"Could not feel for the fear in my life"

Seriously - WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!??? Sent T an email today alerting her to the fact that I have written a letter I thought I wanted to read aloud in session tomorrow. Now I won't be able to change my mind. I have checked email for a reply no less than 15 times since I sent my email. T is great with boundaries and I'm certain is enjoying her holiday. I don't blame her one bit. It doesn't make me any less crazy though. So now she knows about the letter. I have it written. I've practiced reading it four times. It takes me 30 - 40 minutes to get through it. Our session is only 50 minutes. What if I don't get through it all tomorrow? How will that work? "What ifs" are not my friends.

This letter spills all these things I have never told anyone. HUGE things. Embarrassing, humiliating things. It is like I am reintroducing myself tomorrow. The real me. The ugly one I hate living with every day of my pathetic life. Chest pains. Really? I am so afraid. I don't know how I will make it the next 24 hours. The nerves are going to just keep building. I already feel like I'm going to hurl. I think the worst part is it will be hanging in the air when I walk into the room tomorrow like a dead skunk. This fear, inadequacy, overwhelming terror. I don't think I'm going to be able to look in her eyes.

Why does the taking off the mask and laying your soul bare have to feel so horrible? What if it doesn't go well tomorrow? How will I ever walk in that room again? When did I become this person?

Somebody help me take it all back.


"I don't really want to live this life."
Meet Virginia - Train

Oh my goodness, I have been there. I know exactly what you're feeling. The fear is overwhelming, isn't it? But, let me tell you from my own experience. Our therapists accept us for who we are and will continue to accept us. So many times I've thought I'd need to quit because I could not face that person who knew so much bad about myself. The agony of taking off the mask. Oh, I know that feeling so well. My T accepts me totally and yours will too.

As far as time is concerned in session tomorrow - would you like to break up the reading into sections so not all is covered in one session? That would give you time to process what you need to at the time and then leave the rest for future sessions. Just an idea.

Hey there,

*nice deep breathing*...it's ok hun

Please remember you have done absolutely nothing wrong by sending the email, so you don't need to worry about that.

You still are in completely control over what you choose to disclose to your therapist, even with her knowing about the letter. If you decide its not the right time to read the letter tomorrow, I am sure if you tell your therapist this, she will be fine with it. although it sounds like a part of you wants to be pushed into reading it and it was that part that wrote the email?
It sounds like there is a lot of things in your letter that are big issues.
How would you feel about breaking down one issue at a time? would that be any easier to cope with?

Remember you don't have to cover the entire letter in one session and since the letter is so long perhaps its best to decide what part you want to cover tomorrow and just deal with one part so that you have time to talk about that part and perhaps get some support with it before the session ends?

I worry that if you go in with so many big issues and only have 10 minutes to talk after the letter that you won't have time to process anything and you may leave your session in a state of distress over it. It's likely though you wont get the whole letter covered as I can imagine your therapist will stop you every so often to ask questions, thus why it might be best to do a little at a time??

***huge hugs**** I hope the session goes well for you

skysblue and dizgirl - Thank you both for the suggestion of breaking the letter up into smaller pieces. I will give that some serious consideration. I guess I feel like I need to rip it off like a band-aid. I feel like I've been holding on to some of these things so long that I have to jump while I feel brave. I feel really conflicted right now.

Perhaps you could go into the session and actually tell your therapist basically everything you have said in this post really....like how you feel scared about the letter, how you have read it through and it will take up a lot of the session, your conflicting feelings about it all etc, that way she will know what this all means for you and she may be able to give advice and more support??

OMG, I've emailed similar things to my pdoc then not gone to see her for a month

You don't have to make a firm decision ahead of time. Maybe just see how the session goes.

*sigh*

I just keep digging. I can't help myself.

*hangs head*
*face palm*

I sent T another email. I thought maybe if she knew the thoughts in my head about the letter and it's hugeness maybe she will be better prepared to handle me tomorrow. I'm sure tomorrow will be good times. Good times indeed.

"T -
So yeah, this letter I have written has taken on a life of its own. Easily 35 minutes without interruptions and that's the short version. I feel rather committed to reading it aloud. Like there might be something to gain from me speaking the words and hearing myself say them to you. I am not sure why I have the need to purge all these thoughts at once. I don't think I trust myself to wait and talk about things a little at a time. I feel like if I can get it all out then maybe I won't have to be so scared of revisiting it later because you will already know my secrets. Or maybe it is that if I am going to go out on a limb and bring up difficult topics I might as well ride the wave and only worry about working myself up once. It has also crossed my mind that perhaps this is just a clever way to divert my attention from the bigger picture of getting my medical test results back Wednesday.

(And if you really want inside my head I will tell you that I am obsessing over the fact that I can't find a "proper" way to transition from the first paragraph to this one and it is driving me crazy.) My growing concern this evening is the aftermath when I'm finished. What if I get through the entire thing and there is no time left to process any of it? What if there is time and I have pushed myself too far and I am too scared to talk about anything? What if we stop along the way and I don't get all of it out at once and I walk out kicking myself for once again holding back on things I want to say?

I am sorry. I don't want to be this person and I most definitely don't want to let her out of my head. "

I read my letter. I feel better for getting my thoughts out there and not trapped in my head. T was very gentle and understanding. I am lucky to have her.

SO glad to hear that you followed through with reading the letter to your T....and that your T was gentle with you. Great work!!

Congratulations. So you had time to get through it all? Yaaay!! Was there enough time to process any of it? Anyway, I'm happy for you.

awsome!! now i hope you will be able to spend some time with T to process what was said in the letter.maybe little bits at a time each session

When I got there I had what can only be considered a verbal seizure. I couldn't get words out, was tripping over the ones I could get out, and T was clueless. She had not gotten either of my emails. I didn't clarify that I had sent her an email, because I didn't want her to feel bad about not getting them. So I had to fill her in on the fact that I had written a letter and that I was having second thoughts about reading it. She said it was up to me. I decided to read it because if I didn't I know I would have left being very upset with myself. I chose to read the shorter version that dealt more with issues and not so much back story.

I asked if I would be reading it straight through or if she would be stopping to ask questions. She said she was willing to just listen. I took a few deep breaths and dove in. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't imagine how overwhelmed I would feel at times actually saying these things that I don't share with anyone. There were moments where it felt like I couldn't breathe and I had to stop to catch my breath. There were other moments when I couldn't even see the word because my eyes were filled with tears. I have never shed a tear in session so showing even that much emotion was a big thing for me. I ended my letter with "I am lost. And now that I have written all these words down and said them out loud, looking at you is going to be huge and scary."

I got through the short version in about 30 minutes and when I finally looked up T had tears in her eyes and said, "Thank you for sharing that with me. I hear a lot of sadness. I may cry. I do that."

I was very tense and fidgeting the rest of the session. We were able to talk for a while actually. She let me go five minutes over and she never does that. I think we at least touched on each of the big topics briefly enough so that I knew she heard what I said and I guess kind of validated the things we would be working on. We talked about my feelings revolving around a doctors appointment I had today where I received the results of a series of tests I have been undergoing for the last three weeks. She asked what time my appointment was and said she'd be thinking of me.

And now I don't know. I left feeling accomplished. I did what I set out to do and I feel relief that I don't have the stress of wanting to say those things and not doing it week after week. Today as I sat with it I felt this overwhelming fear of HOW. How will we work through all these things which seem so huge to me? I have a real problem with wanting to run through therapy. I know that is not possible. That I need to make slow steady changes and give myself time. For instance I am trying to give up all my negative coping devices at the same time. Obviously it is not going well. I feel like such a failure. But I'm the one that made these black and white rigid restrictions so I am failing myself.

I wrote in my letter that I don't know how T can help me if I can't help myself. So now I just don't know. I am really struggling. Today I got to thinking about the fact that T only knows me in that room. She only gets to hear my ugly thoughts and self-hatred. How does she believe that I am a decent person? She has no other data to base that decision on. I am so confused.

To make matters worse the doctors appointment did not really go well today and if I am being completely honest I am quite devastated right now. With my depression every day since April I have felt like I want to cry, but never allow it. Tonight it doesn't matter what I do the tears keep escaping no matter how hard I try to hold them back. I had to leave the house so my husband wouldn't see.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so lost, hurt, and alone. I guess to stick to what this thread was about - I am glad I read my letter. I do not regret it in the least. T was great. I have opened myself up to work on healing my hurts, but those words seem hollow to me right now.

Woke up today to everything grey
And all that I saw just kept going on and on
Sweep all the pieces under the bed
Close all the curtains and cover my head
And what you wish for won't come true
You aren't surprised love, are you?
Guster - What You Wish For

Sorry. That got way longer than I thought it would.

And now I don't know. I left feeling accomplished. I did what I set out to do and I feel relief that I don't have the stress of wanting to say those things and not doing it week after week. Today as I sat with it I felt this overwhelming fear of HOW. How will we work through all these things which seem so huge to me? I have a real problem with wanting to run through therapy. I know that is not possible. That I need to make slow steady changes and give myself time. For instance I am trying to give up all my negative coping devices at the same time. Obviously it is not going well. I feel like such a failure. But I'm the one that made these black and white rigid restrictions so I am failing myself.

I wrote in my letter that I don't know how T can help me if I can't help myself. So now I just don't know. I am really struggling. Today I got to thinking about the fact that T only knows me in that room. She only gets to hear my ugly thoughts and self-hatred. How does she believe that I am a decent person? She has no other data to base that decision on. I am so confused.

To make matters worse the doctors appointment did not really go well today and if I am being completely honest I am quite devastated right now. With my depression every day since April I have felt like I want to cry, but never allow it. Tonight it doesn't matter what I do the tears keep escaping no matter how hard I try to hold them back. I had to leave the house so my husband wouldn't see.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so lost, hurt, and alone. I guess to stick to what this thread was about - I am glad I read my letter. I do not regret it in the least. T was great. I have opened myself up to work on healing my hurts, but those words seem hollow to me right now.

Woke up today to everything grey
And all that I saw just kept going on and on
Sweep all the pieces under the bed
Close all the curtains and cover my head
And what you wish for won't come true
You aren't surprised love, are you?
Guster - What You Wish For[/quote]

Wow Silent Lucidity...

You just had a hell of a day didn't you...no wonder you are overwhelmed and doubting all that happened...

First, I'm sorry that your doctor's appt did not go well and that the results were not what you hoped they'd be as far as I can gather...My heart and thoughts are with you as you process that information and what it entails...often these things can be awfully scary until also paired with a good game plan for healing and treatment and good information..

In terms of what happened with your T, I'm so proud of you for going ahead and reading the letter even though at first you had a rocky start and it was so incredibly hard...she obviously heard you and was affected by what she heard and honoured you and what you had written in her feelings and in that she touched upon the most significant parts directly...you have a very gifted and wonderful healer...you are blessed in that.

Our expectations are often what create our disappointments and you seem to realize that yours may be a bit high for how much you can bite off and chew right away...I would hope that you would continue to trust in your T that she will guide you through the process of beginning to deal with the issues you brought up and at what tempo and how much at a time you both can handle. I do hope though that you email her right away as to your test results and what they mean for you so that she can help you process this directly and because she cares about you and wants to know..

You have dealt with an awful lot today, and I hope you will be kind to yourself and grieve as you need to, and heal and soothe yourself in any ways that you know how. I hated to hear that you couldn't let your husband help soothe you as well. Perhaps a nice bubble bath and a good night's sleep will help some and some journaling to help you process it all...and a lot of gentleness to yourself tomorrow as it all begins to sink in...You took some big steps forward and backwards today both, and I imagine it must be terribly unsettling and scary for you..

Most gentle and soothing huggles for you tonight...and healing light and energy to you...

WB

(((((Silent))))) I'm so sorry to hear you Drs. appt didn't go well :-(

I do think that was really brave of you to both write and read your letter to your T. When in therapy my T hadn't recieved my emails either and I was in your situation where I had to bring up what I wrote in an email and she had no clue.

I think your T is awesome btw as how she sounds very empathetic. Having a connection with a good T can be the most healing experience (IMO speaking from experience).

I wish you a healthy turnaround and a speedy recovery.

Keep us posted!

((((((((silent)))))))) so brave to be able to read you letter to t and i am glad she was gentle with you. that can help so much. i feel sooo safe when t is gentle.