[mcl6136]

All,

Please forgive if this thread is outside the purview of therapy forum...but I thought I'd try...Also, the idea of going "home" might be a trigger for those, like me, who venture into their family of origin only with great dread.

As some of you have surmised, I've been in therapy off and on for a long time (three different Ts who were great, a few that were okay and a recent really tough T relationship). Basically, if it weren't for therapy, I would not be sitting here, typing this. I've had my struggles with E.D. S. I, you name it.....and therapy has saved my life.

I have just extracted myself (rather gracefully, I'd like to think) from a less-than-ideal T relationship. Now I finally feel ready to move on and seek a new T. I feel that I have the energy, money and zest to do some more "work" on spiritual issues, as well as issues of intimacy/relationship. That's where I want my life to head..into that territory! The old T (who I've dubbed Cold Distant T) actually DID help me get past some "stuff" regarding work and money, so I've already re-framed that relationship with old T as a partial success. It was more of a mismatch of approaches than anything, and I have been feeling, well, a tad optimistic!

I was hoping to get a new T, pick up where I left off with old.T..and tackle my longstanding issues (spirituality and relationship). All was fine -- until I spent the weekend with my zany family of origin.

Holy c$#@P!


My brother is dealing with some significant issues of psychosis and my parents are actively afraid of him --thinking he may want to harm them and they're old!....other three siblings are in total denial. I returned home from the trip feeling completely shut down, freaked, depressed (reactively) and needing help...bumped off my path of therapy by my nutty family of origin....AGAIN!!!! Now it feels like my T will be overtaken, once again, by my nutty clan and all of the strange vibes they hand out so well but refuse to heal. Their house is like a horrible dark cave.

Acck!

My question is:

Can anyone relate? Can anyone offer tips to help me balance my own issues (which I want to deal with) against those that spring from the stress of dealing with my loved ones? Yes, you can make the case that some of my issues surely stem from wacked out family system..yes, Sherlock, they do!).... How can I keep therapy on track and not have it swallowed whole by The Family's own issues (for which they will never, ever, seek therapy).

I feel it would be disengenuous to not flag these issues with a new T. But I feel that enough of my life has been eaten by these crazy-makers....perhaps this is just something that I have to LIMIT my time on...in and out of therapy.

Thoughts? and just so you know, I'm not planning a trip back for a while.....

My husband had to literally cut himself off from his family because being around them caused him nothing but pain and grief. And yes, they hate him for it. And yes, he wishes in his heart he could be around them because, after all, they are "family". But he has not missed the chaos, the bickering, the back-stabbing, etc. that came with being around them.

[stopdog]

My partner (who is a therapy believer and has been doing it for over 15 years) also had to cut off her family contact and, although she grieves them, she believes she is much better off without the constant stress and re-inactments of childhood dynamics with them which kept her constantly off kilter. It was not easy, but she now feels better about herself.
Good luck to you - it seems like you have had a rough time recently.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by stopdog

My partner (who is a therapy believer and has been doing it for over 15 years) also had to cut off her family contact and, although she grieves them, she believes she is much better off without the constant stress and re-inactments of childhood dynamics with them which kept her constantly off kilter. It was not easy, but she now feels better about herself.
Good luck to you - it seems like you have had a rough time recently.

thanks..it has been one thing after another...a real test of my wisdom and grace (both running low)...hearing from you helps!

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Can anyone relate? Can anyone offer tips to help me balance my own issues (which I want to deal with) against those that spring from the stress of dealing with my loved ones? Yes, you can make the case that some of my issues surely stem from wacked out family system..yes, Sherlock, they do!).... How can I keep therapy on track and not have it swallowed whole by The Family's own issues (for which they will never, ever, seek therapy).

I feel it would be disengenuous to not flag these issues with a new T. But I feel that enough of my life has been eaten by these crazy-makers....perhaps this is just something that I have to LIMIT my time on...in and out of therapy.

Thoughts? and just so you know, I'm not planning a trip back for a while.....

My family issues are different than yours, but I can relate to them from my own experience. The first two years I was in therapy, I was still engaged with my family although distantly-- I lived on the other coast, and saw them infrequently (once/year) and spoke on the phone maybe 1/month.

I'm not sure that you're making a distinction between your "own" issues that you want to work on as completely separate from the issues that are generated by contact with your family, but for me they were definitely interconnected. Relating to my family was often good data for understanding some of my difficulties in other areas of my life, so it was actually useful in some ways to be connected to them.

Then I confronted my parents about some of the problems about our family and I didn't speak to anyone in my family for about 8 years (technically, they froze me out, but I didn't reach out to them after they wrote me some scathing letters in response). I was in therapy for about 3 of those years and didn't "waste" much therapy time on family issues. Being free of their nuttiness did definitely assist me in moving forward on some issues, particularly those related to intimacy and relationships, that I don't believe I would have had the emotional space to work through if I were still connected with them.

I was surprised when my mother reached out to me pretty much out of the blue, after 8 years. I had been married for awhile and was pregnant with my son (she knew neither of these things), still living far away from them. I worked things out with them as much as they were capable of dealing with them, and then decided to move forward on reconnecting with them (about a year later). I found myself in a different place with them. I was able to sidestep the nutty family dynamics (by either physically removing myself when I was with them, or by changing my behavior/response in the moment with whoever was doing the nutty thing). The nuttiness was all around me, but I was aware of it and let it pass me by. I was able, and still am mostly able, to deal with them in the present without dragging up and through old stuff. Most of the time, I feel positive about my relationship and connection with them, as if I have figured out how to both be myself and avoid dealing with them in a nutty way. I don't believe that they have really changed at all, but like with many relationships, when one person changes, the others change as a result. And it's not, just to be really clear, that they've admitted that the problems in our family are actually there. It's as if we've agreed to disagree about this issue, and moved on from there.

Even now, being connected with them still evokes some issues and therapy time for me. I have found that this has been a positive thing. It's like being challenged by something-- if you don't allow yourself to be in that situation, like running a marathon or something, then you don't develop the skills (stamina) to be able to confront it in a way that is useful to you. I'm not sure this is clear-- let me try to explain it a different way. The things that have driven me nutty that are provoked by my nutty family: by dealing with them and developing coping skills as a result-- I've been able to use those skills in other areas of my life. I guess now I've gone full circle in essentially saying that if you can change the way you deal with your family so it doesn't make you nutty (not sure that this is always possible), it may benefit you in other areas of your life.

Anne

[lastyearisblank]

My family experiences are different from yours, mcl, and maybe yours as well, Anne. But....... boy can I relate to the difficulty of knowing that one's family/support system are not on board with mental health/therapy/one's diagosis!!! I don't know how to describe it but it's almost like there's not enough emotional space to talk about these issues when they are ongoing. (Don't get me wrong, it can be good to vent!!!! But ultimately that hour is too short and doesn't life have more pressing issues?). ITA that looking at family issues from a safe distance can definitely help but usually after family visits I need a little space from therapy otherwise it's too much.

[WePow]

Do what YOU need to do in order to live a safe life.
It is tough at times, and we worry about our relatives.
But the bottom line is that you have to do what is safe for you.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I made the decision to pretty much cut myself off from my extended family. I simply couldn't handle the constant drama any more. I maintain contact with one aunt and we only talk every couple of months. I can count on my parents to keep me in the loop on important things.

If I could drastically reduce contact with my parents, I would. Unfortunately, I can't, so my issues with them still creep in to therapy quite often. My younger brother took his life over 10 years ago, and my parents completely freak out if the don't hear from me every 48 hours or so. It's draining, it's frustrating, but I'm just not sure I have the courage to change it. Recently, though, I've experienced a kind of shift in my thinking, and it's helped me to move forward in therapy and not dwell so much on family issues. I was talking to my T about something, and I said "but that's my Mom's issue." I stopped when I heard what I'd said, and then I repeated it..."that is my Mom's issue, not mine." I realized that while, yes, her issues do affect me, I do not have to become embroiled in them. I can step back, say "that's her issue" and recognize when it's starting to spill over in to my life. At that point, I have to decide if it's worth making it my issue or gaining some distance and putting those issues off to the side so I can focus on my own things. This has been a new practice for me, so it's still "in work," but I've found that being able to separate my issues from those of my family, and only taking on what is really mine has helped me to move forward in my therapy.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

I made the decision to pretty much cut myself off from my extended family. I simply couldn't handle the constant drama any more. I maintain contact with one aunt and we only talk every couple of months. I can count on my parents to keep me in the loop on important things.

If I could drastically reduce contact with my parents, I would. Unfortunately, I can't, so my issues with them still creep in to therapy quite often. My younger brother took his life over 10 years ago, and my parents completely freak out if the don't hear from me every 48 hours or so. It's draining, it's frustrating, but I'm just not sure I have the courage to change it. Recently, though, I've experienced a kind of shift in my thinking, and it's helped me to move forward in therapy and not dwell so much on family issues. I was talking to my T about something, and I said "but that's my Mom's issue." I stopped when I heard what I'd said, and then I repeated it..."that is my Mom's issue, not mine." I realized that while, yes, her issues do affect me, I do not have to become embroiled in them. I can step back, say "that's her issue" and recognize when it's starting to spill over in to my life. At that point, I have to decide if it's worth making it my issue or gaining some distance and putting those issues off to the side so I can focus on my own things. This has been a new practice for me, so it's still "in work," but I've found that being able to separate my issues from those of my family, and only taking on what is really mine has helped me to move forward in my therapy.

Oh this really struck a chord! I am so worried that my brother's issues, which are long-standing, will affect him to the point where he will decide to end his life It freaks me out. And yet, I'm the one in therapy, dealing with my stuff, and I would PREFER that I would deal with my stuff, rather than his, which will never be solved if he doesn't seek help. But he has never done so. It is a real test of my own strength to keep doing therapy, keep looking at my own challenges, rather than getting mired in the challenges of my family. That has been my own struggle all along, really, and what brought me into the process to begin with. I just refuse, at this point, to take on all of their issues. It helped so much to hear your story. I can envision myself sitting in my new T's office, saying...."that's not my issue." Sigh!