[TinaL]

I have been seeing my therapist for 8 visits now. He is a good T no doubt.

I have been reading lots of post speaking about how clients get attached to their T.

I am wondering how that happens? I mean I know about Transference. But, I don't feel it or see it with my T at all.

Am, I bad for not feeling a total connection to the T?

Am, I bad for not wanting to be attached to the T?

I am confused. I'm sorry I have rambled.

[jazzy123456]

consider it a blessing to not feel attached, if this still means you feel you are getting your needs met and the support you need. if nothing is lacking from the experience, don't wish attachment on yourself...its a hard thing.

[sunrise]

Attachment, connection, and transference are all different, and you can have one without the others. I am securely attached to my therapist and it has been so helpful in my therapy. My T and I also connect quite easily (I wouldn't call it "total connection" as you did--not sure what that is), but I don't have transference with my T (maybe a flash of negative transference once in a while), and I am not dependent on my T. Everyone has a different combination of these things in therapy, and what works for one person may not be ideal for another.

Originally Posted by TinaL

Am, I bad for not wanting to be attached to the T?

No, you are not bad for not wanting to be attached. I think it can be a good thing to know what one wants out of therapy. Although attachment can be very helpful, it may not be your cup of tea or what you need. I was not attached to my first therapist, and we got some useful work done. But it has been very healing for me to have a close relationship with my current therapist, and I'm not sure we could have that unless I was securely attached.

[WePow]

I encourage you to bring all of these points and emotions up with your T.
They may be showing you something you need to discover about your journey.

[cmac13]

Originally Posted by jazzy123456

consider it a blessing to not feel attached, if this still means you feel you are getting your needs met and the support you need. if nothing is lacking from the experience, don't wish attachment on yourself...its a hard thing.

There is nothing wrong with feeling attached to your therapist. In fact it is through a positive attachement/relationship that a great deal of work can be done in therapy. Many folks have never experienced a positive attachement in their lives and have for the first time felt it with their therapist. It's called being human and it OK.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by cmac13

There is nothing wrong with feeling attached to your therapist. In fact it is through a positive attachement/relationship that a great deal of work can be done in therapy. Many folks have never experienced a positive attachement in their lives and have for the first time felt it with their therapist. It's called being human and it OK.

I would disagree to a degree... many of the post show not-so-healthy attachment that imho cause more pain than good.

not everybody has problems with relationship and if you can find it with unpaid people, than it is better. Use the time and money spend on therapy on real issues, not on those that were created by the situation.

[cmac13]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

I would disagree to a degree... many of the post show not-so-healthy attachment that imho cause more pain than good.

not everybody has problems with relationship and if you can find it with unpaid people, than it is better. Use the time and money spend on therapy on real issues, not on those that were created by the situation.

I guess if you are in therapy for solution-focussed, problem solving short term therapy, but so many people in this forum are dealing with unresolved issues that go way back. Not just dealing with one particular problem and moving on.

[PreacherHeckler]

Venus I would say it's not necessarily the attachment itself that causes the problems, even if it's unhealthy because we haven't learned how to have a healthy attachment. The way the therapist handles the attachment is crucial. An unhealthy, overly intense but insecure attachment can be modified and made healthy and secure by the therapist's behavior and the client's willingness to trust the therapist to handle it appropriately even when handling it appropriately feels terribly rejecting to the client.
Sure, there are some T's who lead clients to believe that the relationship is more than it really is, just as there are some T's who try to prevent their clients from becoming attached at all. But it really isn't the attachment itself that causes the most problems -- it's the way that attachment (or lack of attachment) is handled.

[2or3things]

I just wanted to add that 8 visits might be too soon for you to be feeling any particular attachment. I know that, given my issues, I'm very prone to becoming attached, but that it also takes me a really long time to allow myself to do so (or to stop fighting it, anyway).

I think attachment can't be rushed, isn't 100% necessary in all cases, but that there's nothing wrong with it. If attachment issues are part of what brings you to therapy, you'll find out eventually. And if that's what you're there for in some way, the best thing you can do is work through it.

But don't be in any sort of rush. Wherever you're at in a give moment is precisely where you need to be!

[TinaL]

Thanks for the responses.
It made me see something I didn't see before. I am fighting any sort of attachment. Don't get me wrong, he is a good T. But that's all I see him as. I mean, I am there to resolve a few issues. If I get to deep, maybe I will become attached and that is not my goal.
I do feel I have attachment issues in general. I am not really close to anyone but my kids. I don't have real life friends. I choose that. I know it has caused me more trouble than it's worth.
8 visits is a short time as well. I know it might take time. But I am determined to not allow it. It might in a unconscious way stop me from being real. Not sure.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

I would disagree to a degree... many of the post show not-so-healthy attachment that imho cause more pain than good.

Yes, but not-so-healthy attachment (insecure?) can be quite different from healthy (secure) attachment. We don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water! Secure attachment is healthy and can be very therapeutic.

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

not everybody has problems with relationship and if you can find it with unpaid people, than it is better. Use the time and money spend on therapy on real issues, not on those that were created by the situation.

That's a different experience than I've had, and I can see that it could be frustrating to never work on real issues in therapy. In my own therapy, we do work on "real" issues, such as dealing with the impending deaths of my parents. We don't work overtly on the attachment. T and I have a great relationship and don't need to spend a lot of time officially working on it. We keep it strong and build it by sharing in session, having success, not giving up, telling difficult things and getting supportive reactions, etc. Our relationship just "is", and doesn't take up our time and attention. It is strengthened through the work of therapy (on "real issues"). Being securely attached to my therapist allows me to do the deep and difficult work of therapy. If I didn't have that, I don't think I would have made as much progress in therapy, turned my life around, etc. Plus, some of the interactional work we do, such as my being scared to bring up topics in therapy, or shy, or not a good listener, or whatever, reflect things in my real relationships that I would like to change, so working on those challenges in therapy is helpful. The relationship and communication patterns with T serve as a laboratory where I can try out new behaviors and have success with them before trying them out in a relationship with a friend or relative. I believe that those interactional/relational benefits of therapy are working on real issues.

TinaL I understand that you might not want to be attached to your therapist--maybe you want solution focused therapy on a very defined problem, or you are very uncomfortable with close relationships and doesn't want to work on that, or many other reasons. That's great you know what you want. I just don't want you to think that attachment to a therapist necessarily detracts from therapy, is unhealthy, or means you focus on attachment issues with the therapist, etc. Secure attachment to the T can be like a helpful background to therapy, not an issue that need dominate the discussion and work.

TinaL, it is true that in only 8 sessions, a person might not have attached to their therapist. But it is also true that they may never attach to the therapist, so I don't think you need to worry. You don't want attachment and you are not feeling it. So all seems good, right? It sounds like your therapy may be going just the way you want it. Have you found it helpful so far?

Sometimes when we read or hear about other people's accounts of their therapy, we get to wondering, hey, why isn't my therapy like that (either good or bad). Every person's therapy is a unique experience and it is OK if you don't have what your next door neighbor has. Hopefully, you and your therapist can co-create a therapy that is ideal for you and your needs. Good luck. Hope you will post more.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

Use the time and money spend on therapy on real issues, not on those that were created by the situation.

I have to disagree with this as well, that our feelings are the result of other people. I am not so sure that the feelings that come up in therapy are due to the situation. Because I think we always contribute which is why we always have the ability to change. JMO.

[TinaL]

Just got back from my therapy appointment. And guess what we talked about "attachments!"

He and I started visiting the subject and I had a major panic attack. I had to stop him from talking and tell him I needed the restroom to wash my face. I wanted to run. I got myself together and came back into the office. He asked if what we were talking about was upsetting me?
I said, I don't think so, as I am off Benzo's a little more than 24 hours a day now.

We finished up the session. But I did express that I do not attach myself to anything, or anyone. He asked me if that was helping me grow emotionally? I said no. We explored the issue.

I was so embarrassed that I had a panic attack in front of him! I was embarrassed that I had to use the bathroom to gather myself.
I don't know. He said I handled it well.

So, me being able to deal with that in session is a big step....

Oh, and my issues are very important! I think everyone who is in therapy has important issues!

((((((((((((Tina)))))))))))))

I think it's great that you talked about the attachment with T

I feel very securely attached to my T, but I've been seeing him for a LONG time...almost 4 years. It took a long time to work through all of the walls and fears and self-protection and history and everything that kept me from feeling safe enough to feel that secure attachment.

Like Sunny said, although we have talked about our relationship, the attachment has really grown through working through difficult things together, through T giving me different responses than the ones I had as a child, through me showing up week after week willing to do the work.

I think you are right where you need to be. It sounds like you are doing good work

[TinaL]

Can't seem to settle down from today!

Originally Posted by TinaL

Can't seem to settle down from today!

I *just* sent my T an e-mail that said "therapy days are HARD".

They are.

I know tomorrow will be a little better and the next day a little better, but it takes time.

Be gentle with yourself tonight. Breathe