[Salmacis]

I told my T a few weeks ago & she didn't understand:

The problem with life is not that I never get what I want. The problem with my life is that what I want is never what I thought it would be...

I live in a perpetual state of disappointment! I don't expect more from anyone than what I'm willing to give of myself. Why do I always wind up with the short stick? Meh.

Someone told me he'll call last night. He didn't. But, he told me he'd trust me with his life. He told me he loved me like he'd never loved any other. A phone call? Can't take the time, I guess.

Received a phone call I didn't want though. A band mate called & told me he might be moving to Kansas City for a promotion. $50/K a year he says. Nothing official yet, but if it's offered, he'll take it. What a hypocrite!!! He said "money doesn't matter, it's all about the music" and he's "here for the long run." Can't trust anyone!!!

Sometimes, I don't know why I bother. I never much liked staying in one place very long anyhow. But, I've run out of places to run to.

End of the line. I just... don't care anymore... about anyone or anything. There's no point. ***** it all!!!!

I know there's something wrong with me... why can't my f'cking T just TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IT IS?!?!?!?!?!?

[geez]

(((Salmacis))) Sorry you are in this spiral of 'disappointment'. I know this sounds corny but I believe the energy I send out comes back to me in this universe. I was in 'survivor' mode for most of my life and until I got out of that mindset I wasn't truly living (I was just accepting what I was given instead of going out and getting what I need). I feel like I'm really living now for the first time and I'm surrounded by positive people with positive energy. It took me a while to get where I am but it can happen.

I'm now on a path that I never thought I would be on. I've put myself out there and have kept my mind open to possibilities. I now have a new dream/positive direction and it all started with just one small step in a positive direction. One step has built into many steps and my life looks promising and I have hopes and dreams that I never imagined.

Wishing you comfort on your journey.

[Salmacis]

Thanks, Geez! You might be right about "survival mode." I think I've been there a long time! Goals would be so much easier if I knew what I wanted in life. Right now, peace is all I want...

[ECHOES]

why can't my f'cking T just TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IT IS?!?

Because you wouldn't accept it.
Of course, you can always ask your T why she doesn't.

You will discover this together, though, by digging deeper and understanding where the disappointment and fears come from.

[Salmacis]

Thanks, Echoes - I'm sure you're probably right. Unfortunately, I've never been a very patient person & T says I should remain in therapy for "a long time." I just wish that digging deeper didn't produce more questions than answers, but I imagine that's just part of the process.