Changing your enviroment throwing you off......

Something happened yesterday that has gotten me thinking. We are having some remodeling of our kitchen done so yesterday our kitchen was filled with men and there was dust everywhere.

It threw me a bit and made me "out of sorts with myself". What it got me thinking about was this changing the environment and having it affect me so much.

I developed with an attachment to my environment instead of to people while growing up? I have since developed relationships with my husband and children but I must still have a very strong attachment to environment. So when my environment gets altered it throws me off?

I googled about object relations but couldn't find what I was looking for.

Having dust everywhere reminds me of the need to have everything okay in the environment and then I will be okay thinking. I have worked on this quite a bit and I can tolerate a lot more then I used to but it still kicks in sometimes I guess.

Any comments welcome please........

I don't have anything wise to say, except that I do relate! As a friend of mine says, I am very much a status quo person, and when things are happening that are out of the norm, it throws me off....
I like order in my environment too, I think in part because it makes me feel like I am more in order when my environment is. And it has something to with being controlling, controlling what I can....and reflecting on the desire/need to feel more controlled, ordered within, when I actually have such a tendency to feel uncontrolled, disordered within.....
I want order and control where I can have it!

No advice here, just kind of an "I hear you" type of comment. I don't like change at all, either. But the reaction to change seems delayed, maybe because I'm older now and I try not to show it for as long as I can. When we moved to Chicago, I was fine (or told myself I was) for a year, then completely lost it around September 2009 -- spiraled down, starting staying in bed all the time, eating was thrown off, irritable...

Today I'm feeling a little off again, possibly because it's the first day of a new semester at school, among other things. So all I can say, try to pay close attention to what you're feeling and why, if you can figure that out. Sounds like you've already got a pretty good handle on it.

No more insight for you, just an "I can relate." I'm very sensitive to changes in my environment, and it always throws me off until I have a chance to adjust and accept the changes.

This is so me. I have gotten out of bed not being able to sleep because something in the house was in disarray, fixed it and then went back to bed. Not just dusty or something but out of order. I can't so easily fix the inside.

Attachment theory use to talk about the "safe place" for toddlers to explore from. Usually that meant the mother who'd be sitting on the bench in the park and the toddler would range from there, always coming back to make sure they were still there, kind of like a yo-yo :-) Think of the first explorers who were worried the earth may be flat having to go out and maybe go over the "edge".

I think it's very possible that one could, not having an adult "available", get so one equated a literal place or the place one "knew" as safe and used that as the base to range from.

I remember when I went to T one week and they were working on a building in the development such that I had to take a different "route" through the large parking lot to get to T's office building. It was very scary and upsetting and I was a bit early so I started working on "why" while I waited for T. I finally figured out that I was feeling "exposed" going a different "route", I was out in the "open" and, as a child/teen, if my stepmother noticed me, it was usually to criticize me (which, if you think about it, is like being shot at :-) so the object was to not be noticed, to have my own tunnels and ways of going where it was routine/safe/not noticed over time because it just "was" that way so the details (that I was there) were forgotten/unnoticed/unremarked upon. But something being done "differently" means that people notice things suddenly that they may not have before. You've been flushed out of your safe kitchen and now you're exposed

Don't know if that's your case. I found this by DocJohn that I found interesting, kind of how we may "make" a space "ours" and need that sense of belonging to a literal space?

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ense-of-place/

hell..i went to therapy today & lasted 5 minutes because they got new rugs & the glue/new rug odor caused my asthma to flare & i crashed & burned.

came in sat down & said.."still reeling from bin laden ptsd (i have major issues having worked at a job involved in terrorism on a daily basis & retired from it), mothers day sucked...big time ptsd abuse trauma for me & oh by the way i can't breathe from your office fumes. gotta go."

left with her behind me as i hacked & coughed & wheezed my way out of the place.

does that count?

stumpy

Thank you everyone for replying.

Perna, attachment is what I think is going on here. I venture out and come back for comfort in my space. These men took my space! Thank you for your thoughts on this!

The men left today. I cleaned up (they clean up too but I do it a second time! ) and then I had a huge urge to eat chocolate. Yes, I am known to comfort eat! (Though episodes of it has been decreasing through out the years). (And yes, I ate the chocolate, though full aware that I was comfort eating!)

So yes, attachment, I couldn't attach to my mom and only somewhat to my dad so I must have attached to my space? I have definitely made my home my space. I need time alone here to recharge. (Hubby goes to work and kids to school and I need this time).

Those men invaded my space! I couldn't wait for them to leave so that I could re-center myself. And they didn't just work here for a few hours, they stayed for a long time and moved things around and made things messy. I've never had trouble with other workers coming because they don't stay for long or disorder things so much.

So what does one do when attached to their space? This attachment to a caregiver is important, so if you don't have a good attachment what needs to be done?

Stumpy, so sorry to hear about your asthma being triggered!

pgirl, ordering the outside because the inside isn't ordered, I like that explanation.

I completely understand this. I can get very fearful about things that are really mundane (e.g. what drink to have) because I worry people will judge me badly. Having routine/a set way of interacting/set assumptions about me makes life a lot easier for me (although other people may not perceive it to be that way).

What is the difference between liking your space and being attached to your space? I think I may be a tad confused, are you attached to your space meaning your house or your space meaning your personal space/head space? It doesn't sound that being attached is that healthy if it makes you so off-centre.

I understand though about needing time out. I need to be on my own for a period of time during the day. It isn't nice to have strangers in your house. I wouldn't like that either and I'm sure it hasn't been a relaxing environment to live in! Maybe you could find another place to 'retreat' to if in the future your house is undergoing renovations?

I don't like people in my home...I am not anti social, and I am a great hostess, but I hate people in my safe place..and when they leave I tend to go around and touch things kind of to restore balance. (I don't know I'm doing it until H or kids points it out). Having workers in and making a mess would totally throw me off...heck I get thrown when there are dishes in the sink...lol

I can totally relate. I love being with people, but it needs to be under my terms and my control. When my son was young, I had no problem having play dates and sleep overs in my house . . . okay, it wasn't easy because yelling, non sleeping kids is always a bit disconcerning, but I knew it was important for my son and I did my share. BUT when he got older, I hated coming home to find a group of sullen, angry young men in my house when I wasn't expecting it. I didn't mind when I KNEW they were coming over before hand, but when it was unexpected, I had to really clamp down on my emotions and "deal". I remember once going away for two weeks and coming home very very jet lagged. My twenty year old son told me that he had an appointment and would be back in three hours. I told him I was going to take a nap. Exhausted, I collapsed in my bed and fell asleep. I woke up twenty minutes later to hear footsteps on the second floor. I jumped up, my heart pounding. When I walked out into the main living room, I found a young man I didn't know. I was able to ask him who he was and he told me he was a friend of my son's who had said he could stay until he came home. I politely asked him to leave. I don't think I would have been as freaked if my son had told me that the guy was upstairs while I was sleeping.
My son is all grown up and moved out, but even now I have a hard time when the landlord of my condo knocks on the door unexpectedly and wants access to "fix something". I handle it, but I don't feel calm and in my peaceful place!

Several things come to mind for me.
When I take care of clutter in my apartment, I find myself very soothed and can think clearer. I'm calmer.
When my environment changes, it is upsetting. Possibly because when I was growing up, I didn't have predictable people in my life. I think that people being unpredictable created feelings of unfamiliarity and panic. But the environment that didn't change was predictable and familiar, so that is where I got a sense of those things.
Initially I wanted to say it is about control, and maybe there is some aspect of that to it, but I think it goes deeper than just control. Control not for the sake of control, but as a way of preserving what is there that gives me the feelings of predictability and familiarity.

Hi Sannah
A few years ago we had a complete remodel done to the kitchen and porch. It lasted 6 months and during those 6 months, I never went downstairs. After it was finished I still spend most of my time upstairs. I felt traumatised by all those men and their loudness and the mess created....I'm still not quite over it. I want to appreciate my beautiful kitchen but it feels "off" to me... I think I understand how you feel.

i lived all winter with my kitchen torn appart.i can totally relate.i hated it.sending hugs and i hope they work fast an leave you in pece

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Being more attached makes it more vital IMO. I meant my space in my house not my personal/head space. Yes, I agree that it isn't that healthy. I certainly don't like to feel off center over an inability to connect with my space in my house. It would have been much better to have securely attached to my mother then to have an insecure attachment to my mother and then needing to find an alternative secure attachment in a physical place.

I've been reading up more on attachment. It really is fascinating. I didn't realize it before but I think that this is also where my anxiety started from. If you have a secure attachment to your caregiver you can go to her and be calmed and comforted. If you have an insecure attachment to your caregiver you cannot go to her and be calmed and comforted, hence, anxiety. There is some focus on attachment and emotional regulation. If you cannot go to your caregiver (or they come to you) and be soothed you continue to be emotionally stimulated and there isn't any regulation. If you can be soothed by a caregiver, they affect and therefore, regulate your emotions and then you learn to do the same thing and you can regulate your emotions.

My question previously was what to do about attaching to a physical space as a secure base. I googled some more and found that researchers have been looking at OCD and how these people attach to physical things instead of people.

Sannah, I completely understand. My sister moved in with me a couple of months ago (she was evicted). I've been living in my own apartment for over year and having her move in threw me off my axis. For the first several days, maybe a couple of weeks, I felt so out of sorts, my routines and my environment changed. I called my T not long after my sister moved in and left a message telling her I don't know what's wrong with me, but i feel like i'm going crazy. I was overly agitated, and annoyed and more on edge than normal. She told me it's because there was a change in my life, my environment (there was something else that happened at the time but I cant remember right now). I denied it til the cows came home. I told her my sister moving in had nothing to do with why i was feeling out of sorts (of course i really had no idea why)--i was in denial. It's been about 3 months since my sister moved in and I must say that although I am still a little out of sorts, it's not nearly as bad as it was. I have adjusted to the fact that she will probably be here until she gets back on her feet (I hope it's soon I want my place back).

In the past, growing up, anytime we had people coming into our home to do work (my mom was obsessed with redecorating and renovating--among other things) I hated it. My room was the only place I go could where nothing changed, the only place that no one interrupted my "norm".

So, long story short I get it!

wikip says "Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this [dismissive] attachment style. People with a dismissive–avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners)."

My guess is, try to be more aware of your feelings, especially anxious feelings about your relationships with others that might lead you not to feel as loved as you could.

I would have to go along with the aspect of familiarity. Maybe not so much attached to the space, but perhaps comforted by the feelings the space has provided you. It's familiar and you know your way around it. You feel confident and secure knowing things are as they are.

When my daughter was about 8 we had to get a new refrigerator and couch. She was so upset! We actually took photos of her with these objects, and this helped her tremendously. Maybe in her case, the idea of things disappearing was frightening too. I do think that attachment is in here somewhere. There comes a time when we must separate from what brings us comfort and security, and this leaves us a little more on our own. Interesting to think about.

Thanks for this Learning! This certainly gives me something to think about! You know when you read something that you know is important but you just can't grasp why it is so important? It is like you have to swallow it and digest it. This is one of those times. This seems very valuable to me. Thank you for taking the time to analyze and put this together for me!

I am so good at hiding my feelings and I have always handled rejection just fine. Now I can see why!

Anxious feelings about my relationships and not feeling as loved is really hitting the nail on the head!! Thanks again!