I need to vent (long)

Okay so I need to get this out because my anxiety/frustration and sadness is out of control right now and I'm driving my family crazy with talking about...
So I have been seeing my T for like 8 sessions-during the summer we didn't really have a set time-which was okay...but now that we are moving into the school year for both of us (he has a private practice and a job on a campus) we don't have a set time and it just send my fear of abandonment into overdrive-I worry so much that he won't be able to fit me in-or even want to fit me in because I'm such a pain in the butt about emailing him (sometimes I say I don't want to do a session and then I change my mind)...he tried to tell me that if he were to leave me now it would be neglectful on his part-which made me feel like he would leave me but it wouldn't be right he takes forever to get back to me-and I'm currently waiting to hear from him now-which I thought i would last night-but I didnt and I had an anxiety attack...I haven't told him how much the not having a set time in place bothers me-so I guess I need to do that...but on top of all this I feel like I want to run from this so much-maybe its not worth it-I can do it on my own-and before he has a chance to leave-and it would probably be a relief for him anyways since he is so busy...but in session it's amazing and I don't want to give that up...the little girl in me is screaming don't leave...we need this...gah
Okay sorry this is sooo long-i just needed to get this out there before I explode

My T is always keen for us to keep the session at the same day / time and T says it can be unsettling to vary this - so it is strange that your T seems happy to leave it this open - I can imagine how that may increase your anxiety - does your T know how you feel about this?

Yes I too always have my running away shoes on - in many ways I wish I had got this sorted years ago, so despite my wanting to escape it, I am trying really hard to stick with it - I do believe it can work and help us find a better way of being - also I am reading a book at the moment that suggests for many people their problems lie in interpersonal relationships, so to solve that we need someone else, otherwise it would be like learning to drive a car without a car - we may understand the theory but not know how to put it into practice. I get that little girl bit too - me and mine are not getting along right now.

If your T can't get you a regular slot, is it possible for you to explore getting another T who can?

This all sounds good ie appropriate to the situation to me. How many times have I said, I can do it from here by myself? There should be a special name for this delusion, after me would be nice...

Don't take what he said about his leaving being neglectful, the wrong way. It's more like he's saying, he's in the middle of a heart transplant, he's taken yours out, he can't just stop now! Or if your manicurist stopped after one coat of color and told you to finish the job yourself. Okay, two ridiculous examples, but all three probably take more pride in the results of their work than the customer realizes (speaking as the manicurist!).

Good luck in the new school year.

Well it is very much in a transitional state right now with school starting I guess...I think once it starts up we are going to have to have a set time (I don't think he knows yet what 2 evenings he will have open) so while I understand he is trying to work on this...he has no idea how much anxiety this is causing me...I need to bring it up to him next session (whenever the heck that will be...) I think I should also talk to him more about my wanting to run...my absolute fear is that I will make an impulsive decision to say "I don't want to do this anymore" and he won't contact me afterwards...and just let it be...it is after all my decision...I don't know Im just confused right now....I know that I don't want to leave him (I knew him before we started sessions) and I know that if I quit this I won't look for anyone else
Maybe I should unlace my running shoes at least...give it a shot and trust him when he says he won't leave and that this will be worth it...thank you so much for responding

Aww I like those examples...and you know I would be delusional to think I could finish up my heart transplant myself or even do my nails in a nice way lol : )
I'm going to hang in there and stick it out...thank you for responding