I met a lady about 6 months ago at my church. We were just casual friends, but for the past 2 months we meet weeky for a support group. There are only 3 of us in this group.

As I was talking about therapy one time, she blurted out, "Are you seeing, ___________?" I told her I was, as I thought maybe she was seeing her, too. She doesn't, but told me that _________was her roommate in college. That was weird!

Now that this lady and I have become closer, we talked about facebook and friending each other. We are both already friends of the other lady in our group.

When I looked up my new friend, I noticed that she is friends with my therapist. I saw a few posts from my therapist on her wall. Nothing personal, just little things.

At first, I was okay with it, but the more I thought about, I was worried that I may be teetering on crossing a boundary. I don't want to do anything that will mess up my relationship with my friend, but my new group of friends want to use facebook to communicate with each other. Private messaging.

I am sure that my therapist will see my name pop up. I am concerned that she will de-friend this person if she sees that both of us are her facebook friends.

What would you do?

It's really hard to say, I know that different T's may all feel differently about bounderies, but I think something like this, Is not really teetering on a boundary. You not going to friend your T, but I understand the concern that you are worried that the T will un-friend this person. Can you hold off friending this person until you talk to your T and be upfront about it? Just maybe send this person an email or even get her thoughts on it. Just tell her, that you noticed your T is on her list and you want to talk to your T first? I don't think it would be fair for you not to be able to friend this woman and I don't think it would be fair for your T to unfriend because of this. I just think its best to let this woman know that you need to tell your T first, as to avoid any conflict.

[swimmergirl]

Hi Squiggle........

Oooohhhhhh the temptation. I would not do anything without first discussing it with your therapist. I would also be careful about what you and your new mutual friend discuss as far as your therapist. You don't want to learn anything "new" about your T that may affect your bond with her and thus affect your therapy. However, I would think when you are done with therapy........completely.........ask away.

[PreacherHeckler]

I recently had that opportunity too, but I did not do it. But that's partly because I have a history of being a dedicated boundary buster in therapy and I've just recently broken that pattern, so for me, having a mutual friend would be "too close" to that old pattern and I did not want to put myself in that kind of tempting situation. I knew my T wouldn't think it was good for me, either, so I chose not to. But that might not be the case for you and your T. Maybe talk to her about it first and see what she thinks before you decide.

[Elli-Beth]

My T and I know a few people in common, but I don't really discuss them because it feels like an awkward boundary issue I don't want to get into. I don't think my T would have a big problem with it, but I would. I just like strict boundaries, since most of my issues arose from lack of boundaries.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey,

this is an understandable awkward issue. I don't think you are crossing any boundary with T at all, because you are not just befriending someone that you know is her friend for the sake of it and by facebooking her friend you aren't actually adding her- but at the same time It might feel too weird for her. If I was you I would talk to your T first and see what she says, tell her your concerns etc and maybe say to her if she feels more comfortable you won't add this mutual contact.

xxx

[Dr.Muffin]

i think the best thing to do would be to explain all this to your therapist and ask what she thinks. its tough running into a boundary, so maybe you can avoid that by simply asking what the boundary is?

[Flooded]

My old t added me! But she was a stalker..

Originally Posted by Flooded

My old t added me! But she was a stalker..

I'm not trying to hijack Squiggles thread, but Flooded? Your old T stalked you? Sounds scary.

I can actually get into my new friends facebook without friending her. I just can't post on her wall. So, I can see her posts and who posted on her wall. Yes, I can see what my therapist posts.

I don't think I will do anything at this point. Not unless my new friend brings it up. Like I said, if I get 'curious, I can read her wall anyway and see anything that my therapist posted. It does feel strange and I do think I need to be VERY careful here.

The temptation is there for sure. Just to see how my therapist is 'outside' of a therapy session. If she knew I could read her posts, I do not think she would be very happy about that. She is very careful to keep a 'client/therpist' relationship. Not a 'friend' relationship.

[PreacherHeckler]

One time just before Christmas a couple of years ago, my T inadvertently left an opening for comments from everyone. Being impulsive, well... that was way too tempting. Couldn't let that opportunity pass me by. So, since it was close to Christmas, I thought he might like a remake of a favorite Christmas song, and I posted this:

Jolly old dear therapist, lean your ear this way.
Don't be hatin', it's not nice; I just want to play.
My next session's coming soon, now you dear old man.
Don't suspend me; I'll be good, with a new behavior plan.

He closed that loophole very quickly.

I wonder why we are so intrigued to know the personal life of our therapist? I have a great relationship (yes, I said the "R" word) with my therapist. It is fabulous just as it is. I don't need another 'friend'. I need a therapist!

Why would we do something that would jeopardize that? Why would we even get caught up in that?

Originally Posted by swimmergirl

I would also be careful about what you and your new mutual friend discuss as far as your therapist. You don't want to learn anything "new" about your T that may affect your bond with her and thus affect your therapy.

When I met with my friend last week, I told her that my therapist was so tiny. She said, "Yeah, she's been working out. She posted that on her facebook."

That was kinda awkward. I mentioned this is another thread, that my new friend was my therapist's room mate in college. Oh, the stories she could tell! But, I agree with what you said. I need to keep my inquiring mind in check!!

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

One time just before Christmas a couple of years ago, my T inadvertently left an opening for comments from everyone. Being impulsive, well... that was way too tempting. Couldn't let that opportunity pass me by. So, since it was close to Christmas, I thought he might like a remake of a favorite Christmas song, and I posted this:

Jolly old dear therapist, lean your ear this way.
Don't be hatin', it's not nice; I just want to play.
My next session's coming soon, now you dear old man.
Don't suspend me; I'll be good, with a new behavior plan.

He closed that loophole very quickly.

The jingle is pretty catchy, but I can see why your therapist 'closed that loophole". I would think he would see that as crossing a boundary.

[PreacherHeckler]

Actually it was probably more like stomping on a boundary...

[PTSDlovemycats]

I agree with what Dr. Muffin said.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Flooded -Do tell!! if not in this thread please start one. I really want to hear about it!

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

I agree with what Dr. Muffin said.

Ditto. Talk with your T about it, and find out if it's an issue or not.

[Dani]

I wonder if there's a way that you can just block your T on facebook, so that any of her posts on your friends wall won't show up for you? I sort of ran into the same situation because a woman I went to school with is friends with one of my old T's on facebook, and I clicked on my old T's profile and blocked her, and when I click on my friend's friend list, my old T's name doesn't show up anymore. So that might be something to consider.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I wonder why we are so intrigued to know the personal life of our therapist? I have a great relationship (yes, I said the "R" word) with my therapist. It is fabulous just as it is. I don't need another 'friend'. I need a therapist!

Why would we do something that would jeopardize that? Why would we even get caught up in that?

My T says it's a very human thing to want to do. When you feel connected to someone with whom you're sharing your entire life story, it's natural to want to find out more about them. Doesn't make the curiosity go away, though.

Also - even if you are successfully able to avoid seeing your T on FB, I would suggest that you stop talking about your T with your friend, and ask that she not bring up T's name either. She might blurt something out that you don't want to hear.

I discovered that I have friends on my FB who are friends with my clients. I figure I have no right to tell my clients who they can friend on their FB. I take care of myself (if I discover the friendship I block the client, block my profile overall, etc) and don't make that the responsibility of my client. I am thankful when my clients point out how they see me on FB, etc. The most difficult piece reading what your T posts on FB, is that again, we're human. I make STUPID comments at times, and if my client is purposely seeking out my comments, I am almost positive it will some how upset them. So I guess I'd say... That's the cost of seeking out T's on social networking. Our T "hat" is not on, and wonder how things on FB would be used "against" or "for" the T.

[Flooded]

Originally Posted by Dani

I wonder if there's a way that you can just block your T on facebook, so that any of her posts on your friends wall won't show up for you? I sort of ran into the same situation because a woman I went to school with is friends with one of my old T's on facebook, and I clicked on my old T's profile and blocked her, and when I click on my friend's friend list, my old T's name doesn't show up anymore. So that might be something to consider.

That's exactly what I did. Unfriend then block and I can't see anything they post, comment on etc.

And for those curious, I'll post my experience with my old t a bit later. It's not something I feel comfortable sharing somewhere where I feel the place hates me

[PTSDlovemycats]

Flooded you are referring to feeling hated here are you?? I sure hope not!

Originally Posted by stormyangels

The most difficult piece reading what your T posts on FB, is that again, we're human. I make STUPID comments at times, and if my client is purposely seeking out my comments, I am almost positive it will some how upset them. So I guess I'd say... That's the cost of seeking out T's on social networking. Our T "hat" is not on, and wonder how things on FB would be used "against" or "for" the T.

I have already found that I keep checking my friend's face book to see if there has been any interaction between her and my therapist. Like you said, if you are seeking out their comments, sooner or later you will find something that upsets you.

The risk is just not worth it to me. If I find that I cannot refrain from checking her facebook, I will figure out a way that I cannot see her page unless I friend her. My therapy relationship took a LONG time to build. I still have some rocky times, yet we are able to work through them. I am not going to allow myself to sabatoge this relationship. I cannot imagine having to start over with someone else.

I won't start over with someone else. For one, I cannot afford anyone else. And two, I don't think another therapist will give me 90 minute sessions for the same fee as a 50 minute one.

[ECHOES]

I have been thinking about this and I don't think I would friend them.
I suppose it's the same reason I didn't want my therapist to do any self-disclosure at all - I want the relationship to remain something that exists only in that room. I've softened my stance on the self-disclosure, but if I were to run into it on fb, it would be different and I would feel different about it. Right now self-disclosure feels like something she's offering to me in the intimacy of the relationship. To see it up on a public billboard would not feel so great to me.