Awareness

Heya Hankster, ty for your reply!

You're definitely right when you say that it doesn't feel cold. It just feels factual to me.. sort of like being a "realist" or something. Emotions were not acceptable in my family - my dad only expressed one emotion ever and it was anger. I never saw him happy, sad, anxious, or anything like that. I don't even know if he has the capacity to feel emotion to any great depth to be honest. And my mum was not allowed to overtly express any emotion things, other wise he would tell her to "knock it off" and act like she was neurotic or something. She was not allowed to because my dad is extreeeemely authoritarian and he has her "under the thumb". It is pretty disturbing to witness those two and their weird power relationship - last time I spoke to them, he has decided that she is not allowed to drive, have a job, or socialise. Very strange and disturbing. But yeah.. if any of us expressed anything emotional he would put us down a lot because he thought it was unnecessary drama.

I think my problem is that I hear all this great and wonderful stuff about emotions and when I try to work towards it, I come to a dead end no matter which way I try. The anhedonia is the main blocker of this process.. I have not had the capacity to enjoy anything for 19 years. And a lot of recovery things require you to do something you enjoy, or do this or that and notice how you feel. But I feel nothing when i do these things, so that is the end of that treatment.

That is why I came here really. I want to get down to the grass roots of the problem. If I could access my thought processes, I could see what exactly the issue is, and I could correct it. I'm not eligable for any more therapy sessions until next year so that is out, so I thought I could try it myself in the mean time. But even then, I will have to use up my 10 free sessions sussing out possible therapists - so if I went to 10 and found one I liked, I have to wait another whole year until I can actually go to that person. But that is 2 years I could be working on things at home.

This thread is part of the "working on it in the mean time" strategy I have implemented.

Well, KazzaX, since you're needing self-study, I do have a couple of book recommendations off the top of my head that may help a bit.

"The Power of Focusing; A Practical Guide to Emotional Self-Healing" by Ann Weiser Cornell, Ph.D. On the book jacket is written, "Focusing is a gentle yet powerful skill that lets you tap into your body's wisdom and make positive changes in your life. This book shows readers how they can train themselves to learn this vital technique of self-exploration and self-discovery."

I am still trying to learn this method and it is body-focused. I can now accept such an approach because I've studied enough the past few months about body/mind connection. A few months ago I would have poo-pooed the notion.

Another book, which takes a bit of a different approach (both can be used) is "Buddha's Brain; The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom". The authors are neuroscientists who are also meditators. They begin the book explaining the neuroplasticity of the brain and then continue with insightful suggestions on how to change our brains.

Since I've read about 50-60 books since I began therapy in December, I'm sure I'll think of some others that might be useful for you.

KazzaX, thank you for your thoughtful and informative response (geez, a therapy computer program would sound warmer). Well, my therapist sometimes calls me Dr Hankster, so let me say or ask a few more things?

1. If at all possible financially, don't let the insurance company dictate your care. You CAN get more visits, you just have to pay for them. You don't say if you are on any meds. When I was feeling similarly stuck (literally could not take a step without crying) I was prescribed Xanax. I had no awareness before this of how anxious I was. If you can afford two visits or so to a psychiatrist (2nd to renew the prescription) this might help you function better in daily life. I was living with my mother six years ago and she would tell me to get in the shower, I smelled like a goat. I would just laugh. Happy memories - not. Your GP might prescribe this, or be able to refer you to a low-cost clinic.

2. I hate those stupid lists, too. Take a bubble bath? Tub is too crusty. Light a scented candle? Burn the place down. On the rare occasion I did accomplish something, my T would ask, "Don't you feel good?" I would yell, NO IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD! IT'S DANGEROUS! My mother smacked me upside the head everytime I felt good about myself, proud - she didn't want me to "get a big head". That sounds like what your dad is doing to your mom now, so it could be a lifetime pattern. We internalize it as the negative introject, you know, the devil on one shoulder, only more subtle. I was self-sabotaging so badly, I was taking one step forward, two steps back (at least!). I couldn't keep going backwards; I decided staying absolutely still would be my only chance of making progress, which sounds like where you are now. Logical, right? Great minds do think alike!

3. The Misuse of Persons by Stanley J Coen. Best book on psychotherapy I've ever read, and I got a million of 'em, almost not kidding. Not many available on amazon, maybe at libraries. other books by same author, not as good.

Well, K, even if you didn't read anything here that connected (hey, I haven't had my coffee yet), I hope you will keep writing in and reading here. There are so many valuable resources (I think they refer to themselves as "humans") on this site. I spent this past heat wave (too hot to go outside) reading "archives" on my current issues and it did help, getting a kaleidoscopic perspective. Take care. We are all concerned about you (I love how one can use the "royal we" on this website and no one ever questions it).

"The Power of Focusing; A Practical Guide to Emotional Self-Healing" by Ann Weiser Cornell, Ph.D. On the book jacket is written, "Focusing is a gentle yet powerful skill that lets you tap into your body's wisdom and make positive changes in your life. This book shows readers how they can train themselves to learn this vital technique of self-exploration and self-discovery."[/quote]

Thanks for your reply,

I will look that book up - that sounds pretty interesting. It sounds pretty close to the question I was asking too.. very nice.

Thanks

What an honest and open person you are KazzaX. I believe there is a 'time for every purpose' and if you can't get to the bottom of something it may be because it is not yet time to go there. I can't help but get the feeling that you feel unworthy to have any emotions, that's what you grew up with. It's crazy that you only get 10 sessions per year - that's why these types of forums are so needed - keep posting and sharing - everyone here is on your side.

Hiya Hankster, ty for your reply,

I know what you mean about taking one step forward and lots of steps backwards! Except I haven't taken a step forward in years but I remember how frustrating that was! And yeah it was quite logical what you said, you are probably right. I will check out the book you mentioned.

Thanks

PS: Yeah I have been on all the medications on the market, and combinations thereof. No luck there - that's why I'm trying the therapy route. One psychiatrist in the psych ward said to me once "if you have a thorn in your foot, then medication won't help - you have to take out the thorn" and I expect that is why meds don't work for me at all. I just wish I knew what/where/how/why/etc the thorn is!

Thanks for your reply porcupine2.

You could be right. Well I hope that time is soon because it is loooong overdue! I hope they are going to make me the Queen of some huge empire in a future life (if there is one), for all the suffering that I have had to do! lol

I don't feel I'm unworthy of emotions really. I have lots of emotions, they are just all negative due to my lifelong depression. I do believe they are a bit redundant though - I mean if you can totally change them simply by thinking a certain thing, then they can't be of much substance really! But I do understand intellectually why we have them and whatnot. I sort of don't believe that they would be required in order to live a decent life. Happy yes, I can understand that, but we could do without the other emotions. But I can't pick and choose!

I was reading that article about the doctor who does the Focusing. That would be really good and makes sense. But to do that you need the awareness that I lack.. arrghh! I got my hopes up there too, boo.

It really seems like you need the awareness to do anything! Anything related to recovery I mean. Does anyone out there know how to acquire the awareness??

Is there no such thing as this awareness I'm talking about? But I see it in every single post on this site that I read - everyone has it! So I can't be talking about something that doesn't exist. Confusing. I have the feeling that I am going on about nothing.

Is the awareness required? Maybe I don't even need to worry about my thought processes. Maybe they don't even matter. Is it that I should just avoid triggers and then if one accidentally goes off, just manage my reaction as I have already been doing (ie. isolating myself)? Harm minimisation I think they call it.

I'm getting the feeling that the reason you guys don't know the answer to my question is because it is not something that even matters, in the grand scheme of things, and you guys are just too nice to say it straight up. I mean if everyone has this thing that i lack, but nobody can tell me how they initially got it - then it mustn't be very important.

Should I change my focus to something else maybe? I don't have a clue.

Acquired. Slowly.

Just keep reading and posting here. Maybe some awareness will rub off on you!

The point is to learn how to do the focus by practicing. It's a skill like any other. The thing about this technique is that they give you exercises to practice. I find it very tough to do and have been frustrated that I also 'can't' do it but I also realize that one cannot just hear about something and then be able to achieve it.

The last time you studied French, or playing the piano, or learning how to knit, did you say, "Oh, I don't know how to do that - so I won't even bother."? We would say that's ridiculous. You must study and then eventually you'll know how to do it.

So, I keep trying the focusing exercises and I know it will help me more and more if I don't give up.

Awareness of what? I'm completely oblivious, and I get along JUST FINE. We could be shower buddies - I'll take one if you will (some days I wish I WERE kidding)

Weren't those the days of 'blissful' ignorance? Oh yeah, until our nasty parts kicked us in the butt.

Hahaha that would be great because I can't shower myself. Anything to kick start that process is good, lol.

This "awareness" is something you already have - just posting that you are aware of the awareness issues says volumes! When you are feeling depressed are you conscious of it? Do you say to yourself 'dang, here we go again, another crappy day'? You've recognized the feeling and that's half the battle - cuz you are aware of it! So simple yet we make it so complicated....

I clicked onto the lady's homepage and they had a bunch of articles there, being a bit more specific in the stuff she is talking about. There are many examples of it in action too, which were good to read.

But basically you have to be aware of "there is a part of me that is angry" etc etc, and you have to be aware of what one part is saying to the other part. Then there is a whole conversation that goes on between the parts. You have to be aware of these conversations, and you have to be able to talk to them. And then it leads onto imagery where you see symbols etc. But without the awareness of the parts she is talking about, nothing happens. That's what i mean.

There is a lotttt of usage of the skill of awareness in there, and I will definitely keep it in mind if I ever find anyone who can tell me where to get the awareness from! Definitely a good resource.

Don't understand - do you need to get home health services in to assist you? I had assumed it was a psychological bl0ck (like mine), not a physical issue. Sorry. Anything we can do to help? (either way)? T Session, be back later.

Nono, maybe I didn't describe myself correctly. I can feel and I am aware of my feelings. That is the easy part!

The bit I am lacking is the bit BEHIND the feelings. The bit where you link it to meanings in your mind, and where you link it to a source.

Ill give the example again: I abuse animals if I have a pet. I know from previous experience that if I own a pet, I WILL damage it. I don't know why, because its totally out of character for me. I don't know what leads up to this behaviour of damaging pets, I don't know what I get out of it, I don't know the source, I don't know anything. All I know is, the trigger (buy a pet) and the outcome (I abuse the pet). It happens 100% of the time.

What happens between these two things is a mystery. That is the awareness I want. In this example, I would like to know WHY (the hell!) would I do that to an innocent animal that did nothing wrong at all. I get no good feelings out of it, so that makes it even more confusing. I can't link it to anything whatsoever, I don't get anything out of it, there is no reward for me and there is definitely no reward for the pet. It is a pointless exercise yet every single time I become the owner of a pet, it happens.

The pet thing is not the only one. There are a plethora of things that this lack of awareness have affected in my life, to the extent that I cannot work, I cannot shower, I cannot wash my clothes, and I am basically in my house doing nothing, 24 hours a day. These aren't violent things like the pet thing though, thank god.

I'm not just asking this out of curiosity or just for fun. I'm asking this out of desperation. I have had chronic, progressive depression my whole life and no treatment (medication, therapy, other) has had any effect on it whatsoever. It is a steady systematic decline. If I could find an answer to this question, then maybe it might help even a little bit.

No it is not a physical problem. It's just really, really severe depression. Although I do have the physical things going on that are secondary to not moving around much and not leaving the house for weeks on end.

Please don't tell me to go out and do things because I'm lazy. I know I'm not.

Hi guys,

The inspiration is gone and I am no longer interested in this issue.

Can you please delete this thread? Or do I delete it from within my profile or something? Not sure how it works.

Thanks

Yo, then I really do recommend you getting the coen book, the misuse of persons. I would quote you something from it but my place is a high holy mess. I am not exactly a hoarder as much as a non-doer as yourself, and things do stack up. the cue is in the title, how and why we MISUSE, as you misuse pets, how we were misused as children, how we misuse relationships. well now I might just be making it up. but I hope you will keep in touch. my family calls me lazy, but they also say I "never" worked, while I was a computer programmer for 30 years. also try dw winnicott, my t's fave, on true self and false self. best regards.

Blah I have looked through my profile and I can't find a bit that deletes whole threads. Can a mod do it please? If not maybe I could just delete all the text and replies (if I can do that, that is).

hi kazza. your predicament sounds frustrating and i can tell you do want to move forward. my situation was a bit similar in that i used to have major depression and couldn't really function but i didn't really understand why. neither therapy nor meds helped me either. a friend happened to mention that her boyfriend, who was not from an alcoholic family, had been in adult children of alcoholics and it helped him tremendously. i thought that was interesting and i checked it out and it was the thing that unlocked things for me. really, it is just for anyone from a dysfunctional family background and it is based on family systems therapy.

one of the things i found so helpful about it was hearing other people share their stories and insights. while every one's story is unique there are definite similarities and i'd have these aha moments when other people would share because i'd recognize my own situation in their descriptions. it's just a suggestion and because it's basically free i thought it might be something worth trying. you can check out their website. (oops, sorry i can't post links right now.) check out the "laundry list". you may not relate to everything listed but only some or most of them. if it is something you decide to check out be sure to try a few different meetings as some are better than others or might just not be for you. they usually recommend to try 6 meetings before making up your mind.

whatever you decide to try i think you just have to practice. you may be quite perfectionistic and not be giving yourself the space to make mistakes and just explore. where pachyderm is suggesting free association (like brainstorming) you just have to throw out a bunch of ideas, possibilities, guesses, etc and try them on and then see if they fit. sometimes you have to wear the idea for a bit before concluding if it fits or not. kind of like a new haircut or shirt. at first it is so foreign and you hate it but then you get used to it and actually come to like it. as you try out ideas you will eventually get a sense of what fits and what doesn't. i think you may just need to sit with them for a bit. i do think it might be helpful to see others do it so you can learn from their process.

K - you can use the "report" or double exclamation marks or however it shows up at the bottom of each entry next to the reply - maybe its the advanced button? - to send a message to the moderator and / or administrator to delete you. I have mobile view, maybe someone else can provide a better answer. best wishes.

What you have written is very insightful. I think you just need help finding that connection with X. Have you considered depth therapy?
Depth therapy helps to bring those unconscious connections to the conscious so we can understand them, and ourself.

Psychoanalytic or psychodynamic psychoanalytic therapies are depth therapy approaches.

http://www.apa.org/news/press/releas...c-therapy.aspx

http://www.dcpsychotherapy.com/psychoanalysis.html

A moderator have to do all of this. You can't delete other people stuff on your own.

But, forgive me for the question, is the thread making you really uncomfortable (then I understand your request), or is it truly the fact that you just losed interest? If it is just that, I don't think there is a reason to delete it. It will just go down itself sooner or later.