Hugs in therapy and outside

I agree, Marie. Touch is hard for me in "real life" too. Holding my T's hand is something I never thought I could do, and I never thought it would feel so good. It does feel healing.

Hugging never came naturally to me, but now I have a few friends I hug. I always hugged my kids; that's different.

My T was the one who initiated hugging, not me.

tigergirl, it feels awkward to be so close to my T even though it's what I crave! I was self-conscious last session because I felt her body--she's thin, and taller than I am. When I put my arms around her, I felt the back of her bra. I hope I can write that here. I don't want to feel through her clothes. Also, my d had an ed for awhile, and is still thin. Hugging her doesn't feel good either.

So much for not posting about my session but I need help for tomorrow's session. I usually tell her everything, but this seems too much. Please help!

Rainbow - I so feel for your dilemma. I have no words of wisdom to offer you. I'm not faced with hugging my T nor do I have the desire so that issue does not appear in our relationship.

Is it that you want her to stop hugging you? Maybe you could tell her that but not get into the details.

skysblue, thanks for your response. No, I don't want to stop hugging her. I want to discuss with her what I posted. She doesn't insist we hug and it's not every session. I think what is important is for me to work through my issues about touch.

Is this a fear of intimacy Rainbow?

Probably, Sannah. But I don't see why I'm allowed to be "intimate" with my T. Maybe it's more modesty than fear of intimacy. Or both. I know I'm old-fashioned, but is it really okay to touch people other than close friends and relatives? I never used to hug relatives either.

Intimacy--that's a scary word. I'm emotionally intimate with my T, and I'm comfortable holding her hand. But hugs seem too intimate and I don't want them to be.

R8, you asked about size before. I have a friend who I wonder if she has an eating disorder, although she eats more than I do when we eat together. But she is very very thin, and it feels like something is going to break when I hug her. I think I tend to initiate the hugs because of where we met (anon). I have other small, thin friends I have hugged, no one else ever felt that fragile and frankly scary or maybe startling is a better word. Like you're afraid you're going to hurt them. But it wasn't icky.

It IS icky hugging my mother. That not so outrageous but somehow always in-your-face(!) cleavage - I think her own shame, embarrassment and discomfort with her body rubs off on me. Or she thinks I'm gay and thinks it's weird to hug a girl under those circumstances, I don't know, and she would never tell me. She would discuss it with my brother, though, and assume that I knew what they had discussed. Crazy-making!

So now T & I have conscious hugs and unconscious hugs. Sometimes I'm paying attention, sometimes I'm not. Is that weird?

hankster, I think I know what you mean about conscious and unconscious hugs. When I'm not thinking about it, the hug is good. But when I pay attention to the fact it's her body I get scared and start to feel "icky".

R8 - I so related to what 3rdTimes said yesterday, and I think it also ties in here. T & I have been discussing expectations. Like I just said about mom, unknown expectations. Same with the rest of my family, nuclear and extended. There was always a subtext of which I was unaware. I always felt like everybody knew what was going on but me.

So this plays out in T, too. The more we discuss the expectations we have of each other, and the more I talk about my historical expectations, the more conscious the hugs are, and I like those better.

My problem is with not feeling or enjoying my body at all. I look at my belly now and I'm like, where the heck did this come from, what the heck is this? Who thought THIS was a good idea?

It is really okay to hug your T. And to hug other people. We all need comfort, we all need safe touches.

I find it odd that I let massage T touch me everywhere appropriate and some grey areas... and am totally comfortable. However, when she puts my hand on her or I accidentally touch her or she pulls me into her... OMG I am totally grossed out and feel SO nasty dirty touching her. She isn't my type so it isn't sexual and she hasn't put my hand anywhere inappropriate... she just seems to have no need for personal space and when she lets me in close or brings me in close I feel SO nasty! So I sorta get it, only backwards! Oh, and we hug and I am OK with that.

I went into my session yesterday struggling with depression and finally just said to my T, "I really need a hug" - while she was holding me she said, "You know, it's okay to be human." I agree with SarahMichelle - we all need comfort.

I know I need comfort, but what if the closeness scares me?

If the closeness scares you then it's grist for the mill in therapy. I highly recommend you bring it up in therapy and look at it closely with your T.

Chiming in late here;
i think there are some days i would like a hug from t, but i don't know how he feels about it
i think he will hold your hand, there have been times when i am giving him his money and he will "deliberately" reach with his fingers and touch my hand. this first time he did it, was strange, i thought a fluke... then he did it again. .. didn't like it at all....
now i just kinda toss him him money and hope that he catches it.

as for hugs, i am tall and t is short. i would feel like his face is right at my chest, or lack there of, and he would feel uncomfortable and i wouldnt be enjoying it or even taking it in if i felt awkward... does this make sense???

vaffla, yes I'm going to do that though I think it will be harder to talk about than most sujects I'm brought up, and I've talked about some pretty intimate things!

Yes, jbmom, if it feels awkward you wouldn't be taking it in. I think that's my problem. I WANT to take it in but I have these inhibitions that are cropping up.....

It took awhile to feel good about holding T's hand but that was easier; it's just one hand! Suddenly the hug feels TOO close because of touching her. I can look in her eyes and feel close now. I can have her sit next to me. It's this physical stuff--ick. I'm sort of glad this came up after the hug last time because it ties in with feeling icky about physical stuff in general. Oh, ick--just to write this is making me feel so embarrassed!

Does all physical stuff make you feel icky?

Not when it just involves me.

Where's the icon of the little dude who pounds his hands on the floor, ROTFL?

Anne

Do you think this has to do with how your fantasize your relationships? When you can physically feel the other person it interferes with your fantasy?

No, I think it has to do with being inhibited and shy, probably a lot to do with genetics and my family.

It's okay with me that you found what I posted funny, Anne, but it really wasn't meant to be. What did you think I meant? I'm really curious. It wasn't about sex if that's what you thought. It was more of a general explanation of how I feel when I'm with other people.

But why would you feel icky about it?

i must admit i lol'ed too...what did you mean by the statement? i thought it was comic relief the way it was phrased.

Well, it wasn't NOT about sex! This line of questioning, Sannah, is getting out of my comfort zone. But I'll try to answer again. I said because of my genes and because of my upbringing I guess. We weren't a touchy feeley family. I didn't like growing up. Physical stuff is just icky. Touching someone is icky, except for holding hands. Maybe it has to do with my brother, I don't know.

Please don't answer anymore if you are uncomfortable Rainbow, just think about it for yourself. For myself I would tense up if anyone got close and I came to understand that this was about boundaries for me and my lack of being able to protect myself because I never learned that I could enforce boundaries.