How does talking help?

The last few sessions I've been trying to tell the same story which took a lot of time because I kept breaking down during it. Now the outline at least is told although there is a lot more that could be said, I've talked and talked and talked, but has it helped? and how? Those things I spoke about are still there in my head and much more real right now; I don't have any solutions or answers to the questions I still have; my T listened and is understanding and made some comments but the only immediate result I can see is a feeling of increased clingyness to my T and that everything seems more raw and louder.

So does it help?

Can I make what happened feel or be more than it feels like it was by doing something with it now away from him?

or was it a waste of money and time (both his and mine)?

I want to do something with it, I don't know what though. Please help?

Maybe at the moment it just feels like things happening all over again

Do you know what kind of training your T has? what happens next depends a lot on their training.

tiger girl maybe it isnt the talking that it is about but maybe the next step is being willing to feel the feelings about what you are talking about ti accept and to let go

You are just beginning and the process is unfolding. Right now at the beginning it doesn't feel beneficial but that doesn't mean that it isn't. That feeling might come and go, but other feelings will come along too.

I came to post but Granite has it, talking and feeling the story.
Feeling "clingy" towards T is okay, isn't it? For comfort, empathy?
Sorry, I'm a little out of it tonite, but I wanted to be with you.

when I talk about stuff to my therapist, it often feels like peeling back layers... getting stuff out of the way that's covering deeper stuff. When it comes to talking in therapy (esp. with a good therapist), I feel that every little bit helps.... even tho it doesn't always feel like it.

Jamie Pennebaker's book on the disclosure of emotions and why we feel better (eventually) when we do it is pretty illuminating: http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Hea.../dp/1572302380

For me, I find that there is a certain rawness that I identify with what you said, for a certain period of time. It does seem that by speaking it out loud I have given voice to something that used to be much quieter (duh!). But at the same time, even if it is further down the road in time, the rawness gives way to something more peaceful, as if I have taken the punch out of it by speaking or naming it, or maybe just domesticated the wild beast of it a little bit. I do know for sure that I have never, ever been sorry that I shared something in T, because my T's have always honored my disclosures with empathy, validation, understanding, kindness, tenderness, etc, and those things, when I have accepted them, have also transformed the wild beast into a more domesticated creature, one that I can live with and who doesn't tear up my "house."

When we speak up, we also create a window or a door or both in the silence that is really what keeps us more of a prisoner in our own stuff. I am quite sure that I have suffered more as a result of the silence that I have lived with than anytime I have talked openly about what hurts.

I realize that I am just rambling on and on. I have had the experience of reliving something just by talking about it, but the good news about talking about it is that I have the perspective that I've already lived through it to talk about. So, it's really not the same. Over time, there develops an ever-widening gap between the original hurt and the hurt that is relived. I can't really explain how that happens or what you do with "it." I feel like I want to say to you, that I promise you will in the not too distant future look back at this and realized that this transformation has happened.

And you won't really be able to explain it either. Keep talking.

Anne

thanks omers, he has extensive training in basically many different therapy styles including cbt and behavioural therapy, but mostly now works with a kind of more gestalt / body-focused style

thanks granite; i think mostly i want to know if he can help (and not just if, but will) relating to what I talked about although i'm sure feeling and accepting and letting go all figure in there as well

thanks echoes i really want it to be beneficial

hankster, i really appreciate that and hope you feel better soon ... the clingy is comfort but also a sense of if I don't hold on I'll drown or get swept away ... is that ok?

so it helps even when it doesn't "feel" like it does? because it's peeling ... thanks rainbow rose. It was just so much talking I want it to have been for a reason

(anne i'm replying to you still )

I originally said:
"when I talk about stuff to my therapist, it often feels like peeling back layers... getting stuff out of the way that's covering deeper stuff. When it comes to talking in therapy (esp. with a good therapist), I feel that every little bit helps.... even tho it doesn't always feel like it."

Yeah ... one session, I brought up a topic that I was struggling with and my therapist redirected it toward another topic and we ended up with a session talking about something that I thought was a total waste of time, but what it later ended up being (after the session was over) was about my reaction to her redirecting the topic and dealing with the feelings that came up and my learning something from it. so all that 'waste of time talking' wasn't really a waste of time - even though it felt like it. ... does that make sense?

Anne, thanks for rambling because I needed to read every part of your ramble. I like the thought of taming the wild beast inside, or perhaps just quietening it down a little ... so if talking does that in time, then it has value. I don't regret talking, it's more a sense of several things including was he the right one to talk with, how he will handle what I shared, if it was talked about and now that's it or will it be explored further, and will it lead to the help that I want or is that I talked even helpful in itself. Lots of questions keep coming to mind beyond what I started with earlier. Thanks again

It makes a lot of sense ... and helps. So even though the act of talking about what I did may not have been the help I wanted it to be (or doesn't feel that yet, but that could and is changing as I work through this) other things I take away for it have made it worthwhile. Like I know I trust him more now; that at the time of talking it felt so comfortable to do even when it was hard and so on and that the feeling of comfort was welcoming

I do like to live in my head and need to have a theory / understanding to accept things. For me I wonder if talking about it works (eventually) as this uses a different side of the brain.

tigergirl - I think that we may have certain expectations that are not realistic. Talking about our struggles is part of the long (for me anyways) journey to Self. I don't believe for a second that it's a waste of time. Whether you were able to feel a noticeable affect or not, there WAS an affect. I am convinced of that. You made that step which allows you now to take the next step and the next and the next. Oh, you remember what we're told over and over again - "Trust the process." Now, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has protested the 'process' because it's too d*mn slow. But, it's becoming obvious to me that's the only way.

Now, I'm not talking about the cognitve therapies which I'm not familiar with but mostly the humanistic/psychodynamic which hope to get deep into our interior. So, that excavation begins with picking up the shovel and then then one shovelful after another.

Congrats!! You have begun.

Hey Tigergirl..

I agree with a lot of what has already been said..
Also, I think that anytime that you can shine the light of discovery on the darker emotions and fears and bring them up for real examination and reflection with a T who can help redirect your thoughts and catch common thinking errors, you will disseminate much of their punch and take away their power over you. T's can also help you separate some of the emotions from the memory so that they can be brought back up again without being so devastating every time depending upon the T's background and training...

Also by having someone listen and accept your story and your feelings, you are validated, and they are ok just as they are and put into perspective, and you are not alone with them any more which brings a great deal of comfort both in the sharing and knowing that you are not the only one on earth with this dilemma or fear..

Finally, a T can can help you learn techniques to better handle the outpouring of emotions that can come up and how to self-soothe when you become overwhelmed or deal with panic attacks or whatever as well as helping you learn how to communicate your story or your emotions in a way that is helpful not harmful. Also they can help you with interpersonal skills and learning how to deal with the others in your life by dealing with them first in a safe environment as you reveal your stories and learn how and when it is appropriate to disclose yourself.

Of course, I'm just still learning a lot of this myself..but these are just some of the things I know that my T is working on with me...now whether or not it always works or whether or not I always listen and behave is a whole 'nother matter...lol..

Good luck with your T and with your journey and healing...

Safe therapeutic huggles..lol

WB

Hey tigergirl... no worries, the journey is just beginning. T will help guide you to the next step but it is important to set the frame early of not rushing things... they need to unfold in their own time.

Wysteria said most of the things that I wanted to post - couple of things to add if OK

** hearing your own voice telling the story of your own life is healing. You understand even in the moment that you're not going to have to carry all that alone any more. And it's worth a lot. when you speak out loud the scary things that have been lurking inside you, their power is lessened. If the person you tell doesn't run screaming, you may be surprised at first, but later on the surprise turns to thoughtfulness.

** If you begin to find yourself more & more focused on yr T, don't worry about it - from what I have read here during my time on PC, it's a phase and will pass. Normal, useful, temporary.

** keep going

I'm sorry..I talk too much...Would have been much better had you said them to her..you are much wiser than I am...I hope next time you'll just "talk over me" and say them again a better way that she would understand much more clearly...I know I don't always say things in the best ways...

With much respect,

WB

there should have been such a someone there for you the first time around, to protect you, for you to cling to, to prevent these things from happening to you. maybe that's why we feel like such klingons now? I like your imagery of drowning or getting swept away. some part of you sees T as your lifeguard now.

p.s. co-inkydink: my t told me recently that he used to be a lifeguard. I guess that's why he doesn't mind me hanging all over him, help me!

You have so many good replies already! I'd like to add that talking allows your T to hear your experiences and your approaches and reactions to those experiences. By talking to or with your T, the T can target irrational thinking, which can later be corrected (after your story is told.)

T's are trained to listen, they are trained in how to listen. Your T can watch and see if your body language matches the words you say... i.e. you might share something and then say but it's okay...yet your body says you're tense and angry over the situation, etc.

Talking also helps to sort the truth, the rational thoughts out. If we have events from childhood, then all we have are our memories (generally) of them. The brain/mind doesn't store memories totally correctly, plus, as children we store memories from a child's point of view, which may not be accurate at all. A T, while not minimizing any event, can help review events and help you find an adult point of view on them.

You've begun a good journey. It won't be easy; therapy is work. It will be worth it.

Its not just you talking that is the "solution" , its your therapist containing all your fears/anxietys that are brought up by the talking that helps you also eventually resolve how the images and thoughts you have lived with heal. Ie, you feel hopeless in your post here, and that feeling will be "held" for you by your therapist. Yet again its something best experienced then explained.

Wysteria, why all the apologies? you were right on target, I thought. Please don't ever hesitate to post on PC!!!!!

JD - wow thanks, you have given me a lot to think about during my dark times (we all have them).

Tigergirl....... how you doing today?

soup, i get a bit confused with the using the different side of our brains stuff ... meaning I can never remember which side is meant to do what that's interesting that the talking is different to the not-talking as far as where it takes place in our minds

sky, that's so true about finding the process so incredibly slow at times, even while we both know it's the only way shoveling ... ok

wysteria, thanks for what you shared ... and what you and omers both pointed out as far as the therapists training and how that makes things different from where talking takes us .. helps knowing and remembering that. Also you picked up on something that is important (was important?) The not wanting to be alone with what is in my head. I just wonder why it feels lonelier now instead As far as what you said later; what you wrote was good, please don't apologise for it

thanks omers unfolding is a good word to remember

sawe, thanks. He didn't run screaming, or go anywhere; so that might be a good thing to remember. I really hope so also on the phase passing

hankster, thanks. That's neat your T used to be a lifeguard and now you can add that image in of hanging on to the lifeguard

JD, thanks that's what I really want him to do; help me to target what is irrational. To sort through the mess and see what is salvageable and to help in how to remove what is much better off gone.

thanks earthmamma the containing word is perfect

sawe, I second what you say about wysteria being right on target thanks for asking how I am as well; even though it's now a few days later I am still really wondering on if what I spoke about was wise, and where we will go from here; talk about it more or leave it and go somewhere else. I don't know what to do with it all really

It's more the listening to myself talk that helped me; that's why T is there, to try to amplify and "direct" some things back at you so you can see connections between your thoughts, words, actions and your problems and situations easier.