[Elysium]

So, T and I have been discussing how I experience my dissociation, and she has been talking to me about how to "feel" my skin....and feel my edges. She says what she means is that some people who dissociate spend less time "in" their body's than others; that, even when they are present in mind, there is a disconnect between mind/body.

She asked me what it feels like when I feel my skin. And she didn't mean feel it in the way like a tactile sensation, but more of a perceptual feel....I'm not sure how to explain it. She asked "How does it feel when you feel the edges of your body?", which I guess is where your skin begins?

I told her that I didn't know, because I don't. I don't recall ever feeling my skin before. I honestly don't think I have. I don't spend a lot of time "in" my body. It doesn't feel connected to me at all. She asked me if I wanted to work on that and explained to me about how we would do that. I agreed, but was a little bit afraid.

What we did....T came and sat next to me and we turned towards each other. She held her hand out in front of me and said that, when I was ready, she wanted me to just lay my hand on top of hers, palm down and sit with it for a moment. I felt fairly safe with that so I did that and then she said for me to notice what it felt like to have my skin touching her skin....and she had me focus on that. Then, she switched it and asked me to notice what it felt like to have her skin touching mine. I guess it's the difference between touching someone and letting them touch you. I kind of felt the difference, but it was really challenging perceptually. Then she said to feel what it was like for both of us to touch each others hand....to feel what it felt to have both.....and I couldn't really feel that. I could feel one or the other, and it took time for me to get there, but feeling both me touching her skin and her touching mine at the same time....I couldn't get there. She said that was normal for people who don't spend much time in their body's.

When we were sitting there and I was trying to feel both of us touching, I got this really strong feeling that it was WRONG to allow myselves to feel that. I felt like I had been bad. It gave me the chills. I told T and she said that she could understand why I would have that feeling, but that I wasn't bad. She said that some people who don't spend a lot of time in their body's feel really wrong or bad because it's how they've learned to protect. By walling off their own physical sensation of other's touch.

Any one else done this type of work with T? I think it was a good thing, but it was very of scary. I just wanted to share.

[SpiritRunner]

sounds like excellent work!
no, my T wouldn't do that with me, she is no touch, but I am glad that yours will do that sort of thing with you to help you know your body more and be in it more.....

I/we have the same problem with skin/body stuff.

My T is big on touch especially when we're dissociated inside. The inside kids LOVE cuddling up with T... they are always holding hands with her or hanging off her arm when we talk, and especially if we are talking about trauma stuff then she usually has her hand on us.

Sounds like you did really good work!!

[rainbow8]

I don't understand what you wrote about feeling the edges of your skin but I can really relate to how it feels to hold T's hand and feeling that it's wrong to feel good when we hold hands.

The first time T asked if I (it was actually "she", the child part) wanted to hold her hand, I had to think about it because I was very scared. I'd always fantasized about holding my Ts hands (with other Ts but they never let me) but I was afraid it would feel sexual. When I finally let myself hold her hand, it felt good, not sexual. But at times it felt wrong and bad, and kind of stupid. I felt ashamed of it feeling so good. I still do, but I can't stop myself from asking her now. I like the connected feeling of us holding hands. My T doesn't think it's wrong or bad; she comes right over to sit next to me when I want her to. Maybe you just need to get used to the touching, and discuss it more with your T. I think it's a good thing but I do understand how scary it was for you.