[Lauru]

There I said it "out loud". T and I talked about this today. My sis is a mom and she is allowing her kids to be treated poorly and it is really triggering me. I just feel..... fat, stupid, ugly, and worthless. T says I am not that according to other people but that she understands that I feel that way. She asked me if I could possibly look at it another way. I said no. It would be a lie. She said she is here for me and when I am ready to, will explore other ways of seeing myself with me.

I told her how anxious I was and how sick I felt in the pit of my stomach. I felt... fear and disgust. She said those are old feelings from the past. And it is true they are. But bad to the bone, rotten to the core, it doesn't just change with time or hard work. I am all those awful things and that is the truth, my truth. I wish, I wish I had had her and her husband as parents. At least the abuse would not have been there. Someone would have told me they loved me as I was, no matter what. But in my family love was always conditional and sometimes dangerous. I was never warm, safe, or loved. My T is trying to do that for me now, as best she can. I need her and I am scared. What if she finds out that I really am rotten and the "good stuff" about me is all a facade?

So, T was long and productive, but this is going to take a long time to change, if it even can. I don't really think it can. Anyway, I am not sure why I shared this. I am not looking for words of support or for people to tell me I am wonderful. I just, wanted to share a powerful session with people who could understand. I wanted to share a rare blessing, someone is showing me, ME, an unconditional, positive regard. Someone who knows my deep dark secrets and my past. Someone who has seen me at my worst. For now, that is what I will try to hold on to.

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Lauru,

(huge hugs). I am sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment about yourself and about how you were treated growing up. I am glad you have found a therapist who is there for you and who can offer that support and unconditional positive regard that you missed in childhood, I honestly know how that feels.
It was never a reflection on you, of how your parents didn't treat you in a way that made you feel all those good things a child should feel, especially safe and loved unconditionally, it was a reflection on your parents and their inability to give a beautiful child everything she needed and deserved. I too can relate to wishing i had different parents a lot of the time, it feels very sad to know that.
Abuse to a child is never, ever their fault because the power differential is never equal. In abuse their is the abuser and the victim or survivor. The abuser is always the one at fault, they are the adult who know what they are doing is wrong but are failing to protect the child. No child deserves to be hurt. I know it's hard to accept this when it happens to you because as humans we always ask ourselves what we did wrong and how we could have stopped it etc but the real truth is, the child is never at fault and they do what they need to to survive. (((((huge hugs))))))

You are not all those things you think you are hun, I hope someday you can believe that and see how worthy, beautiful and bright you really are!

diz xxxx