[scorpiosis37]

This is a follow-up to my thread "Important Session Coming up."

I went to T yesterday ready to hear about the conversation my T had with my mom's pdoc-- ready find out about my biological mom's diagnosis, psychiatric history, etc. But when I got there, T said my mom's pdoc rescheduled the appointment! So, no news at the session. However, T talked to the pdoc today and she called me afterwards to give me the main points-- we'll talk more during our regular session next week.

So my mom's diagnosis is that she has Bipolar 1 (with frequent manic episodes) and dementia, in addition to multiple sclerosis. I knew she had something, but I really had no idea it was Bipolar 1. The only thing my dad would ever say is "she's depressed" so it actually feels really good to hear she has something more than depression and to know that her aggression, lashing out, delusions, and irrational behavior can be attributed to manic episodes.

After the conversation with T, I called my dad and told him what T said. I thought he was going to brush it off like usual, but he didn't. He actually opened up and had a long conversation with me, and gave me a LOT more information. Information I had NO IDEA about. He told me my mom had a history of suicide attempts, including a big one right before I was born. My dad came home and found her passed out in her car in the garage from carbon monoxide and he rushed her to the hospital. She almost didn't make it. It's weird to think that if my dad hadn't came home right when he did, I never would have been born. Hearing all of this explains a lot about my mom, but it explains even more about my dad. I often experience my dad as cold, distant, and angry, but I think a lot of that is due to the difficulty he's had dealing with my mom's illness. It also explains some of his reactions to me. For instance, when I was a teenager, I had the habit of starting the car in the garage and THEN looking for the garage door opener. One time my dad walked into the garage and saw me sitting in the car, with the ignition running (i was looking for the opener). He FREAKED OUT and screamed a million swear words at me. I thought he was being an asshole. Now I get it.

My dad told me several other things as well, and it was the first honest conversation we've ever had about my mom. All of the stuff i learned is difficult to hear and process. Right now, I feel like I'm in a little bit of a daze. I'm not upset, I just feel kind of stunned. I want to talk to T about it, but it's too late in the evening to contact her and, by tomorrow, I'll probably be okay and can wait until next session. Still, I wish I had heard this information at a time when I had access to T. I would have liked to be able to process it right away. But, for those who said I shouldn't try and plan how this information was presented to me-- well, I certainly didn't!!!

I'm not sure what to ask for in terms of feedback/support, but I really would like some kind of responses. I don't know how to process or handle this information. I feel really "alone" with this info right now, and would like to reach out!

THANKS!!!!

[PTSDlovemycats]

I'm glad that you were able to get all of that information and that you had such an open meaningful conversation with your Dad.

[Sannah]

Have you been able to contact your T yet?

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, that certainly was a lot of information to take in. I'm glad you were able to have an honest conversation with your dad and that it helped clarify some perceptions of both your mom and your dad. It's a lot to digest, and certainly feelings will emerge as a result. I am hopeful that you will be able to work through whatever feelings you have with T....and of course, PC! (( HUGS ))

[granite1]

that is a lot of information.i'm glad it is allowing you to make a small amount of sence around things that you know from your past.when is your next session with your t

[Perna]

I'm glad you finally learned all this helpful stuff. I never/rarely mentioned I was in therapy to my parents because I knew my Dad didn't like psychiatrists but I didn't know why. My stepmother's and my relationship was most of my problem so. . .

But while in therapy I learned from my aunt that my mother, who was ill from before I was born and died when I was 3, had had seizures from 2 years before I was born and they told her it was "all in your head" and sent her to the psychiatrists when, in fact, she had a brain tumor. This was in the 1940's before they knew much about such things so sort of understandable but that was really helpful having that piece put in its place to understanding my father! Your father's reaction to the car-in-the-closed-garage story reminded me of that.

[scorpiosis37]

Thank-you everyone for the responses and support. It really helps! I really just needed to feel "heard" today!

Perna- Thank-you for sharing your own example with your dad. It's helpful to hear that other people have had relatable experiences.

Sannah- I did send my T a text this morning. I didn't ask to speak with her, just informed her that I had that conversation with my dad and would have a lot to process next session. She sent back a very T-like response of "yes, we will have a lot to process." Honestly, I sort of regret sending the text because I don't think it was necessary. I feel like I "threw" a lot of info at her that probably could have waited until next week. There isn't anything she can "do" about it now. But I think I sent it just because I wanted T to know-- I wanted to just tell someone.

I think I'm handling the information okay; I'm not upset or distressed. But I am still dazed. I feel a little zombie-like. This morning I thought it was Thursday and was half-way to my Thursday class before I realized it was Wednesday, and I needed to be at my office to meet students. Luckily I made it on time! It is hard though to be "present" right now. I wish I could just push this aside so I can function at 100% and then pick it back up when I get to T next week. The only issue I'm having is that I DO have a lot of emotions about it, but I don't have the time/space/support to deal with them NOW. I know T will give me everything that I need next week, but it's hard to wait when this is so on my mind right now. I even had a nightmare about it last night. I was fine as soon as I woke up, but it's just more evidence of the fact that I'm having an emotional reaction that I need to explore. I'm not really sure what I feel, but I feel something. I'm really glad that I know, and it feels good to have this information-- it's just a little shocking because I honestly never would have thought my mom was suicidal. I'm also realizing that, now I have this information, experiences I had a child that I didn't think much about are being reinterpreted in a whole new light. For instance, I remember my mom saying to my dad "I'm going to swallow every one of those pills" and then my dad and her struggling over the pill bottle. At the time, I didn't think much of it-- I was used to my mom's out-of-control behavior. Now, I realize that she was probably still suicidal throughout a lot of my childhood and that was something my dad constantly had to deal with. It makes me have a lot more empathy for my dad.