sorry

(((((((((WePow))))))))))

Good luck with T today.

I remember a big turning point in my therapy that happened last summer. T did something RIGHT before he went on vacation that REALLY upset me. We were able to talk on the phone before he left, so it was a little bit fixed, but still kind of "undone".

While he was gone, I realized that in a long, intimate relationship like ours, that there just ARE going to be times our feelings are hurt. There just are. And I realized that there was this continuity in our relationship...this genuine love and caring that is ALWAYS there as a foundation. So...we might have moments where we're super connected, moments when we laugh together, moments that are sad, moments of distance, moments when we're angry...but underneath ALL of those moments is the same, consistent, caring love.

Realizing that was really huge. That it could ALL be true - the consistency of the foundation of our relationship AND all of the good and bad moments that happen in our relationship.

I hope you can hang onto a little bit of the consistancy today. I"ll be thinking about you.

Saw him today. He was 30 min late - working intently with the guy before me. Said he was sorry. He had to get up and get coffee halfway through but that was fine. He said it wasn't about me. I know it isn't. It was hard to talk and I told him it felt llike I was way inside a cave and he was way outside and I missed him. He said I was protecting myself because of getting ready to go to Florida where my dad is and my ex-H across the street. He did tell me I could call him if I needed to.

He said something at the start though about "Didn't I just see you?" I was like "Yeah, Thursdsay." He said "Why did we do that" and I said "Because it was the first time you had and you were out Monday." That just added to me feeling so far away.

And I think I dropped my check to him in the store yesterday - I always have one made out in advance. Thankfully I caught it in the restroom before session so I could dig out my money - always keep the cash on me in case I need an extra session.
But had to come home and put a stop payment on the other and the store has no one turning it in - so I need to close my account and open a different one - ugggg - too much paperwork and I am going to Florida!

Bottom line is I feel that knowing my T is very bad luck for me. Sounds silly, but that is how I see him right now.

Oh and he did say "So what is new? I don't see any new emails from you." I thought "Well, you could ask me why since I emailed you about 3x a day for the past two years!" But no... he didn't even go there. Not interested I suppose.

Well, I just sent T an email - breaking my promise to myself! But I had asked him 2 weeks ago if he knew a T in Florida I could suggest for my brother. Of course he never said a word about that. But I told him just now I did want that info (I really do). And I admitted that I deleted every single email between us and felt very alone and missed him. uggg - why did I have to add that point into it!

WePow: I'm sorry you had a crummy session. It seems that you and your T are completely missing each other, not connecting. You're on different wave lengths right now. I don't think he knows what's going on with you, and you're too hurt to tell him. It seems like you're punishing him, or trying to get revenge, but you're really only hurting yourself. Maybe after your trip you'll want to work this out with him.

Just saw your post. I'm glad you told him about deleting the emails.

((((((((WePow)))))))))

I don't know if you remember, but before my break from T we had a series of "misses". It felt AWFUL, like we were disconnected and would never find our way back to each other. I couldn't tell if it was him pulling away, or me pulling away, or neither of us, or both of us, or what. But he made something like 3 mistakes in a row, all within about a week, and I just felt the connection unraveling. It felt scary and bad and sad. I wanted to protect myself.

The session before my break, I was SO OPEN about what was going on. And I told him that I wasn't taking a break to punish him or me (I wasn't), but that I just wanted to live life for a while and the disconnections just kind of pushed me in that direction. And we had such an open, CONNECTING kind of session. Like, really deeply connected. I know it was because I walked in there and just was totally honest. Not angry, or blaming, but really really honest about how I felt.

And now I'm back in therapy, and the connection is there, and it feels really safe.

I guess I am telling you this story (that you already know!) to try to give you a little bit of light in the darkness. It really is possible to move from disconnection back to connection...to an even deeper connection than before. And it really is possible to go from feeling like "wow, I don't know if I even WANT to connect with this guy" to the return of safety and closeness and acceptance.

It is this way right now, but that doesn't mean it will always be like this.

You have so much inner wisdom. It's hard to tap into that when we're scared and hurt, but I know you will pay attention and do what's right for YOU.

Sending love and hugs to you

Aww, WePow.....You're hurting, and that's ok. I wish your T knew how you were feeling right now. You deserve for him to know, and not to bury those feelings. I hope you can find a way to reconnect with T before you go to Florida. And even if you don't, know that we are here....((( HUGS )))

(((((((((WePow)))))))))) I am glad you did tell him about the emails.....

((((WePow))))

Sorry you are hurting so much and that your session didn't go as well as you hoped. I hate it when T doesn't "get" me- it feels so cold and sad and lonely. It does sound as though he is completely missing you right now. I am glad you told him about deleting his emails- I hope he hears how hurt you are. I hope he gets back to you before you go to Florida

Thanks tons you guys. I wrote my T this AM that I needed a reply - for him to tell me he wasn't mad at me - and that he was still here for me. He replied back and that helped put my heart at ease. I really needed him because PC was off-line and I was having a rough morning. And there he was :-)

Very glad he wrote back. Best wishes for the trip!

I'm sorry you are in a bad place again. I believe he plays his part in this, but do you think that to some extent, you are setting yourself up for all this disappointment and negativity? Him observing that there were no emails from you was a prompt for you to take up the subject if you wanted to. This is what he can do as a therapist. He can't directly probe you about why not, but you (or your anger and depression?) decided to interpret that as lack of interest. WePow, can you look into yourself and find out what is really going on, and how much your therapist actually adds to the stress caused by other life issues, anticipation of meeting your family, other concerns and travel anxiety you are having right now? There are some difficult issues you have to deal with rigth now. Perhaps deflecting all the negative feelings from your therapist and taking up all the stressful life issues with him instead would be a good way forward.

Thank you, Oceanwave. I know you are making sense. I feel like I am just afraid of going back "there" (home) since it was such a bad place for me. If not for my neices, I would never - EVER - go back there again. I will be glad when it is over.

WePow, you are being triggered by this. This would be really important to discuss with your T - what happened and how you are reacting to it.

Then you went to your session and got triggered 3 more times (he was late for the appt., he went out to get coffee, and then he couldn't remember what happened with the scheduling of your appts). You felt very unimportant to him and this triggered up feeling unimportant other times in your life.

"You thought"! You needed to speak!

Hope you are ok!

Today at work was insane and I asked T if he could see me. He did try to see me but he wrote back and said he wasn't feeling well but wanted me to call him. So I did after work.

It was odd when I called because he was talking with a man who was telling him he would see him later and then I heard T talking and being cheerful with that guy. I thought "You sound like you feel just fine!" lol at myself. But I know he could have had a client he had to see before he went home. So I was not upset with him any. I thought that was progress. And T acted like he cared and told me he wanted to see me tommorow. So I will do that.