**trying to be vague, but probably triggering. i don't know*

I guess the good news is, it can't get worse than this. I asked T "is this as bad as it can get" and he nodded sadly and I think he was right. We hit the bottom. Finally.

I just laid there and wished I would die. I didn't cry, or scream or panic. I just waited to die, but I kept breathing. T didn't say anything. His chair was pulled up to the couch and he sat with me. No words. Because what could anyone say?

I realized that what I thought was "love" and "protection" when I was little was not that at all. I understood that I. WASN'T. LOVED. I wasn't loved. There was nothing T could say...like, you were, really...because I wasn't. I wasn't. There was a little tree and No. One. Loved Her.

I know it's true. And I know my parents had their own issues and I did have a glimmer of "it was them, not me"...I think my mind was desperately looking for a way out, a way to make it okay.

I remember asking T to write down things that are true and he did. And he told me how strong that little girl was and he put his hand over his heart and got teary. It was like he was having my feelings for me. I was just numb, and shocked, and I felt like I had fallen into a deep, deep, deep hole that I'll never get out of.

ALL OF THIS TIME I was grasping to this "proof" that I was loved and I get it now. That wasn't love. If I heard about it happening to someone else, I wouldn't see it as love. It's not love.

I told T that I won't do anything dangerous but it's hard not to think about it. And he said that it's okay to have those thoughts and it makes sense.

I can't even quite put it into words. I feel like this one thing I was holding onto was taken away, and now here I am with nothing to hold onto. The twisted part is, what I was holding onto before...that *that* was love... was actually less painful than THIS. And I couldn't talk about it for FOUR YEARS because it seemed so yucky and awful. And now that seems BETTER than this. But I can't get back there. I get it now. Maybe I didn't want to talk about it, because somehow I knew it would lead to this moment.

I laid there for I don't know how long - LONG- and just tried to disappear. And then I noticed that T had his hand out to me, so I reached for his hand and he rubbed my hand and didn't say any words. Because there just weren't any.

AND I realized "she" is "me". That little girl is part of me. It all just came together at once. We are the same person. She wasn't loved. *I* wasn't loved. Oh. My. God.

I'm trying to find a way to make it okay, but I think it's just not okay. I know I will find a way to find some grace or hope or light, but I don't know how I will get from here to there.

T sat with me and I curled up against him and buried my face on his arm. I tried to soak up his love and give it to my little self.

I'll find my way out. But right now I feel like I am numb..almost in shock. When I was driving home on the freeway, I suddenly realized I was going 45 and the speed limit was 65.

It's not like "I don't think I was loved". It's like I WASN'T LOVED. What the **** am I supposed to DO with that?

I'll figure it out. But I can't yet.

[Omers]

(((((Ttreehouse))))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

I love you.

[unaluna]

Welcome to the monkey house.

For me, this perspective - realizing they didn't even like me, let alone love me - answered a lot of questions. How could they - ? Well, it's easy, when you look at it THAT way! I had always wanted to be placed in an orphanage, I felt it would have been more honest.

I'm glad your T was there for you the way he was. You may have lost THEM, but you have gained a world of brothers and sisters.

[dizgirl2011]

***massive hugs Tree***

I can only imagine what your going through and in that image I believe it is overwhelming.

I don't have children but I have niece's and nephews and I cannot imagine how parents could not love their child, it's not natural and I think it says far more about them than you. They just were not fit to be parents and didn't deserve a beautiful child like you. I am sorry for what you have been put through and I know trying to get to a place of peace with this will be extremely hard for you. It sounds like you have such a wonderful therapist who has many affectionate, positive, caring and loving feelings for you- because you are worth all that and more and you always have done!

Take one minute at a time hunwish I could give you a real hug right now! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[skysblue]

Treehouse - what a painful realization. I so feel for you. Try to get inside your body and remember that 'that was then, this is now'. Your life is NOW. You have love in your life NOW. You have people who care about you NOW. What happened in the past was the deficits of your parents, not yours. You are o.k. You are good. You are loveable.

Bring your mind and body back to the present. All is good here and now. The past no longer needs to strangle nor imprison us.

Look around you NOW.
The birds are singing NOW.
The white puffy clouds are passing by NOW.
The breeze is soothing your skin NOW.
The fragrance of the flowers is delightful NOW.

Where you want to be is HERE NOW. It is safe where you are NOW.

[Sannah]

Tree I'm so sorry.

I'm glad that you hit bottom, though, because now you can rise up.

You have been dreading hitting this bottom for awhile? And it probably has been gnawing at you and keeping you from peace?

Well now it is over and now you can rise up.

Your parents might not have been capable of love - for anyone BTW - not just you.

But you are soooooo capable of love and you have so many people who love you. You are surrounded by love now.

Why? Because you are such a lovable person.............



You are probably going to need to mourn this for a bit.

My husband has struggled with this exact same realization. It has been a mourning process for him. It is a loss. He's learning to accept the love he has now in his life, which is abundant, as enough. He's learning that as wrong as it was that his family did not love him, he is still able to love himself and his children and me and my family. He is receiving abundant love now (and that is hard to accept when you never had it as a child). They didn't destroy him. He's starting to realize that now so that he can move forward. It is a slow process. Be gentle with yourself as you wrap your head around this. So sorry this is so painful. But the good news is, as your T said, this is the worst. It is all a growth process from here.

[googley]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hope it gets better for you quickly.

I agree with the others. I know it may not help, but it was them NOT you.

You are loving and lovable. Just think of the other night when you helped your son through his fears. That is love! He loves you. So do your other sons and your husband, and your T, and of course those of us here at PC.

[Asiablue]

I felt so sad reading that Treehouse, i could feel your pain coming thru those words. I hope you can find some peace now and like others said, it's your parents who were dysfunctional, you were and are perfect.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Tree I'm so sorry.

I'm glad that you hit bottom, though, because now you can rise up.

You have been dreading hitting this bottom for awhile? And it probably has been gnawing at you and keeping you from peace?

Well now it is over and now you can rise up.

Your parents might not have been capable of love - for anyone BTW - not just you.
But you are soooooo capable of love and you have so many people who love you. You are surrounded by love now. Why? Because you are such a lovable person.............



You are probably going to need to mourn this for a bit.

Sannah.... this is for you well said. thanks.

[rainbow8]

tree--others said it better already. All I can add is that you are loved in RL and here. I don't understand how your parents couldn't love you because you ARE so, so lovable just the way you are, and you deserved all the love any baby and child deserves. Many hugs and love to you. You give so much love to others. I you.

Lots and lots and lots of hugs. You not being loved was NOT about you. You ARE worthy of love and good things and happiness and peace. I'm so so so so sorry those awful things happened to you. So sorry. You are amazing the way you are. I wish you could know that. You are an inspiration to me. I know you don't feel like it.

[FourRedheads]

Tree, everyone has said it so much better than I ever could. You are loved. I wish I could know you in real life. I'd give you the biggest hug right now. I hope you are reading and absorbing all the love here for you. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this but I think you are incredibly brave.

[Ygrec23]

All with you, Tree.

[Irine]

You are lucky for having such a loving T. I know exactly what you are going through.

[vaffla]

How painful and sad .
I am so sorry you feel that way. I hope you can move through the pain to the other side of it.

[rainbow_rose]

you are appreciated and you are loved, treehouse. lots of safe hugs

[granite1]

all i can do is say tree i love you and i know it doesnt meant much but you are so amazing

This really touched me; I won't say I know exactly how you feel but I honestly can relate to some of what you are going through; it is not easy. But I believe all of us are stronger than we give ourselves credit for or can even imagine, and with your obviously very caring and loving therapist and also the support of people here, you will get through this. Wishing you peace and healing...be as gentle with yourself as you can.

i hear pain and i am so very sorry. i really wish we never had to deal with this in the first place. you have a lot of courage.

be gentle with yourself and when things get overwhelming, remember what you told MS, about the train. i bet he would love to remind you of how it helped him

sending tons and tons of safe hugs
ps i am glad to hear t was with you every step of the way...

Hi Tree - Words just fail me, but I'm so so sorry that you had to go through this. I believe you probably are in a kind of shock - I've gone into emotional shock over a lot less than this. Your T said this is as bad as it will get. You're there, you lived through it, now you can start to heal. It will only get better from here on.

Sorry I can't be more eloquent, but others have been. I'll just say "me too!" Lots of hugs to you, and be good to yourself. Maybe some chocolate??

[BonnieJean]

Tree - The first time you went thru this you were alone handling the feelings. As a little girl. It makes me so sad and angry to think about. This time you have your t to go thru/work thru it with you. It sounds like he has compassion for you and will help you. hugs.

[Wren_]

((((((((((Tree)))))))))))

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

((((((((((Tree)))))))))))

awww, that image is so cute & perfect, tigergirl!