Attachment and intimacy and emotional regulation

sannah, i dont understand why it was the wrong choice. im not disagreeing with you. just the others dont fit. i know i have low self esteem. which one or combination should i have choose. i really thought i picked the right one. just wondering where i went wrong. guess this thread was over my head really.

Anyone can be bullied; it doesn't have that much to do with the person being bullied as it does with the person doing the bullying and what they perceive.

http://www.youngscot.org/channels/fe...&sr=66&ID=2702

I agree with Sannah on this one. The way one reacts to attempted bullying depends on one's inner state, not solely on how someone outside attempts to control you. It is possible to roll with the punches and not be floored by them.

Suzzie, I don't think that you made a wrong choice at all! You know yourself much better then I know you. I know you have times of not trusting people (from what you write) but then you are able to approach some people here with more trust. I'm just questioning that maybe sometimes some people don't fit completely into the category or that maybe we sometimes peek out of it??

Perna, I looked at that link and I agree with what it says. Bullies will try to get you to feel bad about anything that they can but the difference between someone who succumbs to this and those who aren't bothered by it is the self worth of the person. Everyone can get bullied a first time but only the vulnerable to it will continue to get bullied. This is exactly what Pachy is saying.

I teach a bully program as a volunteer and this is what I teach them and the bullying stops once I get the kid to feel better about himself. When the bullying ceases to bother them anymore the bullying stops pronto.

My level of awareness on this whole issue has increased so much. It has made me aware of this underlying state of anxiety that I wasn't really aware of. I have looked at my anxiety from many angles but never from this psychodynamic point of view. The awareness is half the battle like Perna and Learning have said. It feels like a veil has been lifted from me and now I can see better. Wow! Pgirl, it is fascinating isn't it!

I agree with Perna. Saying securely attached children don't get bullied makes it sound like it's the victim's fault, because it's about the victim. I'm sure that having more self confidence is a way kids can deal with it better, just like having more self confidence is a way that battered women can deal with it better. But bullying and battering can happen to anyone and it's not their fault.

bullying and battering can and do happen to anyone, but many predators seem to have an almost uncanny ability to pick the "weak" ones out of a crowd. It's not without reason that a vast majority (something I read this week said 80+%) of victims of SA were also victims of CSA or some other form of abuse or trauma earlier in their life. Part of that has to do with an inability to know how to protect oneself, and some has to do with the repetition compulsion, but surely some of it has to do with how one presents, the "vibes" an individual gives off.

I almost wonder if something about the character of an abuser doesn't give them an innate ability to sense the damaged core of a prior abuse/neglect victim.

yes, it is! no wonder I am having such a high level of anxiety these days learning about this stuff within me (added to the med affecting me too.....yipes!)

I am more anxious and more avoidant than average. I'm fearfully avoidant. And I am going to go out on a limb here and say that as rare as that style is in real life (I think like 60% are secure), it's probably the most common in forums as these because if you are fearful you are anxious about relationships= have problems, worry a lot, but also avoidant enough that you need an "aside" outlet from real life, where you won't get rejected for it and can control what you share.

Yes when I am waiting for the phone to ring or scared of being alone I say to myself "lastyear we are being a wee bit anxious right now" and it really helps. It is harder to figure out when you're being avoidant (because, that's the point) but you can just tell when people are comfortable with intimacy and secure and want to have a relationship, and it's really really nice for everyone!!! My goal is to get SECURE!!!

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

This is a good link if you wanna take a quiz on it!

Every relationship takes 2. For someone to batter someone or bully someone, they need to take responsibility for that. But the victim also needs to take responsibility. In the case of a battered woman she needs to get out. In the case of a kid who is getting bullied, he can learn what he can do to help himself.

A bully program that teaches a person how to never be bullied again is pretty darn valuable. I have seen this program change kids lives. This isn't a perfect world and all things can't be made right. You do what you can, you do what works.

Thanks LTiB for this quiz! I actually tested secure! My work has paid off!

Yayyyyyy! Hehe, that's great, well done.

I agree with the POV that it's not the bullying victim's fault. That is precisely why that kind of afterschool program is so useful-- because usually in a bullying situation the victim precisely expects not to be rewarded for seeking help. I think a lot of it has to do with resources..... a child whose parents (for example) are on the board of the school is less likely to be bullied... children instinctively can tell, maybe what children's parents have more clout in the community, I really think it's related. Also if you look at things like worldwide-socio economic status, and living conditions, then I think they did this study that showed that people in very poor societies, with little economic support and not a lot of expectation of being protected or cared for, do tend to have more insecure attachment styles. So it does trickle down economically and perhaps it's similar, emotionally- if you look at what child has anxious attachment and who is not being supported by their parents at home, there's probably some overlap there.

There are insecurely attached rich children and securely attached poor children.

Well the study didn't say there aren't... (At least this one didn't!)