T session yesterday....

Had my session with T yesterday and talked to him about the two major points that led to my crazed spiral the other night....my friend calling me an idiot, and my strong feelings of not wanting to share T with others.

It was a good session....I shed a lot of tears...We are trying to understand it, and there's more work to do with it, but I tried to be open about it in order to learn from it. I'm scared to have another episode like that.

When I talked to T about not wanting to share him in group T, he told me to not be critical of myself - as it has a deeper meaning that we haven't gotten to yet. And that the feelings may not make sense, or may seem a certain way. It was so hard to talk about it. SO hard.

After the session, I started thinking about it some more....The feelings that triggered the spiral were something along the lines of me longing to be cared for, to feel valued, to feel loved and wanted....and then another part of me criticized those feelings, saying that no one could possibly care about me, I'm too repulsive, too unworthy, SO less than....leaving me feeling crushed, and ultimately numb....This is a pattern I go through.

I then recalled that much of my life, my family was so supportive of my sister - and I was the 'black sheep'. So, I did not have anyone to rely on for care and support when I was going through the traumas I endured throughout my life - the CSAs, SAs, the beatings, verbal/emotional abuse. So, I reminded myself of how unworthy I was, and usually suppressed those painful longings for love by SI'ing.

T did mention in the session that I have never in my life had a supportive, encouraging, caring, nurturing influence in my life - and now I do, and somehow that elicits anger at not having it exclusively for me. And I do not yet have the ability to be gentle and soothe myself.

I wonder how much of the life experience I just mentioned has to do with it. Hmm.

I'm still feeling a bit spiraly, but less so now that I talked with T about it.

sounds like it was a good session, mixedup_emotions. Sorry about the spiraly feeling.

WOW! Excellent work!!

glad you are feeling a bit less spiraly.you T seems to know you so well

Well done! I never quite got that far. T had to say it to ME.

Wow, Mixed Up Emotions,

You really did a great job looking at all that your T said to you and bringing in other experiences and making it all very real. Kudos to you!!
I guess now the question remains, how can you better deal with your feelings of resentment of sharing your T when they do surface? Your T sounds super wonderful and very intuitive and insightful, and you are really blessed to have him. I felt that way a few times, but realized that I was so very lucky to have him, that I wanted to share him with other people that hurt as much as I did. That made it feel better for me. Kind of like I made the choice myself. Also just having someone in my life that truly cared and wants me to heal is such a rare gift that I don't won't to mess it up... I think you are going to work this out no problem. Good luck in your group therapy as well.

Great job with your T!! Sounds like you guys are a great team.

Wysteria Blue

The puzzling thing about my spirals is that T doesn't seem to be able to stop them. The spirals usually take about a month, so she has plenty of opportunity.

Eventually I decide that whatever I'm doing isn't working, and I look for a radical new strategy. In the past, that often meant quitting. But not this time. This time I decided to talk less and listen more.

Maybe next time I'll recognise the spiral sooner, break out of it sooner, and in a more constructive way.