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#1
Jun 29, 2011, 05:38 PM
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Oh WOW.
Had session with T. Part of it was really lighthearted and nice and then we got into the dark stuff. At the end of session, T said "if we dipped a foot into the pool last week, how far do you think we went this week?" and I said "probably up to our waists" and he said he thought so too. That's a big jump. I was BACK THERE in my head and it was soooooo uck. And just...yuck.  I told T how I used to count the swirls on my ceiling and at the end of session I told him I couldn't get the ceiling out of my head. I finally ended up drawing it and SCRIBBLING it out. I was scared to scribble out the whole thing...like, what if I still need it there to count it? But I DON'T. T talked about the ceiling and he said that it was there when I needed it and it helped me but that I don't need it anymore. He asked what we should do with the picture and I said I didn't know and we decided to rip it up. I asked him to and he said let's do it together so we did. And he said it's so imprinted in my head that it may come back but I can tell myself "I don't need that anymore" and let it go. He told me about the hardest thing he ever said in therapy. Not what he said, but how he felt. When he told me, his voice got all shaky. He said he felt like he was going to die, but he knew he wouldn't and he didn't. When I was coming back from the yuck in my head, T had pulled his chair close and I was holding two of his fingers with my hand. I tried to feel how solid he was, and how solid I am. And while he was filling out my receipt, he was sitting with me on the couch and little bits of it would pop into my head and I'd sort of shudder or shake my head, and T would say "I know, it's okay". He gave me a long hug at the end. I know he doesn't think I'm a the big pile of yuck that I dumped out there, but it sure feels like I am. Blah. I don't know. I guess that's it. |
 WePow
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#2
Jun 29, 2011, 05:52 PM
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Quote:
 You're not a big pile of yuck. You're a brave person, one of the bravest I've ever seen. And you've got a good T to get into that deep, yucky stuff with you. Hugs ((((((((Tree)))))))))))
__________________
Only you can prevent neurotypical jerkiness!
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#3
Jun 29, 2011, 06:17 PM
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 TREEHOUSE!You are special. Remember that! 
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#4
Jun 29, 2011, 06:39 PM
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(((((( TREE )))))))
Big, safe, gentle hugs for you. Lots of them, from me. You are doing such hard work right now....
__________________
Don't follow the path that lies before you. Instead, veer from the path - and leave a trail... 
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#5
Jun 29, 2011, 06:53 PM
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((((((((((big hugs!!!))))))))))
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#6
Jun 29, 2011, 06:56 PM
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(((((((((Tree)))))))))
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#7
Jun 29, 2011, 08:02 PM
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
sweet hugs for you. You are not yuck.
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#8
Jun 29, 2011, 08:20 PM
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#9
Jun 29, 2011, 08:21 PM
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((((((Tree)))))) I so so so understand about the ceiling :-( I am so so sorry.
Yes, our safe male T's to hug us after they KNOW what we have to tell them... wow girl... yeah... we NEED those hugs. We didn't get them at the time, that is for dang sure! Left to feel like what we were told we were. But you and I are NOT that! We DESERVE to be loved and respected! I want my T right now and will go in thought to his couch and curl up for bed and just see him looking at me... all SAFE... God BLESS those male Ts who work with female survivors and can really be safe but still give us that hug that helps us heal. TONS of hugs to you! |
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#10
Jun 29, 2011, 08:26 PM
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(((((((((
(((((((((((TREEHOUSE)))))))))))))))))))))
__________________
 Happy Birthday to Me. “Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music." 
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#11
Jun 29, 2011, 08:27 PM
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Tree, so good for sharing the yuck! so hard, so courageous!
sending you as many safe hugs as cyberspace will allow pc only allow 12, so here they all are... decided to only send eleven, so you can keep the one t gave you! ps i hate the ceiling too. |
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#12
Jun 29, 2011, 08:51 PM
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{{{{{treehouse}}}}}
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~ 
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