[granite1]

I'm so frightened about how things are going.it seems so real to me that my life is just falling apart.god i cant even tell what is real and what isn't.i really feel like i am loosing my mind and i don't know what to do.i cant talk to my T at all it isn't like she will help anyway.i just cant .i so wish i could.i really didn't see how things were getting so bad.I'm at work in the HR office and i hear her outside talking to someone who came upstairs .she was saying that they need to leave and she has to get me to talk she was so nice i didn't think it was a trick to get me to talk but i guess it was.problem is as usual i cant . this is the same person who brought me to the hospital when i had that major panic attack at work about a year ago.things are really really bad at work.and home now.i am so overwhelmed i cant cope at all.total self destruct has taken over.i have been kind of demoted at work because of my behavior. what have i got left.work is bed ,home is bad ,my son is in Okinawa.i cant talk to anyone at all anymore i just go from day to day just avoiding anyone and praying i can just get through the day without having to have any major interactions with anyone.i want people to leave me alone it is only making things worse.the only people i can dump all this on is you guys and that isn't enough any more.things are to out of control and i am just scared.it has been two weeks sense T and i know i wont be able to say anything.i don't want to it will make things worse.I'm so scared.i swear i thought this guy at work wanted to hurt me.i don't know if it was real or not but it sure felt it ,but I'm sure everyone would just say it is in my head.i don't know but things arn't good and i feel so all alone and i am tired just so so tired.i don't know what else to say it doesn't seem to make a difference anymore anyway. i wish i could tell someone how bad i feel.how i wish i could just disapear.but i cant even open my mouth nothing will come out and i dont want to loose what little of me i have left.i kind of feal if i open my mouth that will seal the deal.

[googley]

(((((((((((Granite)))))))))))
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Remember to breathe.

[Elli-Beth]

Granite,
I'm not sure what to say that will help but I want you to know that I understand. Things got absolutely horrible for me at work and your description is something I can totally relate to. What saved me was my T helping me deal with it all.

[WikidPissah]

(((granite)))

It must be very painful for you right now. I know what it's like to loose the sense of what is real and it suxs. I don't get why your T was at your work...and why she would say such a thing to a coworker. Are you positive that's what you heard, or is it a little blurry?

It sounds like you might need a med evaluation/adjustment, can you tell your Pdoc what is going on? Or write it down for him/her?

I hate to see you in so much pain. I don't know what to say about your T...only that you shouldn't cancel your next appointment and tell her that you overheard her.

[granite1]

omg im sorry when i was saying her i meant the human recorce person not my T ill correct that now.she was talking to the guy who i thouight was going to hurt me.he came up into the room to ask what he did and all.but i didnt say anything at all to the HR person but im sure that made her question what was going on...it is all just crazy for me right now and i cant deal.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by granite1

I'm so frightened about how things are going.it seems so real to me that my life is just falling apart.god i cant even tell what is real and what isn't.i really feel like i am loosing my mind and i don't know what to do.i cant talk to my T at all it isn't like she will help anyway.i just cant .i so wish i could.i really didn't see how things were getting so bad.I'm at work in the HR office and i hear her outside talking to someone who came upstairs .she was saying that they need to leave and she has to get me to talk she was so nice i didn't think it was a trick to get me to talk but i guess it was.problem is as usual i cant . this is the same person who brought me to the hospital when i had that major panic attack at work about a year ago.things are really really bad at work.and home now.i am so overwhelmed i cant cope at all.total self destruct has taken over.i have been kind of demoted at work because of my behavior. what have i got left.work is bed ,home is bad ,my son is in Okinawa.i cant talk to anyone at all anymore i just go from day to day just avoiding anyone and praying i can just get through the day without having to have any major interactions with anyone.i want people to leave me alone it is only making things worse.the only people i can dump all this on is you guys and that isn't enough any more.things are to out of control and i am just scared.it has been two weeks sense T and i know i wont be able to say anything.i don't want to it will make things worse.I'm so scared.i swear i thought this guy at work wanted to hurt me.i don't know if it was real or not but it sure felt it ,but I'm sure everyone would just say it is in my head.i don't know but things arn't good and i feel so all alone and i am tired just so so tired.i don't know what else to say it doesn't seem to make a difference anymore anyway. i wish i could tell someone how bad i feel.how i wish i could just disapear.but i cant even open my mouth nothing will come out and i dont want to loose what little of me i have left.i kind of feal if i open my mouth that will seal the deal.

i guess i cant fix it.it wasnt my T at work when i said she i meant the HR lady not T.im sure my T was out drinking margaritas someplace fun having a great life.(Im not bitter at all)sorry about the mix up guys

((((((((((granite)))))))).

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((((((granite)))))))))))) I am sorry it's so hard. I hope you will be able to talk to T about how hard it is when you see her....
Just keep breathing, deep breaths, try to settle yourself, you can do it! I am thinking of you tons!

[ECHOES]

(((granite))) I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you are feeling very scared and confused.

I hope someday you can allow yourself the option to feel that you 'can' talk to T. The more you tell yourself you 'can't', the more ingrained that becomes. You are scaring yourself. Not meaning to, of course, but that's what happens in the end.

It creates a kind of stalemate: T says granite, you can tell me anything/granite says I can tell T nothing.

This incident at work is a perfect event to tell T about. It's something real that happened and your fear is real. You can tell T about it and also tell T what you say in your post, that you feel like you can't tell real from not real sometimes.

What we say in therapy doesn't have to be huge, just a place to start that session. Our T needs to know us but it doesn't have to happen all at once. A little bit at a time is just fine.

[rainbow_rose]

I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

(((((((((Granite))))))))) i wish i could just fix everything magically, but i cannot. i am thinking about you and sending you tons and tons of safe hugs though

maybe do some crafting to get your mind elsewhere, just for a while???

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Granite,

I am so sorry things seem so bleek at the moment.

I would like to ask you if talking to your therapist could be so bad? Not talking clearly isn't working for you at the moment and things are getting worse, maybe it's time to try talking, it's worth a shot is it not??

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

(((granite))) I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you are feeling very scared and confused.

I hope someday you can allow yourself the option to feel that you 'can' talk to T. The more you tell yourself you 'can't', the more ingrained that becomes. You are scaring yourself. Not meaning to, of course, but that's what happens in the end.

It creates a kind of stalemate: T says granite, you can tell me anything/granite says I can tell T nothing.

This incident at work is a perfect event to tell T about. It's something real that happened and your fear is real. You can tell T about it and also tell T what you say in your post, that you feel like you can't tell real from not real sometimes.

What we say in therapy doesn't have to be huge, just a place to start that session. Our T needs to know us but it doesn't have to happen all at once. A little bit at a time is just fine.

what you say makes so much sence.i think i agree with you that i am scaring myself about T.the only thing she has ever done bad was to put a stop to letters and e-mail.and she said that was kind of better for me.
thank you for saying my fear is real.that i know it is just the reason is no o clear.i am sure this guy did what he did.im not sure of his intent but he really scared me i ran to the HR office but couldnt really say what went on i just wanted to leave

[granite1]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Hey Granite,

I am so sorry things seem so bleek at the moment.

I would like to ask you if talking to your therapist could be so bad? Not talking clearly isn't working for you at the moment and things are getting worse, maybe it's time to try talking, it's worth a shot is it not??

i agree is is time and i am trying i promice when i ee her i will do my beast.i need to let her know things are getting worse.i wish i knew why

[granite1]

Originally Posted by jbmomg

(((((((((Granite))))))))) i wish i could just fix everything magically, but i cannot. i am thinking about you and sending you tons and tons of safe hugs though

maybe do some crafting to get your mind elsewhere, just for a while???

that is a great idea.problem is i am hiding in my craft room so i dont have to interact with my husband.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( granite ))))))

[rainbow8]

granite: Lots of hugs for you!!! I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about everything. I hope and pray that you'll be able to let your T in, just a little, so you will someone to share your pain with, who can help you. I don't mean that all of us can't help, but your T is trained and is someone who knows you and can be there for you in person.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Hi granite,

I'm glad that you came back to us. thank you!!

wow I am sorry it's going so hard. (((((((((((((((( granite )))))))))))))))

I agree with Echoes >>>This incident at work is a perfect event to tell T about. It's something real that happened and your fear is real. You can tell T about it and also tell T what you say in your post, that you feel like you can't tell real from not real sometimes.

Can you ask yr T for some coping strategies for anxiety? even one? I am so much wishing you peace.

[granite1]

my BF is comming to get me in a few to take me to the beach and get away untill T so i dont just sit around.the bothof us love the sound of the water.we find it very relaxing to maybe this will help for today.saturday the HR person at work cut my hours because she saw i was working 6 days a week and way to many hours.i went to work today and my boss was angry and said she cant do that without asking him and put all my houre back so i nolonger have tomorrow off just today.i know she can do that she has the las word about what i can work or not.she is seperate from the store and works for the corporation.but i couldnt argue with my boss.i bet she will have a fit to see me tuesday and will send me home and that will make my boss even more angry at me.but today i am going to the beach

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

granite: Lots of hugs for you!!! I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about everything. I hope and pray that you'll be able to let your T in, just a little, so you will someone to share your pain with, who can help you. I don't mean that all of us can't help, but your T is trained and is someone who knows you and can be there for you in person.

i am so going to try to talk to her rain .it is so hard i do scare myself like echoes says.i just hope she doesnt want to put me on meds or hosp because things are getting so out of hand.she knows the were but i dont think she knows how much worse it is.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Hi granite,

I'm glad that you came back to us. thank you!!

wow I am sorry it's going so hard. (((((((((((((((( granite )))))))))))))))

I agree with Echoes >>>This incident at work is a perfect event to tell T about. It's something real that happened and your fear is real. You can tell T about it and also tell T what you say in your post, that you feel like you can't tell real from not real sometimes.

Can you ask yr T for some coping strategies for anxiety? even one? I am so much wishing you peace.

the funny thing is i know kind of when things arent as they seem.god knows iv'e had to deal with this before the problem is i was tought to check it out when in doubt but i am not believing what i am seeing and hearing it is kind of strange.my head is saying one thing and my feelings and sences are saying something totally differnt and stronger.i cant seem to chalenge what i am seeing and feeling enought and i dont know why.i know this may not make sence and maybe T can tell me to do something else.if i can bring it up

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by granite1

the funny thing is i know kind of when things arent as they seem.god knows iv'e had to deal with this before the problem is i was tought to check it out when in doubt but i am not believing what i am seeing and hearing it is kind of strange.my head is saying one thing and my feelings and sences are saying something totally differnt and stronger.i cant seem to chalenge what i am seeing and feeling enought and i dont know why.i know this may not make sence and maybe T can tell me to do something else.if i can bring it up

It makes sense! I think T can help you with this, and I think you definitely need to tell her so she can help you!

[granite1]

the only words spoken during the session were from the T at the beginning of the session and they were I"M NOT GOING TO BE HERE NEXT WEEK.i just don't care.whatever i do, i do. whatever happens, happens i just don't have the energy to care anymore.i jut wish i weren't here any more.i dont have any idea how to deal

[ECHOES]

So you punished her (and protected you) by holding back?

It is unnerving to hear that, but I understand they tell us as far in advance as they can. Also they tell us at the beginning of the session so we can talk about it in that session. It makes many of us angry and sad and hurt and anxious when T goes away.

You can hold on to what you were going to tell her and tell her when she gets back. There is no time limit (or speed limit! )

for your hurt feelings and angry feelings

[rainbow8]

granite, I'm not giving up on you, so I don't want YOU to. Your T isn't giving up either. I'm sorry you couldn't talk today but maybe next session you will.