Anxiety Strikes

I did something incredibly brave or incredibly stupid. I handed T a 40 page story that I wrote that has really personal things about my thoughts, desires, etc that correlates with therapy. It's embarrassing and makes me feel ashamed. She texted me to let me know she has read the whole thing, and has tried to really flood me with reassurance that she doesn't think it's stupid, or unimportant, bad, or gross. But I'm freaking out!!

Hey stormyangels - it is really hard feeling so exposed, but there was a bit of you that wanted to share that stuff with your T wasn't there and maybe that bit of you thinks there is real benefit in doing so.

I don't think you were stupid, you were so brave and I think that it is really great that you did that.

It is strange that we can get so embarrassed about the real us and isn't T where we can explore all of that without being judged by out T? I sometimes wonder when I am feeling ashamed, what would I say to someone else that was experiencing that? And here I am giving my view that you shouldn't be ashamed, be proud, sharing those things must have been hard and wow well done! - you did it.

I sometimes send e-mails to my T - up until now I have always felt too ashamed to talk about them with T and T has respected that. T has gently nudged me to return to look at them and we are just starting to think about that more.

I think that the more information that T's have about us the better and the easier it will be for them to work with us. There may be much in what you wrote that helps your T to help you - I think you have done a good thing.

SD

((((((((stormy)))))))))))))))

what you shared with her was part of putting who you are down on paper; revealing things deep inside that don't get to see the light often if ever ... no wonder it feels so big and scary to you. It's ok to be scared about this; it's a big step; and .... if this is the paper that grew out of what you mentioned writing the other week (?) its one you've been anxious about for some time. If you can try and take her words; and hear them, feel them, hang on to them

let her words of reassurance soak in and take hold ..... she isn't going anywhere; and you are safe with her

i think what you shared with her is also safe as well how long till you see her? and can talk about this more so you can feel safer still

wow you gave it to her that is so totally amazing.now just breath and try to just let it be until you are able to see her and talk to her about it in your next session.WOW you are awesome.know that she has read it and take comfort in the fact that she is thinking of you with kindness and gentleness and that is all

In my version of this, I give my journal to my T about every other week. I've only been able to go back and read one of my journal entries, as they are written when I am in some kind of othered state where I can talk about emotional reactions, fears, and desires without censoring myself. Tons of super embarrassing stuff in there, in fact I'm not sure what I've written that hasn't been embarrassing.

I thought I would literally kill T with the horror of my words the first time I gave it to him. Why yes, I do have an exaggerated sense of my powers, why do you ask?

So very anxious about how it would affect him. At first, he let me know that he read it but he didn't bring up anything in reference to it, except one tiny little hypothetical point that went something like, when you're ready, we can talk about this. Now he regularly, more than once per session, references things from my journal. It freaks the beejeezus out of me.

All this is to say that it's totally normal to freak out when you give something to someone that you've written, especially to your T, whose reaction means more than anything or anyone else's, and especially because you're not giving her a recipe for cookies, you're giving her bits and pieces or maybe a lot of your most tender and precious self.

I would say that you are very brave for doing that, although I would never claim this for myself.

Anne

Hey StormyAngel,

I think it was so brave to be so open and honest with your Therapist and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
It sounds like your therapist doesn't feel anything bad about what you said in your story, in fact she wants you to know that you have no need to worry at all.
Are you worried your therapist is not being honest about how she feels or is your anxiety related to how you feel about your thoughts and feelings?

all the best

Stormy, just curious - why would you think sending your thoughts and feelings to T is stupid? I can so understand fear, shame and embarrassment but why stupid? I've said to T that I feel stupid that I feel a certain way but I don't know if I've ever had the feeling 'stupid' by sharing - just shame and embarrassment and fear.

I need to be brave like you. I have my journal and I think T needs to see it. I almost gave it to her but read it to her instead. I am beginning to think the thoughts of embarrassment are worse than what really happens. So I am prepared to hand it over Thursday. I think what you did was brave and trusting not stupid. If you think about you did it was really an intelligent act because it will help your T help you get better.

I think you were very brave to share that with your T. I also fully empathize with the feelings you have about having shared something so personal. It is very hard for me to share things because I have a serious fear of being judged or disliked, or even annoying or angering my T. I've realized that I don't really, truly think that my T will be repulsed or irritated because when I look at him and our history thus far objectively, I see that he has never been anything but patient and gentle with me and accepting of everything about me, but I'm projecting my fears onto him based on things in my life that have and still do make me feel so insecure.

Anyway, I didn't mean to make this about me, I just really understand your anxiety. It's like a split feeling- we share with our Ts because on some level we know it's the right thing to do despite our fears and we know he/she will be fine with it, but it also leaves us feeling very vulnerable and even ashamed. I hope you can find comfort in your T's assurance that everything is okay, but be kind to yourself even if you are still freaking out. This is difficult stuff.

Stormy.....Good Job!
That was incredibly difficult to do and you have really put yourself out there. I am sure your t is glad to have that letter as a guide. She will help you gently uncover the things you wrote in there. You made the first big step. Be gentle with yourself and try to celebrate the brave Stormy!

I'd say you were incredibly brave, stormyangels. anything we can do or share with our therapists helps them know us and help us better. you done good.

Woohoo that is pretty kick butt that you were able to do that-that is a very vulnerable action-but I think you will find it to be extremely rewarding! great job!

Thank you for all the support.

I wish I could cling to T's reassurance and KNOW that it WILL be ok. It will. Somewhere inside of me I know that. But the idea of having to sit in front of her and talk about this is intolerable. I know T understands all the confusion and can connect the dots perfectly as to why this all needs to be worked on. But my fear is always about losing love, being judged, etc.

Someone asked why I labeled it as "stupid". I labeled it as 'stupid' because it feels like it was stupid. It was such a big risk, and I just handed over this huge mess of things and now I'm full-fledged panic. I see it as this huge important thing and maybe T won't. I handed it over and have been waiting to talk about it forever. And now it's a time where I only see T 1x a week due to conflict in schedule. Bad timing... That was stupid...

I see T on Tuesday... So, another day and a half to go...

the timing makes it harder .... not stupid .... i'm glad it's getting closer to when you see your T

my guess is that ... your T knows how important this is to you ... because it is, very ... and that your big risk while being so painful right now; is going to be a really good thing when you can both look at it together

((((Stormy))))) Sharing our truth is the hardest thing we survivors ever do.
It is sometimes easier for us to tell ourselves that our past is "stupid" or "not important" because that is a part of denial. When we hand over the facts to another person and they tell us that it is "important" we are forced to acknowledge the situation in a different way. That can be more painful than knowing the story from our own safe point of view.

My anxiety is through the roof right now

I don't want to go to T. I don't want to face it. I've spent most of the day crying, curled in a ball, and have thrown up several times because when the anxiousness gets this high I get sick.

I'm feeling so small... So tiny... I want T to hold me and rock me and make all the scary feelings go away!

some days curling up is the only thing that feels safe ... even though you don't want to go, i'm glad you see your T soon and can then hopefully let her help you through this

Aww Stormy...your T knows how important this is to you and told you she read it almost right away so you know she thinks it's important to make it a priority like that. Please relax and trust in her and know that she will honour your work and you for giving it to her...

you are so brave and sensitive with such a big heart for all those around you...have it for yourself as well... What you did took such guts and tomorrow she will be there for you and will talk to you about it, and I'm sure she has cherished getting to know you better which is such a boon to her.

Take a nice hot bath and relax a bit and be proud of the wonderful work you have done and know in your heart that she will respect you for making such a incredible gift of yourself and sharing it with her...what a show of trust. She can do nothing but return that in spades...

Soft and gentle huggles,

Wysteria Blue

Wondering if you have had your session yet ...

How'd it go?

Hoping it went well today Stormy....

thinking of you, stormyangels.

I was up sick last night due to anxiety. It was horrible and I was exhausted.

Today my T was also sick and was only seeing me and one other client before canceling the rest and going home for the day.

I guess I saw that she doesn't hate me... But we didn't really talk about much other than her normalizing things very generally about what I wrote and how it's developmentally appropriate, etc. But we didn't get to talk and process much, which is a bit frustrating. Not that either of us could have in the state we were in.

I don't know. It's now like my fear is she won't even touch the content of it. I know she's not uncomfortable. We've talked about other things and she doesn't flinch. So I'm not sure what really the anxiety is... It's just its so BIG to me. For it just to be normalized, while good, also feels a bit... I don't know... Invalidating.

Too tired. Thanks for checking in though.

sorry T was sick as well so you weren't able to talk properly or get what you really needed from her this time .... I hope that next session you can talk about your letter more and come away feeling more validated and better about it all as well as looking at the things you wrote about in a way that lets you be heard and helped

stormy it sound like you gave your T a lot of info for both of you to digest.i bet it will take a lot more time than one session to process all that information.even in the best of situations not when both of you are feeling sick.i so hope you give it and yourself the time and attention it deserves