Should I go back?

Sorry for posting but I don't know what to do. I haven't seen my t for a few weeks now but I have an appointment this week. I'm really scared about going back and don't know if I should. I feel really detached from her after she's been away and I don't know if I can do this all again, it took so much to go in the first place.

I've been struggling lately and I don't want to depend on a t too much. I mean, do I really need a t? Do I deserve to be there and take up her time and energy? Sometimes I think she could help other people better than me, I feel I'm a bit of a lost cause. I can't open up to her, I can't even look at her, so what's the point, all I ever talk about is work because that's the only thing I feel comfortable about sharing and because sometimes there is good stuff about work to share, I don't want to talk about 'dark' stuff all the time, I'd hope there's more to me than that.

I guess I'm asking now because I have to give 48 hours notice to cancel a session, shall I e-mail her and cancel?

Sorry for the essay, thanks for reading.

Hi confuseduk - I have been where you are in wanting to cancel sessions / take a break - whenever that has happened I have asked for advice and people have always encouraged me to at least talk to T about how I feel.

I am so glad that I have stuck with it - it is really tough isn't it and I understand that bit about wanting to not feel dependent - I tell myself that I should be able to sort this stuff out on my own - but them remind myself if that is the case, then why haven't I done it yet?

I think talking about the less deep stuff is a great way to practice sharing things with T, for T to get to know you, for you to get to know T, before you concentrate on the big stuff - for me it is so important to have a strong trust in my T before sharing those things.

I also find eye contact really hard - it is getting easier to look at T when he is talking, but I still find it pretty impossible to maintain eye contact when I am talking.

And of course you deserve to be there, I don't believe anyone is a lost cause and bet your T doesn't think you are either. Life can be really hard sometimes, either because of past stuff or current stuff or both - it takes time to find a way of sharing this stuff, stuff that sometimes is buried so deep, that even we are not really sure what is there.

My T is always keen to keep our sessions weekly and at the same time and day each week - I too think I would find it hard going back after longer breaks. Do you always have longish breaks between sessions or was this because your T was on holiday?

In terms of the courage to go back again - it was hard the first time, but you did it didn't you? I hope you can find the same courage to do it again. And is it possible for you to print out what you wrote above and share that with T? It may help her understand how things are for you right now.

Good luck in making your decision - let is know how it goes - Soup

Thanks so much for your reply Soup, I appreciate it.

It is really tough, do you always go back even when you feel like cancelling? I know exactly what you mean about trying to sort stuff out on your own and you're right, if it was possible, we'd do it.

I have trust issues and also need a strong trust in my T. I think now I've finally given her the address of my Dr I'm scared she'll go behind my back and speak to them if I say something 'wrong'.

How long have you been seeing your T? I'm glad the eye contact is getting a little easier, but I understand it'll be hard to maintain. I think I could tell you more about what the rug on the floor looks like than her!

I hope my T doesn't think I am, but I don't know.

Your T sounds really good, keeping the sessions weekly and at the same time and day each week. My T was on holiday and then had too busy a schedule to fit me in. We had been seeing each other weekly and I thought I was ok after our last session but I haven't been and had a bit of a meltdown, I don't know how to say it and I don't want her to be disappointed. I know she'll tell me to see a Dr but I won't go.

It took about 6 e-mails of her persuading me to come and see her to make me go in the first place and if I hadn't been so scared and rooted to the spot in the doorway, I think I would have run off when she came to the door! I don't know where I'll get the courage from this time!

I don't think I could print and share with my T, that would scare me but maybe when I trust her a bit more I could.

Thanks so much for the advice and kind words soup

I'm where you are right now.

I canceled my appt for tomorrow and will have to have a good think about IF I can go back.
I don't want to rely on her either. Reading some of the stories here on pc has really made me be determined not too.

I guess you have to decide what is in your best interests. As will I.

Flooded, really sorry to hear that. Do you think you've done the right thing?

I can understand why you don't want to rely on her either.

Please let me know what you decide when you do...

You are where you are and that's okay, perfectly fine.
You will be able to look at her more as you see her more and trust her more, and feel more comfortable. You are just beginning. It takes time to trust enough to be able to begin to open up.

I said little for 9 months when I began therapy. Cried a lot, but said little.
I kept going back because I believed therapy was the answer and because I made the commitment to myself to keep going, even when - or especially when - I didn't feel like going. I'd been in therapy before and had quit abruptly, several times.

Feel detached because you haven't seen her for a while is just what happens for you. Just like you can see how you feel when you see her again, how that works for you.

It sounds like your initial fears may be at work here, telling you to not go back like they told you to not go in the first place. Go anyway.

You do deserve this. There is room for everyone.

Experiencing a break is one thing to experience in therapy. There is so much more. You are doing great!

.... go back and see if the rug is the same...

I love you echoes. You rock.

Thank you Echoes

Boy do I understand where you're at, Confuseduk! The first two years of my therapy, I quit more times than I can count. I was almost phobic about trusting and/or relying on anyone. I literally quit therapy every two to three weeks. But every time I quit, I regretted it. Sometimes I asked to come back right away, and sometimes I stayed away for one or two months. But as you mentioned in your post, if we could really and truly do it on our own, without therapy, than we'd do it, right? My therapist was more patient than most. She accepted me wherever I was. If I quit, she'd let me know that I could come back anytime I wanted. She didn't chase me or beg me to return. She just gently let me know that she would welcome me back. And she did. I'd return and she'd meet me with the same smile of welcome each time. She stayed steady and constant. She told me that we were "dancing" and I was in the lead--I got to decide how fast and how slow we were going to go.

There are some professionals who view this jumping in and out of theray as "therapy interfering behavior (TIB)." Well, it is, but for me it was critical for me to play it out before I could reach a place of trust. Some therapist say TIB with distain or with a lack of compassion or understanding. At times, the term is used as a means to terminate or fire a client. Some therapists view the behavior as a form of aggression; a way of foiling the therapist. That is not the kind of view I needed in my therapist . I'm lucky I found one who understood the need, accepted it for what it was, cold, mind shattering FEAR and she told me that I could come back whenever I was ready.

My suggestion is that you go to your next appointment if at all possible. It's okay if you sit in fear, just go. I know that after being "disconnected" from my therapist for vacations or other reasons, it was harder for me to re connect. Many of us struggle with keeping our therapists in our heads as helpful and trustworthy people--we lose that image very very quickly. I know that it has taken me a long time to be able to keep that image alive in my head even for the short period of week to week, but it did happen. Hang in there!

Thanks so much for that Jaybird. I'm glad you've found such a great T and I like what she said about being in a "dance"

I'd never heard of TIB before, it's a shame not everyone is so understanding.

Thanks JayBird

Kind of off center here, but that is kind of me. This reminds me of the ABBA song-Take A Chance on Me. Anyways that is what I thought of when I read your post. I can see your T saying that to you. I make myself go even though a part of me is kicking and screaming like a toddler getting a shot. I am taking a chance on T. PEACE

Yes I have always gone back even when I have dreaded it so much. Once I e-mailed T and said I didn't think I could go again, but T just said he hoped I would find a way and I just needed to give 24 hours notice to confirm. Another time I kept asking for a break in sessions, T wasn't keen at that time and somehow kept me going. Eventually T said of course I could have a break, but then when I had permission to, I wanted to keep going (think he double bluffed me ).

Yes I was terrified of confidentiality at the beginning. I have a responsible job and was worried about that and also being swallowed up by the NHS system. I think I continue to be a bit concerned that opening this box of worms I carry around, maybe it will be more than I can tolerate and will push me over the edge and leave me struggling to maintain my job and family (I am a single mum). So I remain very cautious - sometimes the paranoia really sets in and I worry that my T will have to breach confidentiality - that he will not understand that just because I may lose my composure with him, that I won't be able to pull the mask back on to be a good mum to my kids. But I tell myself that it is just paranoia and of course that won't happen.

I have been seeing my T for about 18 months - it is my first ever experience of therapy. I think I have been lucky in finding one that I think I can work with at my first attempt - I recently did a therapy weekend with two different therapists and it reinforced to me that I really do like my T an awful lot (would never tell T that though - hmm that's something to reflect on).

Yes my T also has a very lovely rug - it all seems so ridiculous sitting here thinking of why I can't look at him - but when I get in that room it is so freaky .

Of course I am a great hippocrit - I know all the theory - be open and honest with T, trust T, T is there to not judge blah, blah, blah - but tell me to print something and share with T and I will run a mile.

All I do is go along, tell myself, regardless of how terrifying it is that T means me no harm and keep trying to do this thing called therapy. If I don't go I will not move forward, I will stagnate - yes in going I may actually feel like I am going backwards sometimes - but I don't think it is really going backwards, it is just that can of big stuff slowly staring to open - feels scarey, but it is progress. I sometimes wonder why I can't have more faith in T - they are trained, experienced - would I worry so much about a surgeon talking out my appendix, or would I have faith that they knew what they were doing?

Take care confuseduk - Soup.

This describes my feelings right now. I only had three sessions with T before she left for 3 weeks. Tomorrow I have an appointment...and I am terrified. Any connection I felt with her is now gone. I'm afraid of her, of what will happen. It's actually kind of nice to know that I am not the only person who feels this way.

Hang in there, confuseduk. This is hard stuff.

Never really thought about it reminding anybody of a song. Therapy - the musical! Thanks for the post and I'm really glad you're taking a chance on T. I'm still undecided

[quote=SoupDragon;2003986]Yes I have always gone back even when I have dreaded it so much. Once I e-mailed T and said I didn't think I could go again, but T just said he hoped I would find a way and I just needed to give 24 hours notice to confirm. Another time I kept asking for a break in sessions, T wasn't keen at that time and somehow kept me going. Eventually T said of course I could have a break, but then when I had permission to, I wanted to keep going (think he double bluffed me ).

So when you were dreading it did you feel glad you went afterwards?

Yes I was terrified of confidentiality at the beginning. I have a responsible job and was worried about that and also being swallowed up by the NHS system. I think I continue to be a bit concerned that opening this box of worms I carry around, maybe it will be more than I can tolerate and will push me over the edge and leave me struggling to maintain my job and family (I am a single mum). So I remain very cautious - sometimes the paranoia really sets in and I worry that my T will have to breach confidentiality - that he will not understand that just because I may lose my composure with him, that I won't be able to pull the mask back on to be a good mum to my kids. But I tell myself that it is just paranoia and of course that won't happen.

I feel exactly the same, I also have quite a responsible job, it keeps me sane and I know people would see me differently if they knew. (You guys on PC are the only people who know I'm seeing a T) Wow, you're a single mum? You're doing an amazing job holding everything together. I'm cautious too, holding down a job and caring for someone is hard on top of everything else. Don't want my T to think I'm weak or can't cope. Yes I know paranoia well!

I have been seeing my T for about 18 months - it is my first ever experience of therapy. I think I have been lucky in finding one that I think I can work with at my first attempt - I recently did a therapy weekend with two different therapists and it reinforced to me that I really do like my T an awful lot (would never tell T that though - hmm that's something to reflect on).

18 months? That's great, so glad you've found someone you can work with - even though you'd never tell your T that I'm not sure of mine yet.

Yes my T also has a very lovely rug - it all seems so ridiculous sitting here thinking of why I can't look at him - but when I get in that room it is so freaky .

Haha, it's funny what you notice, I'll look anywhere else but at my T! She must get a sore neck and shoulders trying to lean down to make eye contact with me! Yeah it is really freaky I agree

Of course I am a great hippocrit - I know all the theory - be open and honest with T, trust T, T is there to not judge blah, blah, blah - but tell me to print something and share with T and I will run a mile.

You're not a hypocrite at all, you give good advice, but you just can't accept your own! It's easy to help others but hard when it's for you. Haha I'd be running with you I think.

All I do is go along, tell myself, regardless of how terrifying it is that T means me no harm and keep trying to do this thing called therapy. If I don't go I will not move forward, I will stagnate - yes in going I may actually feel like I am going backwards sometimes - but I don't think it is really going backwards, it is just that can of big stuff slowly staring to open - feels scarey, but it is progress. I sometimes wonder why I can't have more faith in T - they are trained, experienced - would I worry so much about a surgeon talking out my appendix, or would I have faith that they knew what they were doing?

Yeah maybe you're right. I've just had a message from a couple of friends asking if I want to go out for the day the same day as I see my t. It would be so easy just to cancel and go with them instead....but would that mean I was running away and would it make it even harder to go back?

Thanks FourRedheads. Nice to know we're not alone. Are you going to the appointment? Please let me know how it goes