[zooropa]

I saw her yesterday, after almost 2 weeks. The last time I saw her before she left was kind of weird. Not bad, but it felt weird. Then the break, then when I saw her it again felt weird. Both times, I ran out of things to say and just sat there. I guess when we don't have a concrete direction or something we're focusing on, it just turns into me going in and telling her about my week and that gets old fast.

I'm just wondering if this is how things are now between us. I'm wondering if I will ever feel close to T again, and wondering if I even want to. I miss her in some ways, but I don't miss the intense emotional storms that my relationship with her seemed to stir up so many times.

It is weird to miss someone when they are sitting in the room with you, but that's how I feel. Maybe it'll change, maybe not. I see her again next week and then she's going out of town again for a week, so I'm not going to try too hard to dig deeper in therapy until that's over with.

I also want to say this here, because I can't say it anywhere else: I haven't called or texted (or emailed) T in a couple of weeks. I am really trying hard to keep up with that and not get back into contacting her outside of session. And that makes me miss her, too, but it also feels like relief.

It all makes me realize how hugely complicated and tangled up my feelings about T are. It feels good to just sort of let the whole mess drop, to close myself off a little, to not feel that burning pain all the time.

[skysblue]

Have you thought of telling her those feelings? Even though I fight it and it's hugely embarrassing I find myself sharing with my T my feelings about our relationship.

Maybe you've instinctually put up some self-protective barriers that you're not even consciously aware of. I also understand not wanting to contact between session. That's what I'm experiencing now - and T knows that it's happening and we're discussing it.

Yeah, retreating sometimes seems like the only option. My T mentioned to me last week that that is o.k. to do. That sometimes we just need to pull back and take a deep breath. She was referring to my own retreat from her. The 'dance' between us is very much observed and talked about which makes it nice because I can more easily tell her my feelings.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I think it might be really healing for you if you could talk to your T about your relationship with her. I started to do that with my T and I told her what a relief it was to be able to do that because I could never do that with my father. Your T sounds like she would be open to this.

[Sannah]

This sounds good to me Zoo. This sounds like something that you need to experience at this point in time in order to be able to continue to keep moving forward.

[dizgirl2011]

HEy Zoo!!

It's great to see you back on here!

Also you have done soo well not to contact her inbetween sessions - I know how incredibly hard that can be!

I think its really sad that you say you miss her even when you are in the same room with her and I can understand have all the problems you have had in therapy with her over the past few months that you probably don't even want to say this to her.

Have you had any more thoughts on finding another therapist?

Really pleased to see you posting again!xxxx