Absolutely amazing PoetGirl!! WAY TO GO!!

[granite1]

wow this is such an inspiration to me.it must have been so hard for you and amazingly brave.not only to bring in the shield like you did but to be willing to lower it also

[SpiritRunner]

today I am going to go buy myself a little necklace charm, something like that, to wear as reminder I have laid down the heavy shield, the heavy old armor, and am now wearing something lighter and more beautiful.....something I can take off and put on, something separate from me, something more freeing and something stronger than what I had!
today I want to remember the power in being vulnerable and be honest and open even when it hurts. today I want to remember to lay down the mask, the charade, and and just let myself be as I am, be who I am, in the here and now.

[karebear1]

I like that PG. You sound very calm and at peacel with this last session and your decision to lay everything down.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by karebear1

I like that PG. You sound very calm and at peace with this last session and your decision to lay everything down.

it was such a good session and such hard work, why waste the effort by reverting back to the old armor, old ways?! actually, the true work is in maintaining the new habit, maintaining/growing the work done in session, outside of session in RL......but I am nothing if not determined to do what I need to do to move forward in this new way of being, because I see how much better it can be if I do!

[Sannah]

WOW!!!!!!!! What great work pgirl!!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

WOW!!!!!!!! What great work pgirl!!

sannah, I am so impressed and touched that you went back through so many threads and responded to them even though they must have been far back by now!
thank you for reading my old posts.....the work still feels fresh but it's good for me to read this again to keep it fresh, I want this work to stay fresh. Don't want to forget and take up the old armor......
I did buy myself something symbolic of laying down the old armor......a heart about 1.5 by 2 inches, clear glass gemstone.....it's light and easy to wear, the light can pass through it, and it's like letting more of my heart be seen on the outside instead of hiding it all behind thick ugly armor!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Good for you PoetGirl!!