my T doesn't like me

Or I feel like she doesn't. What do I do? Can I just tell her? I don't really feel like starting over with someone else but this therapy is really uncomfortable for me. And I feel like I could use help. Should I ask for a referral? Just cancel the next appt? I don't want to come off as critical btw.

For reasons that I feel like she doesn't like me:
-she questioned my motivation
-she said I am hard to get along with sometimes
-she said I don't seem very hopeful about therapy
-she blamed me for a lot of things that I don't see as fully my fault
-she mentioned she doesn't take just any patient and if I don't like being in therapy I could stop coming

These come off as so hostile to me... I am really sensitive to these things. Am I being too sensitive? I feel like so focused on my relationship with my T now. I am way more self conscious about being "hard to get along with" in other interactions w/ ppl... NOT the way it's supposed to work.

Insights? Conversation starters? I am open to any suggestions.

Wow, that sounds like a bad place to be in with a therapist. I feel rejected just reading how she is with you. I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this, that I hear you're hurting, and I'm sending you hugs.

This may not help you much (if any), but... what does a person feel when they "don't like" someone? What do you feel when you "don't like" someone? When I examine this feeling in myself, I realize that I am afraid of this person. So what if your T is to some extent "afraid" of you? Afraid and does not see her feelings that clearly?

When I start to think that sort of thing about someone, they begin to seem less "powerful" to me and more insecure. You begin not to treat them as the BIG AUTHORITY but more as a "person", who can be "wrong" sometimes. And that can be a frightening thought at some stage, to see them as being possibly not completely in control. That is why I said this may not be of much help to you: are you prepared to see them as possibly not being "in control"? Can you deal with that perception of a T? Can you check out this idea in more detail?

My guess is that this is just her style. If she doesn't take just anyone than surely she would refer you out if she didn't like you... she doesn't strike me as shy.
I would talk to her about it and what you hear when she says those things.

lastyearisblank, how long have you been seeing this therapist?

I don't think you should cancel the next appointment as I think it would be helpful to get more information that might help you with either this T or another one if you decide to leave.

I think this kind of comment can be useful to a client, but it can be hard to take unless the therapeutic relationship is quite strong. It is also not very helpful to the client in inspiring change unless the comment is more specific and specifies how it is that you are hard to get along with and provides ideas for alternative ways of interacting. The client probably wouldn't be like that if they knew another way to be, so they need more specifics. My T has offered some comments to me about how I present to others, that I might not be aware of, i.e. things I might want to change if I want better relationships. This would have been really hard to hear from him in the early stages of our relationship! I would have been so hurt.... But we have a strong enough relationship now that he can tell me things like that, and I appreciate it very much. I think you could ask your T for more information on this comment of hers--about concrete examples of what you said or did that made it hard to get along with you and also concrete ideas for how to behave differently. When you have this information in hand, you can decide for yourself whether you agree with it. I agree it certainly doesn't do you any good to be more self-conscious about such behavior but not know alternative ways of being.

Your motivation for coming to therapy? Sometimes clients aren't quite sure--they just feel really unhappy in life. Do you mean you are telling her one motivation but she is suspecting another?

That sounds like a statement of her observation. Is that true? I wouldn't necessarily connect this to the idea that she doesn't like you. I think it is in large part the role of the therapist to inspire hope in the client.

It would be hard to feel one's T was blaming one. Could it be that you are describing a situation to her such as a disagreement with a friend, and she is giving you ideas for how you could have behaved differently to improve the situation? She might be focusing on your role because you are her client and she can't give advice directly to the friend. Maybe it's not blame but just focusing her effort on where she can have input? It's hard to tell without a specific example of how she does this. In any case, it does not sound like a positive for your relationship with T that you feel blamed unfairly by her.

Of all the comments you shared, this is the one that bugged me most. It sounds like she is comparing you to other patients and making your "acceptance" into her practice contingent on.... something... She doesn't specify. Perhaps contingent on your making progress? Your being hopeful that therapy can help? It sounds like she is hinting that you may not be "good enough" for her practice. I don't know. This is not a good comment.

If you don't have much time invested with this T, you might consider that the fit is not good and look elsewhere. I think many times people spend too long with a therapist that is not right for them. As a caveat to that, if you have a history of trying out Ts and then leaving them for someone else, it could be that this behavior is a way of avoiding hard topics in therapy.

It might also be true that you are focusing now on your relationship with T as a way of avoiding some other big and painful problem you are having a hard time bringing up. Or you are trying hard to build the relationship so that you feel safe enough to share the hard stuff. But your T is not making it easy to build that bond.

If it is a short relationship, I would consider looking elsewhere, unless there is pattern of a "T-leaving." If you want to stay with this therapist, I think it is paramount that you share these concerns with her.

This sounds really hard and painful, lastyearisblank. Good luck to you.

I've had sessions where I feel rejected, but it seems to me that its his way to provoke change in me. Things always go back to normal eventually. Do you ever feel connected?
I would bring it up, or print your question and bring it in. That sounds very frustrating.

If what she says about you rings true to some extent, take that good information and turn it over for some good in your life. If however you think she could not be further from the truth, then a second opinion or other therapist may be able to shed a more clear light on how to help you solve your inner most problems.

I've had a couple of ruptures with my T but we've always gotten back on track. Maybe I'll have moments of distrust or worry but I always return to a place of confidence in her.

So, do you ever have those moments with your T or what you've shared is the predominant feeling you have?

Based on what you've posted, I don't like your T, especially the comment about being free to stop coming. Of course you're free but my T has always encouraged me to continue when she sees me wobbling in my desire to keep on keeping on. I would feel totally rejected if she made a comment like that to me.

But I remember how you've said in the past how you like your T so there must be something good about the relationship too, right?

To me it sounds as if you T is not a good fit for you. I dont believe her comments means she dislikes you at all, only designed to get you to push yourself to work harder in therapy, but if you are not ready to do that she should understand. Instead she is telling you you can drop out. Not very professional. It would be better if you could find someone who can work at a pace more comfortable for you.

Thanks for posting this lyib 'cuz it's how I feel now too, so the answers are helpful. For me, I think it's probably partly me instead of my t though, but still hard to tell.

I thought the part where she said she doesn't take just any client could have meant she likes you since she has taken you as a client. Does that make sense, based on however she said it exactly? The part where she said if you don't like being in therapy you could stop coming could be really negative if she was really suggesting you stop coming. It could also be a thing to say to encourage you not to be afraid to come, pointing out that you could stop at any point if you change your mind, depending how she said it. Is it possible she could have meant that?

Obviously you can tell better than anyone since you were there and heard her, I'm just trying to think of possible more positive interpretations in case she really does like you, since I'm sure you'd rather if she does. Whatever you decide, I think it's great your putting in the work with this t or another one. I really understand the difficulty because I'm struggling with it with my t now too. I'm going to think about what pachyderm wrote.

Perhaps, your T is expressing frustration. If she truly didn't like you, she'd show you the door, I think. Talk to her about how you feel and how you've been trying and hopefully the two of you can come to a better understanding.

I speak from my own experience where I hated my T and thought she in turn hated me-well it is true my presence didn't bring her joy, but we eventually worked things out. Now I am T's favorite.

I would be interested to read more about how you worked it out if you want to share, or pm. If not, that's okay too

Hey guys!!! Thanks for the understanding and validation. I really appreciate it that nobody was like "yes lastyear you suck." The thing is I was almost tempted to not keep going because yes, I do feel my T is overreacting and trying to cover it up with "professionalism." But in a way it's tit for tat because if I am making her feel even a little bit the way how she is making me feel, it's worth getting to the bottom of it. I do want to improve my relationships personally.

That being said, thank you some of you for also laying out the boundaries, I have issues with those. So it's very very clear I think that a T being challenging/ extra forceful can be helpful... except when it's NOT. Wait, that's not that clear. But yeah, you have to feel it out I guess.

It's been 7 sessions. Maybe it's best not to get too comfortable w. this scenario and look for someone else.

For the "you can like it or you can get out," I saw that more as permission. I think she is aware that too much pushing is going to hurt me, but somehow is still holding a grudge. So yeah. Haha!!!!!

Yikes, the line between challenging/forceful/controlling versus pushing too much is so tricky. I wasn't sure whether to write this here or on my Next Top Model thread, since it's kinda relevant to both.

I'm glad the "you can get out" thing was just permission (as in pretty much a good, supportive thing she was saying, right?)

I want to write more but I hafta go do something else for now.

Lastyear, I called my T and asked for her email address so that I could write to her what I hadn't be able to voice. We had had some uncomfortable/awkward conversations up to that point, and it was obvious that we both not the other person's favorite.

In my email, I told her how much I was struggling. I told her that I knew I needed therapy, but that I was so angry that I needed to be in therapy. I was trying not to take my anger out on her but that it was hard. I also told her that I had issues with trust and that the therapeutic relationship was odd to me-confiding in someone I know nothing about. I asked her to be patient with me and to forgive my b****iness/coldness. I also took the step of telling her how I felt about myself and my life in that email since I couldn't give her specific details at that time.

I think the letter helped her understand where I was coming from, that I was committed, and that I wasn't be a b**** for kicks. It also helped me to be more comfortable with opening up to her slowly.

Also, key was, I think, that I didn't address what I perceived to be her faults, so she wouldn't think I was being antagonistic again. Not saying you are but I definitely was. It took a LONG time to get to where we are today. I credit her patience and my being willing to struggle to trust her and the process.

Honestly, that was the part that felt the most backhanded. I don't need anyone's permission to do anything least of all to pay them money for support. But I do need to be in therapy right now. I'm like overwhelmed with the SUI thoughts and in a bad place. It's just awkward because my T has no idea how bad it is because I can't tell her because we aren't close like that.... SO, it's a toss up. But I'm gonna be getting out my insurance list again just in case.

[quote=crazycanbegood;1932714]Lastyear, I called my T and asked for her email address so that I could write to her what I hadn't be able to voice. We had had some uncomfortable/awkward conversations up to that point, and it was obvious that we both not the other person's favorite.[quote]

Yeah exactly! It's that kind of thing.

Holy crap that is incredible. First of all that must have been really hard to write but I feel like if the T is not good it could have backfired, majorly. How were you even able to articulate all about yourself is my other question?

I have come up with a paragraph basically of what I want to say, but it is more questions (non-confrontational ones, I hope) just to figure out what this woman thinks the deal is-- with what my issues are, like clinically-- and then we can take the relationship piece apart, and I can decide if it's even worth continuing.

But yeah that is so cool that you were stubborn enough to write a letter. Some things you just don't want to give up on, yeah?

Do people think I am stupid to keep going back to her??????? I wonder if I am.

It's so complicated isn't it? We question whether it's our issues or the T's issues or whether we're being cowardly or brave by leaving.

Although it's said it doesn't work really, but have you ever wrote a list of pros and cons? That's way too analytical but I wonder if it would give you some insight.

Hard to say what she is trying to accomplish with you, if anything, without meeting her, but maybe you should nicely let her know you feel just that way and see what she says. Maybe her response would clarify and help you feel less unsure about it so you can feel more comfortable deciding what to do?

/...............

You're definitely not stupid, no matter what! You're thinking hard about it, and even if you decide at some point that you're not totally happy with whatever decisions you make/made about it, you're not stupid.

And I totally understand worrying about whether you're stupid for going to your t... that goes through my mind about my t too. When I saw you post it, I thought no!, of course you're not!

Sorry you're feeling the SUI thoughts

Whether you stay with her or try another t, I think either one would have a chance to be helpful

................

SOOOOOOOOOOOO panicked right now, I am writing to her to cancel our appt for tomorrow. This is not the T for me.