[Suratji]

I've been trying to find the words to express my feelings about the therapy process. Today I came up with this and I brought it to my T and read it to her. I wanted her to know my conflicted feelings about therapy.

The Excavation

I began an excavation. It is the most curious thing because I’m not exactly sure for what I’m excavating. There is only a blind stirring that propels me to continue digging and there is a naked intention that has taken hold of me.
The search takes place in the dark. The tools used are unseen and unknown. Handling them is awkward and frustrating. There is only clumsy movement with no sense of direction nor any easily understood goal.
People watch me and laugh. Those people are the voices I hear within myself that continually tell me I’m on a fool’s errand. I feel like Don Quixote but at least he had plenty of faith, courage and belief. My faith, courage and belief continue to waver.
The work is grueling and dirty and sweaty and the dust and commotion created is immense. There is such a pull to give up the exertion and return to the surface where all is clean and relatively calm.
I’m told – ‘Give up your silly pursuit. What do you hope to gain? There is nothing to be found. You have been enchanted by a romantic idea that has no foundation in reality. Just accept your lot like we have and save yourself all that trouble.”
So, how can I maintain the will to continue? How can I hang on to that willowy, barely discernible sense that, yes, there is something valuable to find deep within? How can I notice any hints that come my way that confirm that my efforts are not a tremendous waste? How can I acquire the lasting faith that every part of this endeavor is worthwhile? How can I strengthen my shallow and weak belief that I’m heading in the right direction – that this dirty and difficult work will reveal a hidden treasure – a treasure, a healing, that is mine alone?
I don’t know the answers to those questions but, for now, I will continue to try to unearth that which I suspect may lay deep beneath the superficial. And I guess I don’t have that much to lose even if this is, in the end, a search for nothing.

[rainbow_rose]

Suratji - thanks so much for sharing this.

[granite1]

very well written suratji. thanks for sharing with us.

[lastyearisblank]

Did you write this yourself it's great?

Originally Posted by Suratji

I've been trying to find the words to express my feelings about the therapy process. Today I came up with this and I brought it to my T and read it to her. I wanted her to know my conflicted feelings about therapy.

The Excavation

I began an excavation. It is the most curious thing because I’m not exactly sure for what I’m excavating. There is only a blind stirring that propels me to continue digging and there is a naked intention that has taken hold of me.
The search takes place in the dark. The tools used are unseen and unknown. Handling them is awkward and frustrating. There is only clumsy movement with no sense of direction nor any easily understood goal.
People watch me and laugh. Those people are the voices I hear within myself that continually tell me I’m on a fool’s errand. I feel like Don Quixote but at least he had plenty of faith, courage and belief. My faith, courage and belief continue to waver.
The work is grueling and dirty and sweaty and the dust and commotion created is immense. There is such a pull to give up the exertion and return to the surface where all is clean and relatively calm.
I’m told – ‘Give up your silly pursuit. What do you hope to gain? There is nothing to be found. You have been enchanted by a romantic idea that has no foundation in reality. Just accept your lot like we have and save yourself all that trouble.”
So, how can I maintain the will to continue? How can I hang on to that willowy, barely discernible sense that, yes, there is something valuable to find deep within? How can I notice any hints that come my way that confirm that my efforts are not a tremendous waste? How can I acquire the lasting faith that every part of this endeavor is worthwhile? How can I strengthen my shallow and weak belief that I’m heading in the right direction – that this dirty and difficult work will reveal a hidden treasure – a treasure, a healing, that is mine alone?
I don’t know the answers to those questions but, for now, I will continue to try to unearth that which I suspect may lay deep beneath the superficial. And I guess I don’t have that much to lose even if this is, in the end, a search for nothing.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Did you write this yourself it's great?

Yeah, I was trying to put into words (again) my feelings about therapy. I have such a push and pull. My T is very aware of my struggles and I constantly pepper her with questions and concerns like,
"Should I be doing this (therapy)?";
"Now, tell me again, why do I need to pay attention to emotions?";
"Really, now, aren't I just an emotional hypochondriac?";
"So, I still don't get it, what exactly is the 'process' I'm supposed to trust?";
"Tell me what to do!!";
"I think I'm getting worse since beginning therapy";
"Am I the dumbest client you've ever had? I just don't 'get' it.";
"What? I'm supposed to pay attention to how my BODY feels?";
"I feel weird talking only about myself";
"I'm ticked off that you've made me dependent on you. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I know you hate me. I know you're going to terminate me at any time."
"Is it really possible to change?"
"I'm feeling lost."

Originally Posted by Suratji

Yeah, I was trying to put into words (again) my feelings about therapy. I have such a push and pull. My T is very aware of my struggles and I constantly pepper her with questions and concerns like,
"Should I be doing this (therapy)?";
"Now, tell me again, why do I need to pay attention to emotions?";
"Really, now, aren't I just an emotional hypochondriac?";
"So, I still don't get it, what exactly is the 'process' I'm supposed to trust?";
"Tell me what to do!!";
"I think I'm getting worse since beginning therapy";
"Am I the dumbest client you've ever had? I just don't 'get' it.";
"What? I'm supposed to pay attention to how my BODY feels?";
"I feel weird talking only about myself";
"I'm ticked off that you've made me dependent on you. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I know you hate me. I know you're going to terminate me at any time."
"Is it really possible to change?"
"I'm feeling lost."

I know that you did not mean for this to be humorous, but it is!! I have said these same things for a year!! I wonder when we will finally believe that it is okay to be in therapy and be able to trust the therapy process (whatever that is).

I have somewhat gotten to the point that I refrain from spending my precious therapy time talking about these things. They are constantly in the back of my mind, but I am choosing to ignore them!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I know that you did not mean for this to be humorous, but it is!! I have said these same things for a year!! I wonder when we will finally believe that it is okay to be in therapy and be able to trust the therapy process (whatever that is).

I have somewhat gotten to the point that I refrain from spending my precious therapy time talking about these things. They are constantly in the back of my mind, but I am choosing to ignore them!

Oh, I find it funny too and so does my T. We usually laugh each time I repeat these questions.

But, to be honest, in the end, I'm finding therapy very very helpful. If I'm honest with myself I can see giant leaps in self-understanding. And I've been able to change some of my attitudes and behaviors. It's just when I find myself in a skeptical mood that I begin the cycle of questioning again.

It helps that I have a T whom I like and I trust. Without that key element I may have quit a few months ago. I've read in many psychotherapy books that the relationship between client and therapist is the most important element in the success of therapy. Studies have shown that it may not matter as much which approach a T takes as long as there is a strong trusting relationship. It is this therapeutic alliance that is critical. I knew I liked my T from the first visit. I am very 'sensitive' and I know immediately if I resonate with another person or not. Lucky for me I found the right T on my first attempt.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Yeah, I was trying to put into words (again) my feelings about therapy. I have such a push and pull. My T is very aware of my struggles and I constantly pepper her with questions and concerns like,
"Should I be doing this (therapy)?";
"Now, tell me again, why do I need to pay attention to emotions?";
"Really, now, aren't I just an emotional hypochondriac?";
"So, I still don't get it, what exactly is the 'process' I'm supposed to trust?";
"Tell me what to do!!";
"I think I'm getting worse since beginning therapy";
"Am I the dumbest client you've ever had? I just don't 'get' it.";
"What? I'm supposed to pay attention to how my BODY feels?";
"I feel weird talking only about myself";
"I'm ticked off that you've made me dependent on you. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I know you hate me. I know you're going to terminate me at any time."
"Is it really possible to change?"
"I'm feeling lost."

I'm really impressed you actually ask all this stuff instead of just thinking it . You said you and your t laugh when you repeat these questions. I can imagine having a sense of humour about them sometimes but sometimes they must feel like serious questions. Have you gotten the reassurance you wanted when you first asked?

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by learning1

I'm really impressed you actually ask all this stuff instead of just thinking it . You said you and your t laugh when you repeat these questions. I can imagine having a sense of humour about them sometimes but sometimes they must feel like serious questions. Have you gotten the reassurance you wanted when you first asked?

Oh, my T and I have a wonderful relationship. We can laugh but also explore deeply my feelings. She listens attentively and it seems like she understands. I feel very validated by her. She accepts that I challenge her constantly but I also try to have an open mind and will try some things that she suggests - like Sand Tray, etc., that my logical analytical mind initially was very skeptical about.

With her I have been able to take a giant leap in courage and do and say things I may never have been able to do if we didn't have a strong and safe therapeutic relationship. I feel I can almost say anything to her. I've allowed myself to feel totally 'stupid' in her presence. I tell her I'm feeling embarrassed before I reveal some things. I try to be as honest as I possibly can.

Even so, there are places I still cannot 'go' with her. Courage doesn't arrive in one fell swoop. It comes in increments. I don't know if I'll every be able to let her into the deepest chamber of my heart but it's not because I don't trust her but because I am not able to face my own shame.