[Suratji]

There is an impending death. I am so eager for it. And there will be joy and relief when the death finally occurs. And, me and T are planning a funeral.

There is a period in my life that was full of pain. During that time I wrote a lot in a journal. Every page speaks of my misery. Every sentence tells a tale of woe. Every word drips of agony.

I saved the journal but it had been placed in a padlocked backpack stuff in the recesses of my closet. No one has read it.

Why did I save it? I don't know. Probably some kind of instinct that told me that that place/time of torment and hurt would need to be revisited.

After much resistance and skepticism on my part, I am now reading my journal to T. My resistance was the thinking, "The past is the past. Let it go". But obviously, I have not yet been able to release it.

And so,now, I am journeying backwards in time. Very tough to do, very painful but T says it's necessary so those events won't have power over me anymore.

I asked T if we could conduct a funeral in her office when we both agree that I no longer need the journal and other writings. The journals would be destroyed. She thought it was a great idea. With no ability to consume the corpse to flames, instead maybe I'll just bring a paper shredder and each of us will take turns feeding these remnants of the past to a place no longer accessible by me.

What I envision is that we would create a meaningful ceremony. That T and I both offer a eulogy is a given. And although I usually am not fond of rituals, I want to make the funeral a highly ritualized event.

I don't know if it will be weeks, months or years (heaven forbid!) before the last gasp of life leaves these journals, but when it finally does, I will be ecstatic.

Any ideas on how what else I might do to make the funeral even more meaningful?

[lastyearisblank]

Suratji, we're friends, right? Could you change the title of this post.... I can't bear to see it. I'm sorry.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Suratji, we're friends, right? Could you change the title of this post.... I can't bear to see it. I'm sorry.

Sure, but I don't know how. Can you tell me? Sorry.

[rainbow8]

Maybe add a trigger? But it's misleading that it's triggering. Ask a moderator?

If you saw an EMDR T, they would use that technique to banish those feelings about that time forever. What you're going to do sounds like it's going to do the trick, though. Good luck with it! It sounds like you DO need to revisit the past, first, and that IS a reason for your therapy. It will be painful, but I think it will be productive for you.

[lastyearisblank]

Sorry I don't mean to hurt anyone. I just won't look at it you can keep it how it is.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Sorry I don't mean to hurt anyone. I just won't look at it you can keep it how it is.

No, it's o.k. The last thing i want to do is hurt anyone. I've PM a moderator asking how to change it.

Btw, my thread refers to burying some old emotions of mine, not a human death.

[Elli-Beth]

I think it's a great idea! Maybe include a positive ending celebrating the rebirth of a new and healthy part of your life!

[anilam]

Love it.
Don't know how to make it better.
I would prefer to burn it though- couldn't you go outside and make a big fire?
Also bring champagne. Really good one.

[SpiritRunner]

yes! do that! and then, have a celebration.....champagne and chocolate to commemorate the beginning of new life free from the old pain!

[lynn P.]

I agree with lastyearisblank - the title and first line gives the impression you want to die when is reality you're getting rid of bad journals. This title would better reflect what your post is really about - "A Rebirth - New Beginnings"

[Suratji]

I want to change the title but I still don't know how. The moderator hasn't replied yet. I am so so sorry.

[BethD1980]

I like the idea of burning it and then having a celebration with champagne and chocolate like somone suggested, that sounds wonderful!
Beth

[with or without you]

I like the title, but I have a gallows sense of humor.

[WePow]

My suggestion is to have a party afterwards! Seriously! Some cultures celebrate the cycle of life this way. Good food, music, dancing!

The cycle of life is not just about the passing of the old.
Every winter is followed by a spring. THIS is the true joy found in the cycle of life!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by WePow

My suggestion is to have a party afterwards! Seriously! Some cultures celebrate the cycle of life this way. Good food, music, dancing!

The cycle of life is not just about the passing of the old.
Every winter is followed by a spring. THIS is the true joy found in the cycle of life!

Just me and T? Now that would be weird. And, of course, nobody else knows about my journal or my story. Maybe we could have a virtual party on PC if the occasion ever arrives.

[WePow]

Sure! Just you and T ! Even just you if you wanted. But it is nice to have T to share in those special events. My T has done some things like this with me. It is healthy to display proper grief over what was lost. And it is healthy to celebrate the NEW that change always brings with it. So YES!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by WePow

Sure! Just you and T ! Even just you if you wanted. But it is nice to have T to share in those special events. My T has done some things like this with me. It is healthy to display proper grief over what was lost. And it is healthy to celebrate the NEW that change always brings with it. So YES!

I can hardly wait to have this party. I hope it will happen this year. Maybe T could invite some of the other T's in her office to be present. Not that they would do it - just another fantasy.

[Suratji]

btw, the title has been changed so all comments referring to title are not relevant to current title

An update: I asked T yesterday how I can know if I'm 'done' with an emotional issue or have I,in actuality, repressed it. She asked me to give her an example.

So, I brought up the journal - its contents we have not discussed in a few weeks. I asked her, 'Am I ready to have that funeral yet?" And she very clearly and emphatically said , "No."

So, I just wanted to share how wonderful it is that there is someone, my T, who knows me well enough, who knows and understands my history, who listens to me weekly, who wants what's best for me, can guide me so gently yet firmly.

It feels so safe having someone like that in my life. Another time when I was on the verge of a painful disclosure and she could see how emotional I was becoming, she told me to stop for now. I asked her why and she said that I wasn't ready to disclose and she said, "Trust me on this." And she was right.

I am so grateful I have a T whom I trust implicitly and because of that trust I will do my best to listen to her, implement techniques she suggests that could help me, and try to learn the lessons she hopes to impart to me.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by Suratji

btw, the title has been changed so all comments referring to title are not relevant to current title

An update: I asked T yesterday how I can know if I'm 'done' with an emotional issue or have I,in actuality, repressed it. She asked me to give her an example.

So, I brought up the journal - its contents we have not discussed in a few weeks. I asked her, 'Am I ready to have that funeral yet?" And she very clearly and emphatically said , "No."

So, I just wanted to share how wonderful it is that there is someone, my T, who knows me well enough, who knows and understands my history, who listens to me weekly, who wants what's best for me, can guide me so gently yet firmly.

It feels so safe having someone like that in my life. Another time when I was on the verge of a painful disclosure and she could see how emotional I was becoming, she told me to stop for now. I asked her why and she said that I wasn't ready to disclose and she said, "Trust me on this." And she was right.

I am so grateful I have a T whom I trust implicitly and because of that trust I will do my best to listen to her, implement techniques she suggests that could help me, and try to learn the lessons she hopes to impart to me.

That's wonderful Suratji