[complic8d]

I saw my therapist today, who I have been seeing for over 2 years now. She has always been so compassionate and understanding, and she was again today. However, when I left the office I became panicked. I was scared and crying, all the way home. When I got home I decided to call her to discuss this with her. I realized that I maybe was beginning to really know that she cares about me, and even maybe that I can be cared about! It goes against those deeply ingrained beliefs that I hold, so that must be why it was so confusing and frightening. I calmed down after talking to her, but still feel in a daze. Just wanted to get this down. Has anyone here gone from thinking they meant nothing to possibly believing they could matter? To me it is very scary. What do you think?

[Overcastbutclearing]

My Dear Compilc8d.....I am going through this very same thing right now!
I just had a conversation with my T...saying I am scared over how much she cares because I have never had someone in my life who truly cared that much or had their best interest at heart for me.
I totally get what you are saying.
In a way, it makes me want to sabotage things because it confuses my head that already has me believing I am no good.
We must continue to allow people to care...as hard as it is and as uneasy as it feels!

[Hopefull]

Therapy can be very scary especially when it starts to conflict with your previously held beliefs. Hang in there. You will find that you enjoy feeling more like a valuable person.

[complic8d]

Thanks for the encouragement!
I do feel like sabotaging it too. I even called her and said, "I don't want you to care about me so much." She said that puts her in a bad spot because she does. I sabotage it in my head anyway, like, "she is doing her job, she is that way with every client, she doesn't know the real me..." Well, so continues that wonderful borderline bahavior.

[hazeleyes]

oh my.... i have this fear that i'm borderline too.... but not going after that diagnose... anyways, just wanted to tell you i'm experiencing the exact same thing right now. And it is painful! Like I don't know if to escape or embrace her? It's like I'm feeling worse instead of better....

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Yes it can be very scary I think thats in part cause a person doesnt want it to end..like it may have when they were a kid or something..I like your avatar
my best to you.,...I know it aint easy...but keep on going and in time...it may feel just right

[(JD)]

Yes. And "sabotaging" is exactly the right word... the fear of being abandoned or otherwise hurt by the T (as "so many" others may have done) causes us to try and thwart them from caring about us.

It's good that you recognize this, and maybe that will help you to realize when you do some things, or say some things, to your T that it isn't really about what you say, but your internal efforts to make "sure" you let them know you are "not" worth their caring. It is a scarey time... and isn't brief, imo.

Of course you (and everyone) IS worth being cared about.... those who haven't experienced this unconditional caring, don't know "where" to put it in their brains... it's new territory and thus, fearful. TC..