[SoupDragon]

I don't think I know what this means and was hoping for others views / ideas.

I have been let down several times in my life - one instance was when my midwife swapped my baby for another baqby (got my baby back thankfully) - this then led to me not trusting others with my baby - if you can't trust a midwife then who can you trust. Other breaches of trust in my life too.

I therefore think that to restore my trust I have to have examples of other people being trustworthy.

However I have been challenged about this and told it is down to me, this trust thing is in me not outside of me.

I really don't get it - if people have been untrustworthy, then how can it be down to me to re-build that trust - I need other people to be trustworthy first....don't I?

Also are there degrees of trust? - I think I completely trust or mistrust and can't seem to find any midground, again in my view people are either trustworthy or not trustworthy and if they are not trustworthy I do not want to spend time with them.

[skysblue]

I think you're absolutely right. People have to earn our trust. What we do with our T's is slowly build up trust with them. Same with other people - give them small areas of trust, like, "meet me at Starbucks at 2:00" and if they keep showing up late or not at all, you know that you can't trust them with that.

Only give your deepest trust to those who have earned it. Do not give your trust unconditionally. And I think we can 'trust' or 'not trust' but maybe there are certain things we can trust a person with but not other things.

[Omers]

2. thoughts...
first, I really appreciate you asking a bunch of the questions going through my head right now

second,a friend of mine (who shouldn't be trusted) explained trust this way:

everyone can be trusted, the real question is WHAT can they be trusted to do.

My son can be trusted to eat everything in sight

I think he has adopted this "definition" of trust due to his own trustworthiness but it has helped me as a stepping stone.

I don't have to totally trust massage T, but right now I can trust her to
Be on time
Be gentle
Keep things confidential
Touch me only in appropriate ways
Honor my comfort level
Return my phone calls
Respect my beliefs when we have different beliefs
Meet my needs when she can and honor (not make me feel ashamed for having them) them when she can't

This also helps me be more gentle with myself. I have a little part that massage T wants to help. The little part is very scared because she has had awful experiences with other people. The little is waiting to know if massage T can be trusted to:
tell the truth
stick with us
be OK with sadness
be OK when there are not words
be OK if the little makes a mistake about personal space and comes too close

So... is massage T trusted?
I think I have a lot of trust in massage T

It also shows me where I am learning to trust more... I have worked with 2 other massage T's and I limited where they could touch me so that I could keep myself safe (Neither one would have ever hurt me my ability to trust was just lower). This massage T I don't feel the need need to keep myself safe, I trust her to only touch appropriately.

[Gently1]

SoupDragon-

Trust was what my family doctor told me in the summer of 2008 or 09 that I did not have. She was perfectly correct.
I went home and was crushed by the implications of not trusting. A low of the lows. To make a long story short, my foster cat saved my life the next morning.

I went to bed thinking trust is and All or None and I had none. And with the pain of depression-dark thoughts. I went to bed really doubting the reason for my exsistance.

Well, I woke up to the sound of a purring cat across my chest. This cat that for the first year hissed at me, and was only starting to sleep on my bed (by my feet). So I open one eye, she does not move, I open both eyes, she does not move, I slide my hand out from the blankets, she does not move.

So now I wait, because it has to be on her terms when she moves so I can continue to earn her trust.

While I was waiting I got to thinking if an animal can learn to trust, and we are animals, we can also learn to trust. (We are supposed to be the smart ones). This feral foster cat gave me HOPE, and a starting point.
Eventually she had her fill of my attention, and I could finally get up and empty a very full bladder.

Now like the feral animals I have learned that people must earn my trust, and my best lessons in trust have come from Therapy.
And now a life long practice is ahead of me. I still try not to assume the worst, but at least now my intuition helps me start to trust or not. I control how much I trust and where I feel safe.

So yes it is in you to trust and it is by experience you will learn that skill.

You can also develop trust by being aware and practicing being trustworthy yourself, it goes a long ways to learning about trust.

I so hope this helps, as the realization that I did not trust was almost a disaster. I was not telling my family doctor the depth of my depression.

Update my foster cat is now happily in her forever home, where she has taken the trust of me and transferred it to another person.

Gently1

[Omers]

Had to laugh G1
My T talks about working with me using the feral cat metaphor ALL the time! Then talks about her boys (cats) riding around on her shoulders.
My little feral just came up and laid across my mouse... her ears must be ringing.

[SoupDragon]

So was I too trusting in the first place?

As I have been let down by people am I forever damaged goods and need people to understand that I need to build trust bit by bit?

Is trust linked with personal boundaries? How do you know where to set them?

So many questions....

[Gently1]

It is a very sad place to be when someone breaks your trust.
Broken trust is not just for those of us that are damaged.

As long as you know you need to build trust little by little, you can control some of what happens around you. We never can control other people.

With the diagnosis of depression, I had to eliminate or reduce contact with some dear people in my life as I can only trust them to say 'get over it'.
I did say to my Dad, "get over your cancer". He did get the message.
So I when I am ready to work on relationships I hope to invite him and others back into my life.

boundaries- are you seeing a Therapist? Even though my foster feral cat's each teach me something new about myself and trust, it was commiting to a therapeutic process ( group therapy) that made trust something that included people.

One thing to consider that I just found out was as much as it feels safe for me to shut out the world, we are wired to be social animals, to be human to have the ablity to feel connected. From link below.

If you have not seen this 20 min talk with speaker Brene Brown -

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown...erability.html

G1

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Gently1

It is a very sad place to be when someone breaks your trust.
Broken trust is not just for those of us that are damaged.

As long as you know you need to build trust little by little, you can control some of what happens around you. We never can control other people.

With the diagnosis of depression, I had to eliminate or reduce contact with some dear people in my life as I can only trust them to say 'get over it'.
I did say to my Dad, "get over your cancer". He did get the message.
So I when I am ready to work on relationships I hope to invite him and others back into my life.

boundaries- are you seeing a Therapist? Even though my foster feral cat's each teach me something new about myself and trust, it was commiting to a therapeutic process ( group therapy) that made trust something that included people.

One thing to consider that I just found out was as much as it feels safe for me to shut out the world, we are wired to be social animals, to be human to have the ablity to feel connected. From link below.

If you have not seen this 20 min talk with speaker Brene Brown -

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown...erability.html

G1

Thank-you for this link - I have just watched it and lots of thought provoking stuff. I have been contemplating group therapy as a next stage for me and some practise with others. Thanks again SD.