i forgot

i kept myself so busy this past week that i forgot i wrote my T a pretty nasty letter.it is kind of personal so i really don't want to share it but to sum it up it talks about her always asking me to trust her and how i never will and how i have no idea how and never will etc...it wasn't said kindly.

just now i remembered i sent it to her and she will be reading it today.why do i have to be so impulsive and stupid.i needed to just let it go.but no not me i need to just jump in and make things worse.after all I'm so good at this.

last time i sent her a letter she didn't even acknowledge that i had sent her one i hope she will do the same with this one.i am panicked again and am so scared she will say fine that don't come see me anymore,i swear it sounded like she was close to saying that last week also.maybe it isn't such a bad idea.

i don't know what i am really looking for here.i know i will go to my session and all.i always do but god i am so tired of all this anger and discomfort i am feeling.i want her to help me learn how to trust but she wont.all she does is say i need to figure out a way to feel safe.i just don't know how.I'm getting angry just thinking about it even now.i don't know how to do anything but i am good at doing nothing and waiting for the situation to change .it always does.anger passes but than always comes back

i don't think she would believe me if i told her i don't have any idea how to trust.last time she brought it up she said as a child and baby i had no choice but to trust.i so hated her saying that.it wasn't true i didn't trust as a child at all and as a baby i was Dependant not trustful at all. she was so frustrated with me then.I'm scared she will be totally frustrated again if she decides to bring this up again.i cant just decide to trust her.and she doesn't show me how at all.how can i know how if she doesn't show me how.it is crazy.

I feel exactly like this. I get this thing in my head then e-mal T, then cringe and want to retrieve it, get anxious before the session to find T doesn't even mention it. This week I e-mailed T to say I don't trust him and don't know if I ever can and think I shoudl quit. I guess T's know our turmoil don't they? I am sure your T will understand and know how hard it may be for you to go to the session knowing you have sent this e-mail. They are paid professionals and on some level I am sure we must trust them, otherwise why do we keep going?

Take care today, these feelings will pass - thinking of you - Soup

I think your "t" will understand and not take it personally. Remember she is a Professional and has probably got letters like that.... Yes it was impulsive but so what? It was how you felt at that time. That is o.k.!!
All "t" got from that letter was how bad you were hurting and what issues really were bothering you.
You did alright!!

I do not totally trust my T. I am trying. Reading the book Getting through the day by nancy napier is really helping. My T said she does not expect me to trust her quickly because of my past. She exposed me several weeks ago and now I am back to square one with the trust issue. I do not trust her enough to email or communicate outside of session. I am determined never to contact her outside of session just in case she hurts me if she does not respond like I would want her to. I think people with trauma stuff just have extra stuff to process before we can trust.

my T doesnt let me e-mail her because of my unwillingness to talk durring session so she said she didnt want it taking the place of talking to her .i send her letters snail mail sometimes and this is what i did the last time i did she didnt bring it up at all.i am hoping this time she does the same because i cant handle her being angry at me.i just want so bad for her to show me how to trust if she wants me to .

i really hope so it was kind of a stupid thing i did and hope she doesnt get to angry at it

thanks laceylu,my T keeps using the word trama.it makes my stomach turn when she does.i dont like thinking about it at all.but i do hope she will understand that it was just something stupid and impulsive that i did.

but it seems like after you wrote the letter, then you got busy and cleaned house, and you posted here that T would be proud of you, so maybe by writing the letter you cleaned house in your mind first. I think you are just taking back control of your therapy. You had written the pink and red story, and were making progress. Then she tried to steer things her way and you got lost. Now you wrote this letter and you seem back on track. She might need to "help" a little less. I get the impression a lot of the T's of people on here are very directive, really have an agenda for each session. My T is the total opposite of that, as far as I can tell. BTW, you inspired me to clean house too. I intend to tell my T I gave myself the best gift ever - I finally attacked the kitchen sink. It was pretty bad, even for messy me!

Well, in my experience the key element of trust is courage. If trusting this therapist is something that you want to do - and only you can decide that - then you will have to agree to face that risk.

I think what kills us is NOT the trusting part, but the "dabbling" part - where we are half in, half out. We trust a little, get scared, back out, hurt from the separation, then start the cycle all over again.

If you want to trust, then you've got to learn to feel that fear of being hurt, and go forward anyway.

nothing like the feel of a clean kitcheni think my husband was shocked at how much cleaning i did.i think all i want right now is for my T to show me how to be what she wants becaust i dont know how.i know she was happy to get the letter i sent about the differnt parts of me but now she wants me to be able to work with it without giving me any idea what she wants other than to trust her and i dont know how to do that

maybe i can talk to her about this fear but i dont know if she will understand it..so so seem to get that feeling of a small amt of trust and then pulling away.i do this because i dont even trust that that small amount of trust is real.idk i just wish i had a trust butten so i could just turn it on i think then my T would like me better

Do you feel that your T is impatient granite?

im not sure maybe she is i just cant figure her out .she seem to get frustrated with me a lot like she thinks i can do a lot more than i am.like trusting her.i can see why she would be frustrated but i really am trying and i dont think she sees this at all.if she would only show me what she wants maybe i could work on it.im no less frustrated at all and scared

(((((((((((Granite))))))))))))

Trust is so hard. I still often get anxious going into my T sessions. Even though we have worked on trust A LOT. It is still really scary. Trust is a long process. And it is totally okay to go back and forth on trust.

How do you know that she is frustrated? What do you see her doing that gives you this message?

granite, remember the "teaspoon of trust" ?
Your showing up is a lot more than that. Take it as it comes; no one can ask you to do more than you can do.
coming along if OK

I have known my T since 2004, seen him for 5 years, I only started really trusting him in the past couple of months. Tell your T that patience is a virtue!

i think it is just her mannerisms or how she talks or what she says so i cant really give you any examples.heck i don't even know if it is just me feeling this way.like googly says going back and forth.it isn't like i don't care about her parentally i do weather i want to or not otherwise i don't think i would be so messed up about all this

swe i do remember the teaspoon of trust,i cant believe you dothank you.i guess this is all she wants and i am trying to give it to her but it is so hard.i just am so awkward at trust i just don't know how

wow learning to trust is so not easy at all.why does she just seem to want me to snap my fingers without even have any idea.who knows

i sure am good at going back and forth

I often have a trust conversation with t. Every few months, she says I do not seem to trust her at all and I respond that from my side it seems like the trust I do have is more than any rational person would have based on the limited time, one sided nature and dead flat bizarre set up of therapy itself.

one of the things i asked my hubby is how can i trust someone i have known for such a short time and he responded i asked you to marry me after a year.so i guess the time thing isnt always the case

I'm trying to think about why I trust my T. For me, it may be that I need to ask her repeatedly if it's okay to talk about anything, or is something TMI. She always answers "absolutely", it's okay to talk about whatever it is. She seems like she's right there with me, not up on a pedestal. She's compassionate and I can tell by her facial expressions that she cares. Those things make me trust her with my secrets.

I don't have a history of NOT trusting, though. I understand why it's so hard for you, granite. It's going to come, but slowly. When you look (if you ever do) at your T, does she look like she cares about you and is interested in you? I know there's more to trust, but that can be a start.

I had forgotten about your "teaspoonful' of trust. See if you can try that. It's only a teaspoon! I hope you have a productive session.

ha ha! Good answer!!!

writing about my session.dont know what it will be

Granite your t may be indeed getting frustrated with you. At one point when I was going through at lot of ruptures with my t you asked me if therapy worked at all for me. That was kindof a wake up call that something needed to change in me inorder for things to progress. I am wondering if you may be in this same position? Ts do get frustrated with clients who come to therapy and then don't talk. What good can a t really do if they can't communicate with their clients? My t says that he will get very discouraged and angry with a client who after some time refuses to be vulnerable and work hard to change. My DBT leaders have gotten frustrated with me because they say that I give them nothing to work with. Now your fear is a phobia. But it is not logical that you would be afraid in t after this much time. I do get that it is emotional mind here. But how can you access your wise mind?It is not like you are in a dark ally with people coming after you. You know you are not going to get hurt. You know you are not in danger. Yes you may have fear about her saying something that would hurt you but haven't you seen after all these times that she has your best intentions at heart? I know a lot of people give you much encouragement here and tell you that you can only do so much but I am challanging you to do more. There is a saying in therapy that clients are doing the best they can but they need to try harder. I am just saying this because I care about you and don't want you to stay stuck where you are at because it sounds like you are in a painful spot. I hope you don't get too upset by my post I know that it wasn't the most comforting message.