hitting the bottom

(((((((((Tree))))))))))

wow. I read your post earlier today but I wanted to think about it before I replied.
I get it. I really get it.

Your grief is the deepest pain. I am so glad your T could be there as you saw clearly what you had stolen from you... the love every child deserves.

Last year I took a trip to the Atlantic Ocean. I went out there all alone where no one could hear me and I shouted at the top of my lungs ... I yelled and cussed and gave the universe a big piece of my mind! It was about the loss and feeling the reality of that hit me full force.

What happened to you was NOT your fault. I am so sorry for your loss.

Allow yourself to feel all the things that will come up. This is all a big part of your healing. You are right... it is the bottom. When you are falling into the pit, you only see the darkness rush toward you.

But when you hit the bottom, that is when you stop. And that is when we can look back up the well - and suddenly everything is crystal clear.

Hey tree,
Love and hugs to you. It is the same for me. Can you think of your t as raising you? I know that is what my t has done for me. He said it is not natural and it is not perfect but we are making due. Your t is giving you back some of what you missed. As best he can. That kind of calms me down. You missed out on a lot and it has hurt you deeply. You also have received something really special which is a very close caring relationship with a t that meets as much of your needs as possible.

Not trying to trivialize your pain at all, just trying to point out that you are special and you have something special. And there is no doubt that you are loved by your t.

(((((Tree))))

You get to love yourself, you get to seek out and embrace people now who will love you, and you get to mourn for that little girl and what she did not have. I'm sorry you're hurting, be gentle with yourself.

(((Tree))) and (((tree)))

i just want to say i am reading and rereading ALL of these responses. over and over and over again.

i got two kittens today. it's funny. when my dad died, i got a puppy, even though I'd never had a dog before. my dad died 4/26 and we got our dog in early may. I feel like something inside of me died today, and since we just had our two old cats put to sleep I got 2 eight week old kittens to surprise my boys.

they're sleeping next to me right now.

but still, it hurts in a place i didn't know i could hurt. but still, i can't breathe.

it has to not be like this forever. i. am. trying. i know it will take time, but how much?

and now t is gone for 2 weeks he is taking something with him from his office that is kind of "mine" and he is going to carry it with him so we will be connected. he said that if i e-mail and he is able to get it he will respond.

but. he's GONE.

I am so ****ing tired.

my kittens are sweet tthough.

(((((Tree)))))

I'm so sorry you are struggling right now.

I like to think that hitting the bottom means that you have reached the most stable point from which to build upon. There's nothing left but truth, and building on that is like building on bedrock.

Enjoy the kitties you got...and maybe you can grow up again with them! (I'm doing that with the puppy I just got...growing up again, better, with her).

I could feel your pain too. I actually had tears in my eyes which has never happened before online.

You are a precious soul tree

(((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))

It totally sucks when Ts go out of town at the most inconvenient times. I hope the kitties are wonderful. Have you named them?

We will be here to support you while your T is gone.
Make sure to get some rest and spend time doing things you enjoy.

I have definitely found that kittens are a wonderful way to distract/re-engage. It's certainly kitten season and good for you! They can be such a joy.

This place where you are right now hurts a lot, but is a tremendous leap forward into your authentic self. The young tree and the now tree are the same person. It's all you, and it's a painful reunion as all that comes together.

Therapists seem to always leave at bad times don't they?

You've got a lot of courage, tree. You'll make it.

I can't put it in any better words than all the other posters.
Your soul searing pain is heard and acknowledged with gentleness , Treehouse.
Rest and comfort yourself in the arms of your family.

((((Tree)))) Getting the kittens was a good idea IMO. New Life is what is next for you. It is a cycle of growth and change. It is healthy. And it teaches your children that you can mourn the loss but rejoice in the NOW. Both can exist at the same time. Our hearts can cry and laugh at the exact same time. This is one of the amazing things which make us human.

Your T is not gone. He is with you and thinking of you. If you doubt it, just close your eyes and open your hand palm up. Feel the warmth of his hand. It will be there. You are not alone.

What you have done over the past month has been beyond life transforming for you. You are there. You have made it. And with so much love you have in your heart for your own children and for your family and your new kittens, you will enjoy life in a way you never thought you could.

The reason this will happen is because YOU have DONE the work.
You were honest. You were genuine. And you didn't hide from the pain.
You didn't avoid it. You went into the dark night of the soul with the bravery of a thousand and one armies.

The payoff for doing what you have done is that you can now feel and experience your life with that same authenticity. As you have shared on PC and allowed us fellow travellers to be with you, you have amazed me with your strength of character.

The rest of your life now belongs ... to ... YOU. ;-)

You chose to bring in 2 kittens, to me the very essence of life, vulnerability, need, joy, love. Two new lives for you to begin again with.