my session today (6/3)

(see 'less is more' thread for backstory... )

Well... session ended better than it started.

I brought some Mandela pages and colored pencils to keep me calm and finished one page by the end of the hour. (my last full 60 minute session).(She described this later as ‘self-soothing technique’)

The first 5-10 minutes were very quiet. That’s never happened before. I couldn’t look at her. Part of me wanted to be stubborn and build a wall of silence, but I could feel her desire to help me and that stubbornness melted away. If I couldn’t meet her halfway, maybe at least a quarter of the way…

Finally I took a page out of Squiggle’s book and wrote on the back of one of the Mandela pages what I couldn't seem to say/we needed to discuss and that opened the door to discussion and a general better feeling in the room.

I learned more about her as a therapist and boundaries and such and found it helps to have that understanding of this amazing person that I am working with. Eventually we got to the topic I originally wanted to talk about, which was dissociation. All is all, not a bad ending to the session.

I just don't know why it's so hard for me to look at her and to be able to say the words that are so loud in my head - words that scream to be said.

This whole time, underneath all the hurt, I knew it had to be me the get to that point of acceptance of this change and even though she asked how she could help me to process it, I don't think it's something, in the end, that she can help me with. It has to come from within me. I'm not there... yet - hopefully time with help with that.

Good work, ((((((rainbowrose)))))

I honestly don't think I could have made it to now in my therapy without being able to write the words that are too hard to say. T and I have done entire sessions in writing...and other times, I've just written the hardest word in a sentence. It's such a relief to be able to get the words out somehow, and to share them when we can't speak them.

You did such a good job of not shutting down and letting T help you. I know how hard that can be.
to you!

you did great work today and made progress! you found a way to soothe yourself, a way to get the words out, and most of all, you did some very important work with your therapeutic relationship. I am glad you learned more about T and her boundaries, too. It's always good to have knowledge like that, sometimes it brings a greater sense of security and trust, which then helps you make greater progress in what and how you share!

I'm glad your session was a good one! It sounds like you worked hard and cleared up some of your anger about the time change and increased cost of your sessions.

Hey Rainbow_Rose,

I think you did really well and I am glad you had something with you to help comfort you and which also worked out great as a way to communicate when you feel unable to use your words. I too sit in sessions sometimes with the voice in my head screaming " just say something!!!" and yet I feel like I am paraylised and can't speak.

Hopefully the 10 minutes won't feel too hard or too much different in your next session, I know its tough though

What is Squiggle's book?

I am glad it went well.

I'm glad that it ended well I wonder if the difficulty at the beginning of the session might have been related to your hurt/anger feelings about the shortening of sessions....

Sometimes when I am trying to suppress something, I find it hard to just put it aside and go on to something else.

It is frustrating when we know we want to connect, we know how good that feels, but we just can't get started. When the whole session is like that...ugh! So, I'm glad it worked out to be a session with a good ending

Ways to communicate when speaking is hard. I wouldn't have thought to write my question down otherwise and just sat there like a bump on a log. Hope you don't mind...

Of course I don't mind. It is actually kinda funny in a way. Didn't know I had a 'book' out there!

So many times I think I am just logging an 'open diary' when I post on PC. Mindless chatter. Talking to myself, yet putting it out there for others to read. But, it helps me and no one has kicked me off of here, so it must not be too much.

((((((RainbowRose)))) I'm glad in the end that you were able to find at least some resolve. Finding a self-soothing technique and realizing that T can't hold onto everything is a step in a positive direction. Recently, my T got more firm about ending sessions right on time and even though it's not the same as 10 minutes being cut with an increase of out of pocket costs, its totally okay to take time and let yourself feel what you need to feel in order to become more at peace with the change. No matter how big or small it is. (((((((hugs))))))

(((((((RRose))))))))

I am glad your session went well. It sounds like you remembered/felt how much she does care about you. Internalizing that feeling that she has for you about yourself may help you to better accept the time changes.......but your right......it does take time. Good job on everything.

Thanks everyone for all your kind words for support and encouragement.

Often I come out of session dying to share what happened and how I am processing it. It's hard to keep all that inside. Journalling helps, but responses from actual people who understand helps more.

Thank you!