Hugs in therapy and outside

Rainbow, I apologize for misreading you and making assumptions. I did think exactly like crazycanbegood, that it was comic relief.

Anne

I had a similar upbringing in the sense there was very little "good" physical contact and I'm the same about hugging people *vomits* My personal space radius is about 5 metres

And I most certainly would not hug my pdoc. Ever. In fact the only time I even thought about it was when I began reading some threads here at PC and began to wonder WTF was wrong with me because it seemed like I was in the minority regarding not wanting to hug her.

Eeewwww!

I find it interesting that you feel comfortable holding your T's hand but you don't feel comfortable hugging her. It's interesting to me because feel the opposite way. Or, rather, the boundaries we have are the opposite. T hugs me every session, but she's never held my hand or put a hand on my shoulder, or anything like that. I've never asked her if she would hold my hand, but if I did ask, I think it would make her uncomfortbale-- or at least she would wonder why I'd want to hold her hand. For me, holding someone's hand feels more intimate than hugging. I hug a lot of people but there are few people I hold hands with. Maybe it's because I think, with holding hands, there is more potential for it to be read as a romantic gesture (even when it's not meant that way)? However, there have been times I've wanted to hold Ts hand. I feel that way sometimes when I'm in "child" mode or when I feel sad, and I want to be comforted by T. But I feel like actually asking her to hold my hand would be "weird." I think it would make her uncomfortable. But maybe I will bring up the general topic of touch/hugs/hand-holding in therapy. It's something I've thought a lot about since reading about it on these boards.

scorpiosis, I used to think holding hands was only for romantic purposes too, though I fantasized about Ts holding me and also holding my hand. When my current T and I were talking about what the child needs, early in therapy, and my eyes were closed, I said something about holding my hand, very tentatively. My T asked if the child part wanted her to do that, and I hesitated for a VERY long time. Finally I nodded, I think. So my T came over sat besides me and took my hand. I felt so safe and comforted. It didn't feel romantic/sexual at all. It just felt nice. That's how holding her hand started. Whenever I told my T it was weird, she said, no, it's healing, and if that's what that part needs to heal, that's what we'll do. I never forgot the first time when it felt so good. It got easier to ask her when I needed it and she keeps saying she won't take it away from me though I know she would rather I didn't need to hold her hand so much anymore.

I would give just about anything for a hug from my T right now.

I'm not really a 'hugger'... The only person I regularly (briefly) hug is my mum. Dad has hugged me maybe three times in my life - at times I've been really distressed - and it's felt like an effort. Occasionally at family get-togethers there would be the goodbye-hug-rounds - which I always felt awkward about. I hugged my boss goodbye when I quit work, as it actually felt appropriate. I occasionally hug friends after a night out if we've all been drinking

I think I would find a hug from my therapist bizarre.

We were chatting at the door one time and she casually touched me on the arm - it felt natural - like a maternal, caring gesture that she didn't even seem to realise she was doing. I don't mind touch when, like that, it feels natural or appropriate - but I don't imagine a hug would. Not at this stage anyway.

Maybe I'm just not used to a lot of caring human contact...

I grew up in a household where there was very little physical touch. I was not held or hugged as a child. Even as adults my brother and sister and I kinda do the awkward shoulder lean in. Things changed for me when I met my husband, his family is total opposite, I'm bear crushed everytime I see them. He has always been extremely physically affectionate and I think it filled a need in me I didn't know I was lacking.

As for my T, I don't know if she gives hugs, she hasn't offered and I haven't asked. I have felt at times I'd like to hug her though.

[QUOTE=scorpiosis37;1997474I hug a lot of people but there are few people I hold hands with. Maybe it's because I think, with holding hands, there is more potential for it to be read as a romantic gesture (even when it's not meant that way)? [/QUOTE]

I hold T's hand at almost every session, at the end for a few minutes, and (thankfully) it doesn't feel "romantic" at all (ack! it feels yucky to even type that). It feels safe, and connecting, and grounding.

My first physical contact with T was reaching across the room to touch his finger, and we still touch fingers when I'm really struggling with super hard things in session.

I love holding T's hand. I am really, really, SO grateful to have the experience of safe touch, with no expectations, no boundaries being crossed, no fear. It's good.

That sounds so great, Tree! It's nice to hear about how you've developed that kind of safe and grounding touch with your T through holding hands. It also sounds like exactly what I'd like with my T. Hugs with my T definitely feel safe (any touch with T would feel "safe") but her hugs just don't feel as grounding, comforting or connected as they once did. They now feel "rushed" because they're at the end of session, we're usually running late, and they're just kind of a 2 second embrace as I'm heading for the door. What I really want from T is to sit with her and, while we're discussing the "deep stuff," receive some kind of physical reassurance from her. I feel emotionally close to her, and want to feel some kind of supportive, caring, and "safe" physical closenss as well. I'd like her to sit next to me and hold my hand and say something like "everything is okay." I just don't think she'd be comfortable with holding my hand though. Whenever she has sat next to me on the couch, she's sat with a "space" between us and never come close to offering a reassuring gesture like a hand on the shoulder or anything. But after reading what you and others have said about holding hands/touch with your Ts, maybe it will give me the courage I need to talk to her about the topic in general. I think it would be good for me to simply discuss the issue of touch in therapy.

I do not enjoy casual hugs at all. I have family who hug coming and going and it is meaningless to me. Diluted, I guess.

As I was waiting in the waiting room for my T this past week, another person arrived and was waiting. I was a little nervous because the week before my T had double booked and had to tell the other person that she had mad a mistake; it all worked out fine but I did feel bad for the other patient. Before my T came to get me, the other patient's therapist came out and said her name; when she was near her therapist, the therapist lit up and said How ARE you! and gave her a big hug.

me: *pouts a little*

So, this became the opening for my session.
Back to the hug.
Which in the course of talking about it, I realized that I'm not ready for a hug. I struggle so much with the slightest bit of closeness, as much as I want it. It was good, and even relieving to me to realize that.
She said again that I seem to have the idea that a hug would *never* happen.
That's because early on she declined, saying that if she thought it would be helpful she would be she didn't think it would be. She later said that it was not a blanket "No" but a response to where I was at that time. She, of course, won't say what would be a good time or reason, or how a hug might be helpful. Good thing because that would really influence me greatly. I tried to figure it out on my own and that didn't work. lol. Then I moved away from idealizing her and the intense desire for a hug subsided.

So seeing the other therapist hug her patient brought it up again.
I was thinking about it today, enjoying a fantasy hug from my T ( ), the fantasy hug was offered by my T unexpectedly and my reaction was a teary Thank You, then a step back and a deeper heart-felt Thank You but I could say no more. I realized then that the desire for a hug right now may be that I wish I could express my gratitude verbally, but I am not able to. The 'why' of that is a whole 'nother expedition

But I know that when I can, I will treasure the words and the ability to express them.
And if a hug, while nice, might keep me from realizing this goal.
Yet the desire for the hug, and fantasizing about it, brought me to the place where I can acknowledge to myself that I want to be able to say Thank You so she hears it and so she feels it - not in a tactile way, but on an emotionally connected level.

I couldn't fall asleep last night thinking about hugs again. At my session I didn't get to ask my T if touching her, that is, hugging her, is acceptable. I know it is since we've hugged before, but for some reason I need to ask again. I need to ask her if it feels "icky" for her to hug me. I know she'll say "no" but I need to ask.

I seem to have missed the "instruction book" on hugs and touching that everyone else seems to have!

I don't want to feel self-conscious hugging her like I did 2 weeks ago. I just want to "do it" again but I keep wondering why touching people other than family is okay. If she says it's perfectly fine, that will help. I want to be able to hug her again! I'm starting to obsess about it and that's not good. I want to hug her first thing on Monday. I'll be half asleep at 9 am when I see her. Maybe that's good. I hate when I obsess about something like this.

scorpiosis, I know what you mean about wanting to hold hands with your T rather than hugging her at the end of the session. When my T sits next to me and holds my hand, it isn't rushed. I feel so good, and so safe. It's comforting. I don't ask at every session; she doesn't want me to become dependent on holding her hand. Can you ask your T if she would let you hold her hand?

tree, I am glad you can hold your T's hand and that it feels so safe and grounding. I think it's the best thing about my therapy and it feels that way for me too.