Rethinking my actions. Why did I do that?

So my dad got on me for driving an hour and 15 minutes to see my pdoc once a month saying it was too far to drive. This was on Wednesday and upset me. T said on Tuesday that if I needed something before next session to call or email. I like email better so I emailed Wed. morning. Now it is Fri. night and no response yet not even saying we'll talk about it next session. Oh well, maybe she already left to go on vacation. I'm sure there is an explanation.

Anyways, after posting to PC about driving to see my pdoc, I got a few "it's okay as long as my pdoc knows" responses. I know he knows I moved, but not neccessarily that I am driving over an hour. So, since I hate bringing things up in sessions, and because I communicate better in writing, I wrote him a letter telling him. I mailed it this morning, and now I am regretting it. I'm afraid he will tell me to find someone closer to home.

While I was on the letter writing I also included some info on how my first T session went and told him I staerted T, I figured he should know. In June, I had emailed pdoc about whether or not to seek therapy for my scab pocking issue, then decided to go for it before he responded. So part of my letter was about that and what my T thought about the issue. I'm feeling stupid for telling him that my T thinks my behavior is compulsive and anxiety based. I'm afraid he will try to give me more medication and I definitely don't want to be on anti-anxiety medication because I heard it is addictive. And I really don't want to add an OCD med for the compulsion either. Why did I have to be so stupid to tell him what my T thought. I know she told me to next time I saw him, but why did I have to listen and include it in this letter?

I wish I could unsend the letter, but it's long gone and on its way by now. Hopefully he won't think I am crazy and will be kind about the letter at my next appointment with him. He is normally okay with my writing letters, it gives him an idea what is going on and what we need to talk about. I'm just having second thoughts about this one.

Anyone else ever regret their actions like this? Maybe I should try emailing T again saying I sent a letter and am now regretting it. Then maybe we can talk about it next session. I'll see her in about 9 days, so I'll see her before my pdoc. I wish next week wasn't a holiday week, I just started T and missing a week seems like it with cause me to go backwards and get nervous about seeing her again.

I hate my emotions. Why do I have to (always) act before fully thinking something through?

I don't think a pdoc can tell you to find someone else simply because you are further away. I drive 45 minutes to my appointments twice a week for therapy! I have some clients that drive over an hour for weekly appointments because they want to come to this agency. He may explore the possibility, but it seems unlikely to push the issue.

Regarding the letter, I think you did good telling him what's going on. As your pdoc he should be aware of being in therapy and the reasons for that. Just because he recommends a medication, does not mean you automatically have to take it. And, not all anti-anxiety medications are addictive. I have several on Vistaril or a single med that acts as an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety that are non-addictive. You have a right to be cautious about your meds and refuse to try ones that are addictive.

I can understand the regret, and have been on both sides of the fence... Sent something to my T where I kick myself, or have clients who send something and call/email in a panic about it. What I can tell you, is in all instances, it turned out well for me and/or my client.

Trust your pdoc and your T to provide you the support you need. They will not think you are crazy. I would assume they would feel proud because you take an active role in your treatment and provide them with information they need to know.

Take gentle care of you.

I drive two hours (each way) twice a week, so your situation is not in anyway extreme.

Ended up emailing T about regretting my actions. Just checked my email and had a reply that she read my emails, but she has a lot going on right now and is strapped for time, but she will respond before my next session. Now just to wait until then. Guess I have to learn to be patient. Not the response I wanted, but it is a response, so I guess I should be happy.

T just responded to my email saying that it isn't always bad to act in haste and calls it a learning experience to make me think again next time. She said a few more things too. She said we'll discuss it when I come in next week. I'm dreading discussing it now. What more can she say that she didn't already tell me in the email? Oh well.

Hey,

we all do things we regret but what you have done is honestly not that bad at all.

As stormy said, I doubt your pdoc will make you see someone else because at the end of the day it is your choice to travel to see him. So unless there is some rule that his clients have to be from a certain zip code, I dont think he will make you change. I am sure he will be glad that you decided to try therapy out and to hear what the T said. It doesn't mean he will agree with the T and no one can make you take meds you don't want to hun.

I'm sorry your T couldnt offer a more reassuring email to you but I think they also think it wasn't a bad mistake really or they probably would have said something more dramatic than the general message of 'we learn from our mistakes'.

Just got another email from my T saying she had a cancelation for 1pm today and wanted to offer it to me first. I decided to take it. Now to call my mom and cancel lunch, I can always reschedule that for next week, my mental health is more important at this point in time.

Just got home from T. Glad I decided to cancel lunch with my mom and take the session I was offered. I am more at ease with my actions now. T convinced me that it was not a "bad" decision at all and even gave possible outcomes that could come of it. We got to the point pretty quickly that I doubt my own judgement too often and need to be more confident in myself.

I'm glad that you got in to see your T. It seems like you give your actions an incredible amount of weight?