I don't know where to start : )

Hello, new here...searching for answers. I see a psychologist...and for meds, a psychiatrist.

I seem to be locked in a self-defeating, ever-repeating pattern and am not sure how to move forward so i'll try to summarize.

A) i am a male in a partnership for decades but within the past 5-6 years began questioning my happiness with it.

B) i am clinically depressed and take wellbutrin as well as benzodiazepene 'as-needed' for a sort of constant low to high fluctuating anxiety - i am a performer and tend to get super self-conscious with anticipatory anxiety issues for which i take valium to help moderate this and enable me to focus and perform.

C) actually the prime reason i've turned here is... i have been procrastinating terribly over the course of 5-7 years - on re-engaging what used to be a passionate and successful self-marketing 'routine' - which is vital to my business as a freelancer - but find myself in a state of constant over-thinking to the extent that i have become a sort of mental 'hoarder' - unable to follow through to completion, most of my great ideas for distributing marketing materials - i.e., keep-in-touch efforts to maintain relationships with longtime clients and/or generate new business from tons of contact information that i gather with the 'intent' to pursue business with.

My success is dependent largely on producing and distributing 'demos' - which are like an artist's portfolio - but while i have accumulated literally hundreds of work samples, i find it entirely daunting and undesirable to sit down and start 'doing' the work of organizing, narrowing down, and assembling - a new work portfolio - always second-guessing whether what i am considering is 'good enough' or otherwise just sort of daydreaming as a diversion from the work of focusing and carrying out the act of putting this stuff together and just getting it into the hands of my prospects.... this delaying has extended to updating of my website - and basically any sort of outbound marketing efforts - to the extent that my work has become primarily dependent on past client repeat-business because i keep short-circuiting - it's like -- i 'know' i must get motivated but the drive and passion for doing it really fluctuates radically - and i just keep falling into a malaise...and frequent 'brain fog' - where whole days just pass and if i'm not actually working on jobs, i don't do anything with that free time to advance my career - it is clearly a variation of self-sabotage - i have the know-how, the credentials/success to tout...and the inherent ability - but lack the drive to stay with any given project - concentration is difficult at best.

On top of this i am conflicted about how to find better therapy help - i feel like going to another counselor after working with the same one for 5 years or so now is futile - or to some extent just like starting from square one - having to try to consolidate everything from scratch whereas the guy i've seen has already got the 'picture' - i just don't think he has really advanced me or been as aggressive in getting me out of this rut - as perhaps another therapist might - and the psychiatrist is essentially the non-counseling variety - strictly a medication prescriber whose visits are basically 15-20 minutes to discuss whether the wellbutrin is working ok and do i need new refills for either that or the anx. med.

so there's a start. i hope to be able to contribute something for others here if i can - but for now, am kind of lost about how to deal with the above matters, and...well, it depresses me but mostly just keeps me in a general state of doubt and indecision....

thanks for reading and hope you had a nice weekend,

mike e

Hi Mike

Welcome to PC!

It sounds like you are feeling stuck...I wonder if your current T has taken you as far as he can, and it's time to move on?

One place that I found really helpful was the Psychology Today website...there is a "find a therapist" link that lets you search in your area and read descriptions of each T written by the T themselves. Perhaps just looking around and seeing what else is out there will help?

As for the marketing stuff you're stuck on...my T has worked with me a LOT on "good enough". I get so frozen sometimes thinking things have to be perfect...when really, they just have to be "good enough". Sometimes if I can remind myself of that, it helps me keep moving forward.

Hi Tree , thanks! Yep, feeling stuck...and kind of chronic uncertainty - even though it is very irrational.... I think you're right - that i should at least talk to another therapist or two...if just to get a feeling that i'm moving forward by doing that in itself....

Re: my business issues - i have talked about this with the 'T' and he has pointed out my perfectionism - i agree that - in reality - my 'good enough' is just fine - i see this perfectionism as a very insidious thing - it is the essence of what holds me back - onset is quite subtle but for me - very hard to 'let go' and let it all just flow... so often, i am reminded that my best work is when i 'just do it' - before i have a chance to 'think about it' - if you know what i mean. It's the whole self-judging thing that gets in the way of my free flow of expression that reflects my best work and highest potential..... a vexing phenomenon... this is really where i wish i had a more proactive and passionate therapist to zero in and work on this. I recognize that at a certain point, if a therapist advises you to do something and you just don't follow through with doing what they suggest that there's not much more they can do.... however, this is really the very problem i'm trying to overcome with "everything" - only now it's manifesting itself even when it comes to actualizing suggestions from the therapist -- i mean - i guess i can see how i'm a tough 'patient' in that scenario ; )

I like what Tree said..maybe test the waters and see if another T will help you with what your looking for. A med check isn't much of a chance to have in-depth discussions that might help you focus on getting more motivated. I'm a perfectionist also, always second guessing myself.
I can't help but notice a parallel in where you feel like you are with T and where you feel like you are in your career...maybe a new T could give a new perspective? Just a thought.

Welcome to PC!

Welcome. It sounds like you have a good idea of what you need and where you need to go. Sometimes a T brings us to a certain place and then we need a new one to bring us farther. But sometimes we quit before we do the hard work. I guess what I am saying is have the convo with your t about "is this as far as we can go, or do you have something else you really want to work with me on". (maybe said more eloquently )

It is for me an interesting - no...more a vexing game i play with myself -i guess it could be clinically diagnosed as a passive-aggressive pattern - hearing - and knowing that - what this "T" (ok will adopt that shorthand here and now : ) is doing his best to get me to do - vs. this rather ingrained habit to Just "NOT" Do It. The clarity of what I need to do, fluctuates, as I say...
this in itself is a big issue - the lack of a consistent momentum, drive, determination, whatever the descriptor. It's like - when i'm "on" and "in the zone" i'm inspired to move forward - i get that old sense of desire that moved me to succeed and fueled the passion to see stuff through - but it simply doesn't stay locked in like it used to ... i will try to articulate this again with my current therapist i guess...before just moving on after 5 or so years with him.

thanks