[SoupDragon]

I started T because of a desperate need to do something about the self destruct mode I was in and although those dark clouds are always on the horizon, I do feel much more able to get my umbrella out when they arrive and not feel so terrified by them.

I have learned much from my T - much about myself - I think I can now understand how all the pieces fit together going back to when I was born - some of this was due to parental failures - but I know they did the best they could - and that in turn led me to putting myself in vulnerable situations with the resulting trauma.

In my fantasies - I would like to become strong, robust, resilient, socially skilled, loved, popular, beautiful, funny etc, etc,. I think my T has some ambitions for me too. But also part of me is starting to think that rather than aim for change, just learn to accept.

I actually like spending time on my own. I have never asked friends to meet my needs, I guess which is why I started T last year, can I realistically become someone who can easily call a friend and ask if I can talk, ask for a cuddle? Can I become the person who actively looks out for my neighbours to say Good Morning, rather than waiting for the coast to be clear? The person who loves to go out with a group of friends.

My T challenged me and said if it is true that I like to be on my own, why do I SI. But I don't do it so often these days and it never needs medical attention, so maybe that is OK?

My T wants me to focus on my own needs more and not on other peoples. But what if there is a greater power who put me on this earth for the purpose of caring for others - would I like who I would become if I started putting myself first?

I guess I am just thinking am I being unrealistic in expecting this massive transformation in myself. I can maybe get to a point where I can talk about my experiences with T and they become less overwhelming - but that will never negate that they happended, that they had an impact on me that changed me forever and set me on this path.

When do I start to accept me as I am right now and stop striving for change that may never come.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

My T wants me to focus on my own needs more and not on other peoples. But what if there is a greater power who put me on this earth for the purpose of caring for others - would I like who I would become if I started putting myself first?

I guess I am just thinking am I being unrealistic in expecting this massive transformation in myself. I can maybe get to a point where I can talk about my experiences with T and they become less overwhelming - but that will never negate that they happended, that they had an impact on me that changed me forever and set me on this path.

When do I start to accept me as I am right now and stop striving for change that may never come.

I too have asked some of these same questions...here is what I think for myself...Nothing I can do will ever change what happened to me in the past....but the therapy will change the power it has over me. I will come to accept what has happened as being in the past and it will set me on a path to allow me to decide how I am going to be now and in the future...

I expect that some day what now I must "practice" and put conscious thought into (like expressing my true feelings) will someday just start happening without a lot of effort and then my effort will be used for other changes....that life is the journey and not the destination....and I'm hoping to have some fun along the way too. Personally, I don't want to become a totally different person just a healthier, happier version...

As far as taking care of yourself...my personal views are this....I struggle with thinking I'm important enough to spend time on...I too like to take care of others and I do believe in God who says we are to love others ...but my T. pointed out to me that even the Bible says we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves....that even the Bible makes the presumption that we are to love ourselves...

It is difficult for me to accept that I've had some of these issues start in early childhood and now I'm fortysomething...and I can't expect that I will change overnight but that doesn't mean change can't happen.....

I hope some of this is helpful....

[SoupDragon]

[quote=Readytostop;1936250]I
As far as taking care of yourself...my personal views are this....I struggle with thinking I'm important enough to spend time on...I too like to take care of others and I do believe in God who says we are to love others ...but my T. pointed out to me that even the Bible says we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves....that even the Bible makes the presumption that we are to love ourselves...quote]

Thank-you for your post, it was really helpful to read - I guess right now it is hard to envisage that the effort that I need to put in to doing things differently at the moment may in time become more automatic - I will try and hold on to that.

I was especially touched by the bit above - I am not sure what I believe in, but I do think the Bible is a book of wisdom at the very least and I had forgotton it said that - now to work out how to do that.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I guess I am just thinking am I being unrealistic in expecting this massive transformation in myself.

When do I start to accept me as I am right now and stop striving for change that may never come.

I asked my T last week if she has ever really seen transformation in people. I asked because I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and that I haven't been able to move forward.

She said "Yes, I have seen many people be able to make amazing changes - and really become much more authentic to themselves and much happier and freer. Yes, it is quite possible and it is not a linear path unfortunately and the mind likes it to be on a linear path and we think we should be able to make progress that we can measure easily and that we can proceed on the next level and then the next level but unfortunately it's a much more roundabout process and sometimes there's a shift without us knowing that it's shifted."

So, I believe her; especially when I think of the years it has taken to get me to the messed up place I'm in right now. How can I expect radical changes in just a few short months?

[pachyderm]

I hope to become -- or hope to increase the amount that I can become -- a person who does not just react and get triggered when confronted with people I think are off the beam. I want to just sit and watch them and think my thoughts about what is happening, and what is the meaning of the things that they do which trigger me. Try to understand what people are doing, rather than get triggered by them. When I can do it, I find the (alleged) insights delightful.

[Asiablue]

I hope to become strong, emotionally secure, more trusting of others, acquire acceptance of self and learn self-love. I hope to heal what is broken an hopefully for the memories not to hurt so much.