Sometimes My T Doesn't Feel Real

I know, I know - this is totally weird. But, I'm not psychotic nor delusional. I don't do drugs or alcohol but still sometimes it seems like my therapist isn't real.

I see her only 50 minutes a week in a contained space. She's always the same; she greets me in waiting room; walks me to her office; we sit in the same place; we talk for those minutes; I exit and depart until the next week.

She's not real. I can't imagine her in RL. I don't even know if I'd recognize her out on the streets. Even now, when I try to conjure up what she looks like, I have difficulty.

I think maybe that therapists are not meant to be real. I suspect their role is to just reflect us. I mean, how can she be real when I know nothing about her?
Okay, now it's officially out there in cyberspace - Skysblue doesn't know reality.

Is your T secretive about her personal life because that's the way she does therapy, or because you haven't asked her anything about her life? I would HATE it if my T weren't real to me. The more a T isn't real the more I have to try to google and look things up to find information to make her a real person to me. I don't think that "blank slate" T would work for me at all!

So, do you want her to feel more real? Can you ask her to tell you something about herself? Would it help your therapy to know more about her? It's hard to have a middle ground with knowing too much about a T or too little. Or knowing about their families. I know what my T's H does for a living because I looked it up. She didn't tell me. So I feel jealous because he makes a lot of money. Maybe it would have been better not to know.

I know my T is artistic. I like knowing that because I am also artistic. I know what sex her kids are and how old they are, which she told me. We have a bond because of my kids.

I think Ts ARE meant to be real to us, but it depends on their orientation and personality as to HOW real they want to be to us. It took awhile for me to be able to visualize any of my Ts outside of the office. It helps with this T that I have a photo of her on my computer.

As with everything you bring up, your post is something to talk with your T about! Sorry it always comes down to that, doesn't it?

I think there are some disturbing issues of control with ts who take pains to NOT ever reveal things about themselves. They have all the excuses in the world, but bottom line, I think it's an issue of an imbalance in the relationship. For me, it's a red flag when a T reveals nothing. I think you can't have it both ways: lots of Ts claim that it's the relationship that heals, but revealing nothing means the relationship will forever be stunted. So...the therapy is stunted too!

I don't know if my T is married or has children. I don't know what city she lives in. I don't know if she's from this area or not. I don't know anything about her interests in life.

I do know that she went to an Ivy League school because I saw her diploma on the wall. I do know she's Buddhist. I do know she has 20+ years doing therapy. I do know her therapeutic orientation.

It amazed and shocked me last session when she told me she had a friend visiting who had just left and how, as nice as it is to have visitors, it's also nice when they leave. This is the most she has shared with me.

But, would knowing anymore about her make her more 'real' to me? idk

Are you afraid to ask her if she's married and has kids? Do you think she won't answer you? Most Ts would offer that information or answer your questions.

What WOULD make her more real to you? Did her sharing her feelings with you help? You said you were amazed and shocked that she told you that. My first T hardly shared anything with me. I hated that, and finally asked her something about where she was going on vacation. But later I realized I wanted to know her FEELINGS about something, not her vacation plans. She told me that she has "baby feelings" too (I was struggling with letting her in about my feelings at the time) and I felt so, so much better, that she was more real to me than she had before.

Or, do you feel safer because she's NOT real to you?

IMO, if you slow down and pay really close attention, you may (or might!) notice it is nearly impossible to really agree with someone, or completely understand their point of view IRL. So what exactly is going on in therapy, on either side? That might provide a clue to your question?

I kinda see my T as a figment of my imagination. He appears and disappears in his hallway. I know some, perhaps many, facts about him, even some feelings, emotions, but I don't feel I KNOW him.

2 weeks ago, I walked right up next to him at the coffeeshop counter, but wasn't sure if it was him. I'm not used to seeing him from that angle, but I was pretty sure who it was from the unique kind of cookies he was buying. We weren't "ourselves" until we actually started the session.

I hear you... I know a lot about my T and have seen her out of the office, but sometimes she just doesn't feel real either.

I'm not even sure I want to get to 'know' my T. I know how great she is as a therapist and that's all I really need to know.

But, it's so strange that someone who is so much a part of my thoughts lately seems unreal. I see my dentist occasionally and she seems real, even though I don't see her that often. But I don't think of my dentist until it's time to make an appointment.

I think I would wonder the same thing as you Hankster if I saw my T in RL. She'd be so out of context that I might not recognize her. But then, would I have the same reaction if it were my dentist?

But, with my dentist, for example, we have conversations and with T we only talk about me. Is that why she seems unreal sometimes when I try to remember her? Her presence is only reflecting me and therefore in reality she's not real?

Anyways, a silly thread... just reflects my somewhat crazy mind.

Hm... that could be part of it, I'd guess--that you don't have real conversations. I think that would help T seem more real--like she is more than just a T, she is a real person with an actual life.
My T and I talk a lot about her life and that helps her feel more real.

Your thread sort of reminds me of little students who think I live at school and all I am is a teacher. And then on the rare occassion they see me at the grocery store (in flip flops, shorts, hair in a ponytail!!) they are just too weirded out to talk to me even though I'm always happy to see them. They usually just STARE. ha ha. They think I live at school.

You mean to tell me that teachers don't live in school?

This is exactly what I was thinking. This is why therapy works.

I have a similar experience with my T...2 1/2 years and I have almost no idea what she looks like if she's not in the same room. She says it's because I was so traumatized by my family experience that it doesn't feel safe to connect with her. There's not much "object permanence" with her yet...when she's not physically there, it's as though she doesn't exist. And it seems like a way I try to protect myself.

Dunno...could something like that be part of it?

I don't think it's a silly thread at all and I don't think you're crazy. What I wonder is, do *you* feel real? If she's reflecting you and you don't feel real, then I might think that she can't feel real.

geez said something in her beautiful post about thanking her therapist, I'm probably not getting the words exactly right but it was something like "thank you for helping me find myself."

I think when you feel more real (authentic) to yourself, then she'll feel more real to you. Not necessarily because she's just reflecting you, but because as you come to know yourself better (I'm not suggesting you don't know yourself at all, BTW), you will see her more clearly as a person as well.

At least that's how it's worked for me.

Anne

My dentist also, I know his wife ... I hear about his kids, he tells stories about himself, it's a back and forth interaction which is fine because it doesn't interfere with him working on my teeth. With T's some will share and it helps by filling out the details and with others they won't share because then the sessions might become more about them and less about you. Also they could be concerned that parts of their lives could get in the way for example if your therapist can't have children and you want to talk about your relationship with your grandchildren, you might start thinking "oh, but she can't have children, hmmmmm this conversation might hurt her maybe I better not talk about that". Now you've stopped sharing what you are there for ... I know with my first counselor she told me ALL about being abused as a child, all about her divorce etc. etc. and it made it difficult to share at times because the fear of "but what she experienced was WORSE how can I possibly talk about how terrifying my own experience was" would get in the way.

I could not imagine not knowing ANYTHING about my therapist. That would make it seem very cold to me. I don't think I could do well in that kind of situation. When I am going through a tough time, she may use an example from her own personal life to show me that I am not weird! I struggle alot with feeling that I am 'different'. She will share things back with me to show me that I am really normal.

In the new location, we are meeting in the staff area of the church. So, I am seeing her interact a bit with other people. This is new for me. It did seem a bit strange at first, but it didn't bother me. Not sure how I would react if I saw her out in public. I kinda wish that would happen so that I can see what I would do!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't ask my t's much about themselves. I'm afraid to ask much. I ask my current t something about himself, usually how he's doing, at the beginning of sessions. I never ask anything else even though he tells me some things. But sometimes it bothers me that there might be something wrong with not asking, and that I'd be a lot more comfortable if it was more like a normal give and take conversation. I wonder if the people who know more about their t's feel comfortable asking just anything, like you would in a normal conversation?

Hi Skysblue - thank-you for posting this - I can so relate to it.

I know my T has a name, but I just can't connect that name with the person who sits in the room with me. And when I say person, I know T is a person, has a head, arms and legs etc.. but to me T is more of a presence - an image, a thing - can't really find the words, but it just doesn't feel like a real person that I sit with.

And I never ask my T anything - T has sometimes shared stuff, but I really don't want to hear it - maybe I don't want T to be real person?????