[mixedup_emotions]

**** Possible Trigger - CSA mentioned briefly ***

I have been in such a funk lately. I've been lurking on the board, but haven't gained the energy to post. I feel badly that I haven't been supportive or have been keeping myself involved - as I know it's what's good for me and what I need. I feel myself just drifting away, isolating myself....

Last week, I felt such intense sadness. My daughter is 9 years old, and I was making connections between her childhood and mine. Hers is nothing like mine, thankfully....But, it brought back memories of some really difficult times.

So, during my session with T last Thursday, we addressed the sadness. I tried to let T be my "brain" so I could allow my body to talk. It's soo soo sooooo hard for me to do that because I am so cerebral and so disconnected from my body and my feelings.

I shared with T another layer of CSA from my childhood during that session. And about the fear and guardedness that I felt as a child in my neighborhood. I just felt so so so sad....

At the end of the session, he felt SO FAR away from me....That night, T left me a voicemail to check in to see how I was doing, as he knew that I went further than I would normally.

That night and the following day, I was doing TERRIBLY. Anxious, sad, etc. I dreamed of different ways I could end my life (just thoughts, I don't want to die.)...and then I remembered how far away T felt...and I felt SO DISGUSTING - like NO WONDER he's so far away, no one would want to be close to me. ACK...

I emailed T....and he suggested that I come in for a session earlier than this Thursday. So, it's today.

Well, a couple days passed where I was able to stuff away all those big feelings..and now I don't want to see T. I don't want to face him. I feel so embarrassed and HATE feeling vulnerable....I regret making the appt today....but if I don't go, it will cost me 3x the amount for the session.

Why does therapy have to be so hard???

[Gilead]

Don't be embarrassed. Go and see your T. You may be able to get somewhere you haven't been to before - all of these steps have to help. My thoughts are with you - don't give up.

Someday I'll practice what I preach - but right now......

[Marie123]

Therapy is hard for many reasons. Feeling vuleranable is one of them. Therapy is hard work, but the best work you will ever do.

"Stuffing your feelings" won't work forever; they will keep coming out, urging you to do something about them.

You might want to write down feelings as you have them during the week and share them when you see your t. It takes courage to be vuleranable......none of us wants to be. I am glad you made the appointment.........

((((((((MUE)))))))))

As I've exposed more and more of myself to T, I've learned that the next session can be so healing. I always expect T to have walls up, to find me disgusting, to look at me like I'm gross, to want me to say away...and then I go see him and he is the same open, caring, accepting T that he always is...and it helps the healing happen.

I'm glad you're going to see him today. Try to stay open to his acceptance and care.

Thinking of you

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Gilead

Don't be embarrassed. Go and see your T. You may be able to get somewhere you haven't been to before - all of these steps have to help. My thoughts are with you - don't give up.

Someday I'll practice what I preach - but right now......

Thanks, Gilead.....Feelings just are. So, I don't know how I can not feel embarrassed...but you're right, I'm going to go...and hopefully I will find the courage to take the next step forward. Up until now, this is as far as we've gotten with any trauma. At this stage, I tend to shut down and focus on current life events....I need to do something different this time.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Marie123

Therapy is hard for many reasons. Feeling vuleranable is one of them. Therapy is hard work, but the best work you will ever do.

"Stuffing your feelings" won't work forever; they will keep coming out, urging you to do something about them.

You might want to write down feelings as you have them during the week and share them when you see your t. It takes courage to be vuleranable......none of us wants to be. I am glad you made the appointment.........

Thanks, Marie....So true that stuffing my feelings won't work forever...I feel as though it's uncontrollable...but I know it has to be within my control. I hope T will help me get there....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((MUE)))))))))

As I've exposed more and more of myself to T, I've learned that the next session can be so healing. I always expect T to have walls up, to find me disgusting, to look at me like I'm gross, to want me to say away...and then I go see him and he is the same open, caring, accepting T that he always is...and it helps the healing happen.

I'm glad you're going to see him today. Try to stay open to his acceptance and care.

Thinking of you

Thanks, Tree....I wish I had the relationship that you have with your T. I know T will just sit there in his chair - like he always is - and wait for me to talk...UGH.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thanks, Tree....I wish I had the relationship that you have with your T. I know T will just sit there in his chair - like he always is - and wait for me to talk...UGH.

It's true that he will still be the same T....but at the same time, that's the point...he will still be the same T. His feelings for you and his behaviors towards you won't change. Because he still sees and accepts YOU. You are not the things that happened to you, and T knows that.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

It's true that he will still be the same T....but at the same time, that's the point...he will still be the same T. His feelings for you and his behaviors towards you won't change. Because he still sees and accepts YOU. You are not the things that happened to you, and T knows that.

Thank you, Tree....You're right. When T and I were emailing after my session, I told him that I needed to know how he felt towards me before I could face him again. He said that he didn't have any unusual feelings towards me other than concern. I guess that's valuable. Just having trouble seeing that at the moment.

[Sweetlove]

(((((MUE))))

Good luck today..I'm sorry it has to be so hard...I'll be thinking of you.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((( MUE ))))))))))))))))))))) me too!

[Sannah]

MUE, your reactions that you are describing to your disclosure are normal and happen to most everyone. Continuing to go to therapy and process these reactions is going to be so healing for you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone....

I'm back from my session, and it went better than I had expected. We focused more on taking steps towards addressing and expressing emotions as I feel them - and not putting them into my "reservoir" so that they become overwhelming when I do express them.

We are also planning to increase my sessions to 2x/week....plus 1x/group....for now.

Thanks everyone for your support....

[SpiritRunner]

((((((MUE)))))))) I have missed you and am glad to hear from you. Glad it went well today!