As good as it gets?

((((sawe)))) thanks!

Exactly!

Being able to step back and do this was so hard, but it truly took my healing to a deeper level. I'm so glad you are feeling these realisations and feel like you're reaching towards a deeper level of growth.

Isn't it great the conversations we have here on PC? - that we can work through our thoughts with input from others? What a wonderful resource all of you are.

Here! Here! This is quite a wonderful place!

So, T is back in town, although I don't see her next until Monday. But she did call to say she had not received the email I talked about in my phone message and didn't know if I changed my mind or didn't get her message.
? I didn't get any message before this one

In the call today, she repeated her email address and it turns out when she wrote it down, she forgot to include the numbers after her name and before the domain name.

I don't think I'll send the email. I might, but I've had time to think and I dont' know if I want to. However, it is what I was feeling at that moment. And I could send the previous one that she also didn't get, which we've talked about but I had more in the email - it was just about being excited about going to a book signing and how good I felt, and there were a couple of pics.

I didn't expect her to call, and when I heard her voice I realized that I had been expecting her to be angry at me about the last session where I retreated and was angry toward her. She was just happy, normal T

you know, it's perfectly ok to send an email and clarify that you felt this way earlier but don't anymore. if anything, that can be a little easier because there is some distance between you and the stuff in the email. it is still valuable info for your t and can lead to really deep discussions and help you both understand what you're reacting to and why. if you're not wanting to send it now because you effectively want to hide it (eg if you would feel bad or shamed or guilty for saying these things now), well that means you definately need to give it to her (lol which i know super sucks, but so much of healing is about showing stuff we're bad/guilty/ashamed of to t and finding we're still acceptable anyway).

I would find it seriously unnerving to not be sure i had the right email address. it might be worthwhile sending a test email to the new address you've given her and asking for a quick reply from her confirming she got your email. lol i'd definately do that before sending anything vulnerable to that email address.

Thanks! I might just do that. In fact I know I will because the to be here again, with the urge to hide again, after all this thinking and talking about retreating/hiding.. lol...

When I heard her voice in the voicemail message, it stirred up my desire to hide from her again. Strange... happy to hear her voice, glad that's she's back, and wanting to hide everything that has been going on with me since we last met.

I did send the email and told her that it was how I felt then but not now:

Dear T,

I hope you had a good holiday.

Thank you for your phone call today. Now I have your correct email address. I didn't have the [[numbers]] part of it before.
I don't have the email that I sent about the book signing. I must have deleted it. I'm disappointed - I really wanted to send that.
I wonder if the 'wrong' [[name of person with same name as T, who received my email]] (below) would send it back to me...

So, here is the email I tried to send Monday the 18th.
This is how I felt at that time but not how I feel now. I wanted to send it because the one thing that last session showed me is how much, how fast, how far I retreat when I am angry, feeling attacked, feeling blamed, feeling shamed.
After sitting with all this a while, I realized that, for once, I'm able to see my reponse of retreating.
And instead of focusing only on what caused my response, I have been able to look at my response separately and it feels pretty exciting to be able to do this, and to not be too afraid to look.

I want to talk about this more.

Thanks and welcome back.

ECHOES

She replied a very short line, mostly to acknowledge that I have the correct email address, I think, because I expect email to be one way, me to her. Although we didn't talk much about how it would work. I had asked for this several years ago because I feel like I write better than I talk.

She replied "You really write clearly,i am eager to hear more."

So, finally she got my email I hope I can talk about all of the things we've talked about here. I'm going to print this thread at the library tomorrow to take with me on Monday

Very good!

Fantastic

You did an excellent job of expressing yourself and recognizing that you use retreating as a coping skill. That's a giant step and I hope it will lead to a whole new level of self-discovery! I'm proud of you!

When I posted the above, I forgot to include the older email that I was forwarding to T:

Why do you do that?
Yes, I was disconnected, because again - you chose a topic and wouldn't let go, even when I said I wanted to.
I can't think and respond when you are talking rapid-fire. Or maybe you do that just to prove that point? I don't know. I felt like it was your session, not mine. I wanted to tell you about the dream I mentioned when I came in, but there was no room or time.

I wanted this session to be connecting because you aren't there next week. Something you barely remembered to tell me.

When I talk about my feelings, like how I felt over the weekend, I feel like you quickly brush that aside. They doen't matter. I was going to tell you that tonight, and that I feel like therapy is not a place for feelings, but another place where they should be buried.

Is the point of therapy to make me realize or accept that I am alone?

I think you don't like me but I can deal with that.

Are you tired of me?