the roots of the rupture

I was thinking about this rupture with T (not that I've been thinking about much else lately...) and started wondering if I could figure out when it started, what I did or what happened, something.

So I looked back through the threads I've started here, and I can see clearly that as early as March 30 I was starting to feel like something was "off". Some of the things I posted about during April I honestly don't even remember, at all. Which is really freaking me out. but jeez, when I look at all of that, it's like...NO WONDER. No wonder a rupture happened.

Based pretty much just on my gut and a couple comments T made, I take it that someone in her life has been sick, and I wouldn't be surprised if that started in April or March. It seems like I was reacting to a feeling of T "pulling away" without really realizing I was feeling that, and then it started this sort of push/pull thing where she pulled away more and I clung on tighter.

It is so easy to see those patterns in hindsight, and so hard to see them as they emerge.

I see T tomorrow and I would like to talk about this with her, but I also really need to talk about other things going on in my life. I feel like if we don't start talking about something other than our relationship soon that will become the main focus of my therapy. And I don't want that. I need help with the stuff going on in my life and in my body and in my mind and in my heart.

Zoo, there can be personal things with Ts that impact the relationship they have with clients. I think that it may be healthy for you to bring forward these points and questions. She may not answer them or get into personal details, but she does need to hear that you observed these things and they impacted your therapy.

I had this happen with my T. When I look back at journal entries/e-mails it was about 8 weeks of just off sessions and then I found out she was pregnant. Turns out with this pregnancy she was having awful morning sickess, and I had morning sessions.

Maggy Jo

Hi zoo,

I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking of you and I hope your session goes well tomorrow. I can pocket ride if you want.

Good luck tomorrow, zoo. Take care of you and little zoo.

Good Luck tomorrow and very good insight! Maybe just briefly talk about the pattern you discovered and then move on to the other things you want to talk about so the whole session isn't spent discussing your relationship. Maybe you could actually save your insights for the end of the session so you can spend the majority of your session focusing on the things going on in your life...

(((( zoo ))))

I do hope that you are able to address the things that you need to during your session. Perhaps it would be worthwhile for you to start off with an agenda of some sort, letting T know that you want to touch on A & B, but need to also focus on C & D....so that she is aware of what you need to accomplish during the session.

((( HUGS )))

I am thinking of you too!
I think it is good that you are able to look back and see the roots of this rupture and what was there at the beginning, what may have been going on with T that affected her and her behavior toward you (and others, too). When you can see the pattern of the past, it helps you change the pattern going forward.....but it does take clear, open communication, communication with transparency and grace!

we set an agenda last time I saw her, that was the first thing we talked about. But then the entire thing just fell apart. So, yes, I do have an agenda and I'm going to try harder to stick to it.

I am so anxiou and emotional this morning. Sat in my kitchen crying into my coffee when I started thinking about T and how hopelessly tangled this whole things feels.

I'm going to go in there and be open and honest and gentle, and hope I get the same in return. I want to work things out with T, but I don't know if that's possible. I'm going to at least start exploring with her the idea of getting a referral.

Being physically ill and in pain isn't helping, and I'm going to start out by telling her that so that she will know I am particularly emotionally vulnerable today.

I have lots of big pockets, I would love to bring you all along with me.

I'm hopping in right now, zoo!

I'm sorry you're feeling so unwell....I do hope that your T is more compassionate today...and if she's not, then tell her that's what you need right now. No drill sergeant T today! I'll be in your pocket....((( HUGS )))

GOOD LUCK at session. please update us on how it went. whatever the case, whatever the solution, i hope it includes you being more at peace and getting the help or relief you need to move forward.

Hey,

it's weird because I have kind of realised today how in the moment things can seem one way but when you look back at the bigger picture you can realise you were perhaps wrong. I am relating this to some texting between T and I over the past few days. I have been angry and annoyed at T and not seeing how her contact was positive and kind.... i just seen what i wanted to in the moment and some of my reactions or the ways i wanted to react but thankfully didn't would have made the situation worse and it would have been my fault.

Anyway sorry thats enough about me. I want to really say that i think it's really healthy that you have been able to look back on the past 2-3 months of terrible struggle and be so objective about it. Through your posts I see you really processing everything in a way that is really amazing, encouraging, inspiring and again healthy! You should be so proud of yourself for this. I think it would also be good to share this with T tomorrow!

How do you feel about going to tomorrows session?

xxx

I'm getting ready to go into my session right now. I'm so nervous I think I might throw up. I'm not sure I can do this.

You can do it, zoo!!!! Your inner strength is there....waiting for you to access it. Dig deep and take the added boost from your pocket riders.....((( HUGS )))

thinking of you!

hope it went well!

Ok, I just got home and I need to curl up in bed for awhile, but first...thank you for being with me in spirit. It went well, very well. I told T everything I wanted to, we talked about when the rupture started and how. She apologized for how she has handled it and she talked about her defensiveness in our last session. She said that when I told her that she needs to balance pushing for change with accepting me where I am, not where she wants me to be or where she thinks I should be, she "about went through the roof" and in thinking about it later she realized she became so defensive because I was right. She said that was one of the most difficult pieces of feedback she has ever gotten, and she thanked me for giving it to her.

We talked a little bit about my physical problems and the tests I have to do this coming week. That was hard and I dissociated so we didn't get very far into talking about what skills I can use to get through it.

Instead, we talked about the fact that I'm going to see U2 in 8 days.

In the end we hugged, again, and I cried on her shoulder, again, and I told her "I'm okay" and she whispered in my ear "yes, you're ok, you're ok"

I am so glad you've stuck with working through this. Your T sounds like she's being very honest with herself and with you.

Sometimes when we get scared and hurt, we want to run instead of work through the pain. Hopefully, you see now the value of standing still and giving things a chance to work out. It takes great courage to do that.

Wow! Excellent work! She heard you! You must have felt really good when she heard you? (What she got defensive about).

Aw Zoo i'm so happy for you, you have done SO well and I think it's great that she is taking responsibility for her own wrong behaviour! I think you are teaching her a lot in this rupture, at times you sound more like the one with theraputic training than her lol!

I am delighted for you!

(((((((zoo))))))) Thanks for letting me ride along. I am glad you were able to stand up for yourself. I am also glad I am not the only one that has to curl up in bed for awhile after therapy.

Yes, this was a huge learning experience for me. I like that I can count on you to be a calm voice of reason, Chris. Sometimes it's not what I want to hear, but it always helps to have someone giving an impassive perspective.

yes, because I wasn't at all sure she did hear me at the time. It was validating to know that she heard and she listened. And even though it has been so painful and confusing, it has been good to see that even T, with all her years of experience and her own personal therapy, can react emotionally in the moment. It was good role modeling for me, too, to see how to come back and say "I was wrong. I'm sorry."

T said I am making her a better therapist. I laughed and said I would rather not be the one to do that, because it has been so hard, but I appreciate her honesty. She also said this experience, this rupture and its repair, has changed her life and how she interacts in her personal and professional life.

It has been so scary to be honest with T. Today especially, for whatever reason, I was terrified going in there. Trust is hard for most people, I suspect, and for me it is almost ridiculously so. Going in there week after week and being willing to be open and honest, especially after experiencing how much power T has to hurt me, was enormously difficult. I would not have had the strength or courage it took to just show up and keep showing up if it weren't for the support I get here.


I wish we had more time today so we could have done some practice coping ahead for the medical tests I have coming up next week. I tried to change my appointment times so I could go the week after next, but they don't want me to wait that long. I think I can make it so I go later in the week, though, after I see T on Wed. I hope so.

Zoo, soo soo glad your session went t went so well Kudos to both of you for trying so hard. It is great to hear the good things that come out of ruptures!

sorry to hear about your medical tests... hope everything works out for the best

sending safe hugs

((((zoo)))) you made an impact in the life of your T. Way cool!