[rainbow8]

I feel like this should get a trigger but that may be my own insecurities about this subject so I'm not giving it one.

For those of you who hug your T, does it always feel good? Does it ever feel awkward? Does it matter if your T is thin or heavier? What about hugging in RL? I didn't grow up with hugs so I don't even know if there is a right or wrong way, like touching too much? Where do you put your arms, etc.? My friends used to want to hug me but I never liked it. Sometimes I do now, but sometimes it feels too intimate. I'm not supposed to talk about therapy, so I'm making this general. How is hugging supposed to feel?

[skysblue]

I don't like hugging (except my grandsons). One day a couple of weeks ago my friend gave me a long tight hug and I thought it was unusual. She commented later how I had changed and had given her such a tight hug. Weird - I thought she was doing that.

I have no desire to hug my T. My parents never hugged us so that's probably where I got it from.

sorry I can't answer your question.

[granite1]

i dont think i would ever hug my T.it just doesnt seem ok to me.i have hugged my past T's but i was a bit younger.
outside of T i am a verry huggy kind of person my friends and i hug all the time and say i love you to eachother we will put our arms around eachother etc.. i am the same with my hubby very huggy.
i grew up with little if any hugging from the mother but did get lots of hugs from my step farther.i use to cuddle up in his arms every night and watch tv with him on the couch.i was his fav little girl.i miss him so much.he was the one person that made me feel loved.he mad a miserable life worth living

[doogie]

Sometimes with my T it is just a quick "Good work today" hug as we go out the door. Sometimes it's a longer hug. She always waits for me end it. As far as body placement, or whatever, our arms are around each other's backs with shoulders kind of touching. Does that make any sense? Hope this helps.

[Asiablue]

I don't get hugs in therapy. I once thought she might at the end of session and i was outta there like a rat on a sinking ship! lol The worst thing is, i would love a proper deep felt, secure, nurturing cuddle, but i don't know how to reach for it. The only person i can hug like that is my husband. I feel a bit awkward about it with everyone else.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Great post! Well, I grew up with a mother who held and hugged me all the time and a father who never did - he was very uncomfortable with his own body, I think. I was always comfortable hugging my women friends but it took me a while to get comfortable hugging my guy friends. As far as my T - she is not the first T to give me hugs but is the first one who will hug me when I cry or when I am triggered. Hugging her feels like hugging my mom and aunts and it brings me great comfort. It always feels good to me, in part, because I am a "huggy" kind of a person. Also, we have similar body types - I like the fact that my T has a soft, somewhat ample(like me) body and that she is comfortable with her own body as well as with offering a hug or giving me one when I ask. If we are standing when we hug, my arms usually go under hers and around her back because she is a bit taller than me - same thing if we are sitting. Not everyone likes to be hugged or likes giving hugs and that is okay. I also work with small children all day long and am very comfortable giving them hugs if they want one/ask for one. I think the most important thing to consider is if you feel okay with it. Some people like shorter hugs and some like longer ones, depending on who the person is. There are certain people I would have a hard time hugging and I know I will never really be comfortable hugging my father. I hug my friends in RL if they are comfortable with it - also, I grew up doing theater(not to stereotype) and so many of my theater friends were very comfortable with hugging, holding hands, etc... If someone's hug feels uncomfortable or feels too long, it is more than okay to end the hug for yourself. Remember, you need to feel safe in your own body and with your own emotions. You probably can already tell who you like to hug and who you don't.
I don't think there is a wrong way to hug, either. Years ago I had a cute book about the different types of hugs - it may sound corny, but if you go to amazon.com and type in the word hugging/hugs, you may find some cute/fun books on the subject.
I remember my T telling me that when she was doing her own therapy when she was younger, she wished her own T could have reached out to hug her once in a while because it really would have helped during some very tough times. I also know there are different opinions on whether Ts should touch/hug or not, so I think each T and each client have a right to their own feelings on this matter. I am sending you a "virtual hug" right now!!!! I know my post was long - wanted you to know that talking about hugs is just fine.

[vaffla]

hmmm... I used to hug former T. I remember the very first hug as so comforting and feeling so good... like the best hug I have ever experienced. The hugs after that (there weren't too many, maybe 7-8 in ten years) never felt as good. Some of them actually felt pretty bad, because she would stiff up and wasn't really receptive of them. I always felt stupid after those hugs, so needy and so undeserving . The other hugs, in which she didn't stiffen up, were ok, felt good, but not as special as the first one.
I used to wrap my arms around her shoulders and I guess she did the same (can't remember what she did ). Our shoulders and perhaps chest area touched, and it was very brief.

My current T, I haven't hugged yet. We are still discussing this topic, and we haven't decided if it's going to happen or not. She said she would like to hug me , but she isn't sure it wouldn't be too over stimulating to me. I have a strong urge to hug her. I feel so close to her emotionally, it just feels weird and awkward that I can't hug her. We are holding hands if I ask for it though. But I so want to hug her...

Once upon a time I bought into the notion that depth of a relationship could only be measured physically - I've leant since then. I've leant to expereince what passes between and within the "space" between people. I've leant that it is easier to trust what is within the "space" than to trust the physical. My whole understanding of what real caring can be, and how it is communicated has matured since my first understanding.

I think how hugs feel is based on experience. I think it's based on each individual 'couple' of people. So I don't think weight makes a difference for me... If I feel close and connected to the person, I love the hug. Our arms are around each other. Sometimes my kids sit in my T's lap and literally wrap around her, which is something I would *not* be comfort with. My kids love to twirl T's hair. But again, it's what you and the therapist are comfortable with. Hugs should always feel comfortable, safe, and a mutual agreement between both people. If you're at an awkward angle your arm can fall asleep. If it feels uncomfortable in anyway, both have a right to say so and disengage the hug.

My kids LOVE hugging and cuddling with T. I like a good long hug but not near the CLING that my kids have.

[sunrise]

When I was growing up, my family didn't hug at all. Probably people would say we are "touch phobic." It just wasn't done in my family. I always liked hugging my romantic partners, though, and that felt comfortable and good. To me, hugging was tied to being romanticly involved with a person, like kissing was. When I had children, though, I became more "huggy" and freer with giving physical affection. It was a good thing! I felt close to my kids and loved them so much--it seemed really natural to hug them. Since then, I've became less touch-phobic and now hug a variety of people. Recently, I was gathered with all of my brothers and sisters and parents and realized I am now the least touch-phobic of all of us! They are all pretty much still in that mode. I am glad I outgrew it, at least partially.

My T and I sometimes hug at the end of our sessions. If it doesn't feel right that day, we don't do it, so no, it has never been awkward. Although, once I stepped on his foot and laughed and apologized. Rainbow, if the hug is going to be awkward or not feel good, we don't do it. It is never forced or unwanted because it doesn't happen in that case. Also, sometimes we just don't hug, but it doesn't mean it was going to be awkward, it just didn't happen that day, for whatever reason. It is no big deal. I definitely don't expect us to hug every time. (I think we do about 75% of the time.) We have never touched in any way during the middle of our sessions.

We have two main kinds of hugs. Some are sideways hugs, where we put one arm around each other and kind of give a squeeze. Very nice. Camraderie. The other kind is frontal, with both arms around each other. These are nice too. These are a little more like, "I feel especially close to you today," or "we have shared a lot today." In these hugs, my face is turned inward so that my cheek is on his chest. (He's too tall for my chin to go over his shoulder.) His harms are over mine, and mine go under around his waist and back. His are higher on me, around my shoulders. Often we do the sideways hug so we each have one arm around each other.

No, I never pay attention to a person's weight when I hug them, including my T. I am not hugging a person based on their weight so it doesn't figure in. I hug them because I feel close to them. My T is pretty tall, though, and I like that so I guess I do notice that. (My husband was not tall.) It is a nice feeling to be enveloped in someone's arms and have them tower over you. Like there is a protective element to it--my T will protect me. Kind of primal. I would still like to hug him if he were shorter, though.

Hope it is OK to send some cyber hugs your way:

I was hugged one time growing up and that was all. I always had this huge desire to know what it felt like to be hugged and loved and just have some "touch" that wasn't bad.
Perhaps that is why as an adult, I am a huge hugger. I hug and kiss and hold hands with kids. Hug T ALL the time. Sometimes short hugs, sometimes long hugs. My T is neither thin nor fat...she is a tiny bit overweight, this makes her really huggable Hugs always feel good.

[rainbow8]

What if the person is very thin and it doesn't feel good but you want the hug anyway?

[rainbow8]

I guess I'm very inhibited. Reading about where people touch is scary or something. It makes me anxious but that's good information to have. I feel safest with these hugs.

When T and I hug, I put my arms around his middle and rest my head on his chest (he's way taller than me). He wraps his arms all around me. It feels safe more than anything. I like to listen to his heart beat.

There weren't hugs in my family, so hugs used to REALLY feel icky to me. But now I've been in a 12 step program for 6 years or so, and wow, that is a huggy group of people. And now I'm used to it, and I love the hugs. It just feels like a way of connecting, and saying "I'm glad I know you".

I hug my kids a lot. My 14 year old is SUPER physical. He'll still SIT ON MY LAP sometimes, even though he weighs like 50 pounds more than me and is 8 inches taller than me! lol My 8 year old plays with my hair or holds my hand when we're watching TV. My middle autistic kid is less touchy, but I do get the occasional hug from him

I don't notice people's weight when I hug them. I usually try to breathe and feel the connection more than anything else.

I grew up in a family of big huggers, and lots of hugging goes on in our house too. My t and I hug on occasion, but not all that often which is fine. I haven't felt any deep need to hug him.

Rainbow, everybody hugs differently and feels different when you hug them. Take away your idea that your t needs to somehow be more meaty and just enjoy the closeness and affection that the hug means. Appreciate her uniqueness as a hugger rather than wishing she was somehow different.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

What if the person is very thin and it doesn't feel good but you want the hug anyway?

I have hugged a lot of thin people and it feels fine to me. What about hugging a thin person feels bad? Is it that their bones jab you? I have honestly never had that problem! I never thought that whether a hug felt good or bad depended on a person's body type. For me, hugging is a physical way to express how emotionally close I feel to someone. So the emotional aspect is more important to me than the physical (unless it's a romantic interest, I guess).

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

What if the person is very thin and it doesn't feel good but you want the hug anyway?

could it be you dont feel as safe and cared for by her if she is so thin and small that the hug doesnt feel comforting??i often wondered about this about my son because i am so small did my hugs comfort him when he is so much bigger than me??

[rainbow8]

I don't know. Maybe this is another thread I shouldn't have started, but I don't know how I'm going to talk about it in therapy. When someone is heavier, you don't feel their body. I'm sorry I'm not listening to my T writing about this. It was NOT what my session was about, so I don't feel totally guilty.

[SoupDragon]

ahhh hugs

Think I have posted on here before, that I even find it hard posting images of hugs on here.

My T offers touch, but no way!

Actually if I coudl get to a place where I could hug or receive a hug from T, I think I would have made great progress. It is an interesting question that you have asked, I too just don't know how to do it at any level, physical or emotional.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

What if the person is very thin and it doesn't feel good but you want the hug anyway?

I understand what you mean, rainbow!!! I wanted to hug my T for a long time before I asked her. During that time, I always imagined that hugging her would feel soft and comforting. But the first time I hugged her, I was struck by how hard her body felt! I knew she was thin and muscular, but I didn't realize that hugging her would feel "hard" rather than "soft." That softness is usually what I like about hugging people. I like feeling like I can sink into them; it makes me feel nurtured and protected. But while T's hugs feel different, I still like getting them. As sunrise explains, hugging someone is more about expressing the emotional connection you have with them; the physical sensation comes second. As for the dynamcis of the hug (and this does feel a bit weird to write about!) I either put both of my arms under hers and around her back, or one arm under hers and around her back and one arm over her shoulder and around her back. It's a height thing-- she's taller than me, but if I'm wearing heels, then I become taller. The hugs are usually quick; I've never paid attention to who ends them. If I remember, I will try to pay attention to that next time. There have been a couple of times when the hug has lasted a little longer and been a little tighter--I prefer that because then I'm feeling more of her chest against mine, which is softer-- only feeling her arms and back is pretty boney. In general, I prefer longer, tighter, more intimate hugs with everyone-- but I don't know where T stands so I don't want to make her uncomfortable. With my friends, I basically squeeze them do death; I'm a pretty huggy person in general. I tend to sit on my friends' laps, hold their hand when we walk together, sprawl across them on the couch. That's just how we all are with each other. (And T knows this about me and my friends). But I don't know how T is or what HER level of comfort is; either with clients or with friends and family. I presume it all depends on the person. She did tell me once that she only hugs some clients-- but I don't know whether it's because only some clients want hugs, or because there are some clients SHE doesn't want to hug. I think it's probably "safer" or more "acceptable" in our situation because we're both female and she's quite a bit older than me; there's no confusion over what the hug means. It might be less clear if the client were a straight male her own age, or if the client expressed a romantic interest in her. Though I am curious whether she only hugs me because I ask her to, or whether she genuinely likes hugging me. I hope it's the latter; I would never want her to feel like she HAS to hug me. Though she has mentioned before that the way I approach her is kind of cute. I basically walk up to her, hold my arms out, and wait for her to hug me. I like that dynamic because it makes me feel like more of a "kid" and makes hugging her feel more "maternal." (Again though, it feels a little awkward to TALK...er write... about hugs; it makes physical things seem less natural when you discuss and analyze them).

[Omers]

It took me a very long time to be OK with any touch. Now I love my hugs.

Current T gives awesome hugs although she insists that my arms go above hers. I am submissive so I prefer my arms on the bottom or will settle for one on top and one on bottom. Massage T gives hugs... I don't know if they don't feel as good because the massage feels SO good or if I just don't like her hugs as much she also makes me put my arms on top. Pdoc gives AWESOME hugs!!! And she will put her arm around me when we walk into her office and she doesn't mind me leaning into it to be closer. I also hug all of them if I run into the IRL when appropriate.

IRL... In college everyone knew I was a hugger and were great about it. Everyone let me say hi and bye with hugs... From the president of the college to the director of campus ministries, to my professors... everyone (That I asked)! Where I live now people are not as open about such things and it is very hard for me.

All that said though... I get TOTALLY weirded out if they are wearing a shirt without sleeves. I always wear long pants, ankle length skirts or shorter skirts (Very rare) with tights or hose or something. I also always have at least short sleeves on. Massage T weirds me out when she wears a dress. I'm OK with guys in shorts or guys without shirts... No clue what the hang up is!

[Omers]

Oops... forgot part... T is VERY thin and bony and I do sometimes get poked with a poorly placed bone. Massage T and Pdoc have better padding although I would not consider either of them heavy.

[Cooter]

I had been seeing my T for about eight months when it so happened that I missed two weeks in a row for one reason or another. It was two weeks full of tears, nightmares and self doubt, two weeks of wondering why I had to be this way. Well, when I finally got in to see my T she sensed something was wrong and started giving her reasoning why I was such a mess. The entire time I was shaking my head as if I was saying no. She finally stopped and said what is it? I told her I just needed a hug. That's all, just a hug.

[dizgirl2011]

My T has never hugged me, we dont have any physical contact and havent since the first day we met when we shook hands.

She knows I am screaming out for a hug inside as we talk about it in our work constantly but she never offers so I have come to the conclusion that she wont ever do it.
I know that if she did i would probably feel like running a mile even though I want to be hugged and held so much. It kind of hurts that she knows I want and need it so much and yet she doesn't give me a hug ever! But that is her boundaries and I have to respect that.

Also because I am over weight and she is thin I think perhaps I may feel very self conscious about the hug if it happened but thats got more to do with my self image and low self esteem than about hugs.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Hugs from my T are always awesome. I wrap my arms around her everytime. Hope that answers your questions Rainbow.