Went to therapy today. I got about 4 hours sleep last night because I was so worried about driving there by myself. I took a couple wrong turns, but I made it, and on time. I know I made it to be so much more of a big deal in my head than it actually was, but as a consequence I felt quite shaky when I arrived. I don't think T noticed. I gave her my homework, and she was like 'oh... I'll have to think about this and we'll work on it next week...' (It's a cognitive exercise called the Johari Window, and I think she was surprised at just how self-aware I am. I think she was expecting to go 'aha! See? This is how you think others see you, and this is how they really see you.' Scuppered! :P)

I'm trying hard not to feel down and disheartened after today's session. I think perhaps it's just that, as always, I had so much to say, so much I wanted to talk about, and I just feel so frustrated (with myself and this illness, not her.)

We had some intellectual conversation, about psychology/meds/depression etc, and my T was like 'you're obviously an intelligent young lady', and I was thinking 'I know, right, so why can't I sort my life out?'

I guess the session boiled down to:
(in a nutshell,) T: You need to get a job. I can't see how else you can move forward.
(in a nutshell,) Me: Yes, but I want a meaningful career, but I don't know what I want to do anymore, or how to get it, and I don't feel ready, and I HAD a job (and everything that goes with it) and I couldn't cope, I was a MESS, and I'm terrified of putting myself in that position again.

Sometimes I think to myself 'I'm sure we've been over this'... because I know what she's saying, I do. I know what I 'need' to do, in theory, but in practice, the depression and anxiety are crippling -- she may find it hard to imagine just how badly I get affected, she hasn't really witnessed me 'on the edge'... I feel like it doesn't matter how logical or illogical I know something to be, because there's some part of my brain not listening to logic, or to me!

GAHHHH! My T said something like 'So what are we going to do?' and I was just like 'I. don't. know.' What do I want her to do? What do I think she/we can do? Do I expect her to have all the answers?

If she weren't so measured and reasurring and T-like, I would see her frustration. She told me she wants me to feel better, to feel happy. I know she does. I know she genuinely wants to help me.

But, I’m left feeling kind of despondent. And I feel bad that she can see I'm despondent. She has been such a help to me this year, and I don't want to devalue that. She's a reassuring voice in my head, and this therapy is the only thing that has made any kind of difference to my bleak outlook at all - a ray of hope... but: sometimes I wonder if what I’m asking of her is to join me as I bang my head dully against a wall.

I guess it was just one of those sessions. My mood is just in a low place right now. I'm starting a new med, though, so I'm hoping for the best... this just might be a shaky few weeks.

She gave me more time than she needed to, and even so she seemed apologetic when she said 'Is it okay if we end there, I'm expecting someone.' I nodded, and used her reassuring smile trick back at her.

Maybe my expectations are too high for therapy as well as everything else It's not like I feel we get nowhere, I'm just impatient we can't do more, annoyed that the hour goes so fast, frustrated that I have so much invested in this one session every week and I need as much mileage out of it as I can get?!

Mehhhh!!

Thanks for reading, if you're still with me! I just needed to share.

[Sannah]

[Perna]

Maybe you should seriously sleep on it! Getting enough sleep can change help put things in better perspective. Work on eating and sleeping well!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Perna

Maybe you should seriously sleep on it! Getting enough sleep can change help put things in better perspective. Work on eating and sleeping well!

this is completely off topic, but I just wanted to jump in and thank you, Perna, because until I read your post I had forgotten about eating today.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I guess the session boiled down to:
(in a nutshell,) T: You need to get a job. I can't see how else you can move forward.
(in a nutshell,) Me: Yes, but I want a meaningful career, but I don't know what I want to do anymore, or how to get it, and I don't feel ready, and I HAD a job (and everything that goes with it) and I couldn't cope, I was a MESS, and I'm terrified of putting myself in that position again.

Sounds like you are not ready for a "career" just yet.

Perhaps a less "meaningful" job would also be less stressful. I can see that there might be some spiritual solace in mopping floors. A simple job well done, and then home.

Maybe my expectations are too high for therapy as well as everything else It's not like I feel we get nowhere, I'm just impatient we can't do more, annoyed that the hour goes so fast, frustrated that I have so much invested in this one session every week and I need as much mileage out of it as I can get?!

Yes, impatience, annoyance and frustration come from high expectations. It is difficult to lower your expectations ("And why should I? The world needs to shape up, not me!"), but it does lead to a calmer lifestyle.

"But I've seen what happens to people with no ambition and no standards." You've got plenty of room to lower your expectations without becoming a "deadbeat".

[kaliope]

congrats on driving on your own!!!!!!!

[pbutton]

Great job with the driving! I know how hard that can be. I am very meh with anxiety today so I don't have any sage words on the rest. Anxiety can bite me.

[Indie'sOK]

I just wanted to say that I so know how you feel. Really. I had a job for a whopping two months at a fast food restaurant and left because I couldn't handle the anxiety that came as a result of such catty workplace gossip. I don't know how to find a job that has less of that.

Off-topic here a little, but just wanted to let you know that I care

Thanks for caring, all of you I was really having a bad day. I hope this didn't sound like I was dissing my T, or therapy... Just really frustrated at myself. Really anxious, negative, pessimistic mood! I'm feeling a little better now, I've just got back from town - had a few drinks and a meal with a mate, took my mind off my 'life' for a bit! So glad I can access wifi in her house because she's now asleep and I know I'll be awake for hours...

The job situation is hard to explain -- but let's just say I've done the minimum wage dead end type job thing (got it as a 'temporary' stop gap when I graduated university and ended up staying for 4 years because I couldn't find anything else in my field (design) -- the job market is so bad. A less 'meaningful' job can be just as stressful, if not moreso, in my experience. There are different types of stress. Thing is, it didn't occupy my mind, didn't fulfil me, I knew I'd never get promoted, most days I got treated like rubbish, I was being put upon and humiliated, and the whole situation really added to my anxiety and depression to the point I started to crumble, but the more I did, the harder they came down on me. It got so bad that I was having panic attacks every morning, crying uncontrollably, and cutting all day in my office to try and cope. Turns out 'bored to tears' isn't just a turn of phrase. Ended up having a breakdown. Lost everything I'd fought so hard to keep, and had to move back home with my dad.

I'm a very capable person, I feel that I need a career I care about, not just a 'job' -- I'm so sick of selling myself short. I can't live that way anymore. I need a reason to want to get out of bed in the morning, not a reason to hope I never wake up.

I just don't know what to do now.

[learning1]

i had a bunch of deadend jobs after college in one field. i ended up trying a job in a different field that I didn't think I wanted and it turned out to be better than I thought. so if you can't get a job in the field you want, that's just an idea. probably you're already considering that anyway. fields that have reputations for nice people are good

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by learning1

fields that have reputations for nice people are good

Such as? Tell me more!