Fallout...

Sorry I haven't been around to support others lately. Been going through a rough time. But I wanted to share about my issue - and how T helped me.

I wrote last week about the issue with my friend and that I finally confronted her. I went beyond that and sent her a detailed email telling her how I value our friendship, all the things I enjoy with her, etc. - but also telling her how because our friendship is so valuable, I felt it was important for me to share what I was feeling.

I told her all the things I feel as a result of her behavior - minimized, dismissed, attacked, tense, stressed. I was gentle, yet firm, that I needed to feel heard and understood, that I didn't want her to get defensive, that I need to feel like an equal in our friendship, etc.

Afterwards, things really went downhill. She didn't address my email. She's being deliberately more attentive and caring to others in front of me, while basically ignoring me. She then subtly accused me of stealing from her. And then, at one point, asked me where my T was located, as she thinks she needs to talk to somebody. (Yet, this is the same person that told me that I live 'too much in therapy' and goes against anything I share about therapy...and her BROTHER is a therapist, and she talks to him about me - and then reports back to me about how all this therapy is hurting me, not helping me.)

I talked to T....and I know he was so pleased that I am standing up for myself, regardless of the outcome of the relationship...and helped me see that my friend is acting this way out of retaliation. She's trying to punish me for breaking her unspoken rule of how the relationship is to be. And she's trying to get me to see what I'm missing as a result. It's pure manipulation.

My T told me that addressing conflict in a relationship can either bring people together, or pull them apart. It's the relationships that grow and strengthen as a result of resolving healthy conflict that are keepers, and the rest are just a side show.

I also asked him about her attempt to want to see him. I told him how uncomfortable I am with that idea. He said that if she called him, he would refer her to someone outside of the practice. He said that there are plenty of therapists around and there's no reason why she would need to see him. He suspects it's more about crossing my boundaries and information gathering, and he will not accept her as a client.

As a result of all of this, I know I should be very pleased with myself. T said that any time that we not let fear stand in the way of doing what's healthy, it makes me stronger. And since fear has been so prevalent in my life - not with physical pain but emotional pain - this is a big accomplishment for me.

By the end of the session, I was in tears, because it helped me realize how unhealthy my relationships are - and how, without them, I am so utterly alone.

It sounds like you are outgrowing old, damaging relationships. Growth hurts, no doubt, but we can find peace in the fact that every brick you remove from the foundation of an unhealthy relationship, you are placing in the foundation of your new self. With these boundaries you are strengthening your own house, and you are making room for the future relationships that will make your house a home. The work is laborious... we sweat, we develop callouses, sometimes we bleed, sometimes we cry... but every movement done in the name of this work brings us closer to our true selves. Though it may seem so, you are not truly alone... you are just preparing for the arrival of your true friends.

MUE - I am going through something similar. As I begin to know myself better and am creating new boundaries, my friend is also reacting poorly. She's saying things like, "I've put up with your self-inquiry. You're so self-absorbed. I don't know if I'm liking the new Skysblue." But, with my T's help, I am able to feel more and more confident of setting those boundaries and if my friend cannot accommodate them, then she's not a friend for me. But, there would still be grief at the loss and I'm sure you're feeling that too at the moment.

So true that growth hurts....I am hoping that all of this will lead to something more rewarding for me. For now, it just painful. SO painful. Divorce, possible job loss, losing friends...all because I'm "growing" and standing up for myself. It leaves me feeling so lost. I am hopeful that one of these stages will bring some good into my life, instead of only getting rid of the bad.

Oh yes, I am feeling that grief. I am holding onto the hope that things will improve with my friend, that she joins me in the opportunity to have a healthy friendship. It's unlikely though. My T says she is so damaged...and knowing that makes it so sad for me.

MUE - what I'm gaining is more awareness of my own needs and my own wants. You say that you're experiencing only loss right now and that's true. But you will get in touch with your true Self and will find ways to nurture and nourish that part of yourself. That is what is happening to me. I'm slowly getting less worried about pleasing others when that has been detrimental to my own mental health. These past few months have held amazing transformation for me and I am doing things that I would never have thought of in years past. For me, it has been the result of therapy.

I wish you luck and I believe that things will only turn out well for you in the end.

Thanks, skysblue. I hope that will be true for me as well. I, too, have delved into things that I never thought I would, as a result of my transformation through therapy. Unfortunately, the things I've become interested in are things that haven't panned out well due to scheduling conflicts and being a single, working mom. It's hard to figure out ways to expand your horizons when you have so many obligations. I'm working on it though. (( HUGS ))

((((((MUE)))))))) I know there are all the sad and lonely feelings going on as well ; but ... ARE you pleased with yourself? I think you did a wonderful job, with your friend and also with working through it with your T

(((((((((((MUE))))))))))))))

I am in such a similar situation with my former best friend. She was always nice to me, but SO judgmental/mean about/to others, and when I finally stood up for someone, she dumped me in a BIG way. And did just what your "friend" is doing...made it REALLY obvious in front of me how bonded she is with other people, how many inside jokes they have, how much fun I'm missing. Ack.

I go through moments of acceptance, like TOTAL acceptance, and then moments of panic. She actually didn't talk to me at ALL for a while, but just responded to something I posted on FB, so maybe she'll at least be cordial. We're both homeschoolers with basically the same circle of friends, so it's inevitable that we'll be together a lot.

I *knew* somewhere deep inside for a while that it wasn't a healthy friendship for me...but it's so hard to let something like that go, because there are always good times too, you know? I finally realized that there *are* nice people around me, and I started reaching out more to them...and slowly, but surely, these NICE people are the people I'm spending more and more time with. And there's no drama...just honesty and laughter and support...and it's really nice. I'm not tense all the time waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My T told me early in therapy that as I changed, things would change around me. Sometimes it's scary and painful, but I try to hang onto the hope that I'm making space for something better.

You did the right thing, MUE. Breathe, and know that YOU are okay.

Great work MUE!! Doing this work in our relationships of today is such an excellent investment. You will get a better life as you shed the unhealthy!