I saw T today, FINALLY, after 9 days.

It really struck me that my therapy is SO different now than it used to be.

I used to *need* to go twice a week. For over three years. I couldn't hold onto the connection, and each time I saw T, it was like I had to build the trust all over again. And then it would last for a while and we'd have a rupture and be back to square one (or almost square one). Now I see him once a week for 90 minutes, and when I walk in, the connection and trust are THERE. There's no "getting reacquainted" time. It's just me, and T, and I know him and I trust him and it's safe and we can work.

I used to try SO HARD to not dip into the saddest/hardest/scariest feelings...and if I did, I couldn't find my way back out. It would take the entire session, literally, for T to help me get grounded again, and even when I left, the feeling of being lost in all of it would continue, sometimes for days. Today when I saw T, we talked a lot about something that is going on in my current life that is causing a lot of stress (a conflict with a friend) and at one point, my history came up, and the feelings came with it. I felt lost, and scared, and like I wasn't in the room. T knew and I told him I wanted to do something different and we worked together to get me grounded. But a minute or two later, I still didn't feel all there, and I told him, and we tried some other things...and then I was okay, and the session continued. I dipped into what I could and I FOUND MY WAY BACK OUT. And I was okay. And I AM okay. That's how it's been lately. Going in and out of the hard stuff and being able to leave. it. behind. for. now. and be back in my life.

Feelings used to overwhelm me...and they still do sometimes...but T has taught me that they are safe, and I can be okay. I can ask for help, I can write, I can breathe, I can go outside, I can wait for the feeling to pass. It's hard, but I don't have to use the bad coping skills anymore.

I'm coming up on my four year anniversary. Today I wondered out loud, "what have I been DOING for 4 years?!" because there are still these sad, hard things that we're just starting to touch on, even after all of this time together. But I realized, it's just WORKING. The process is working. I don't know how, or why, but it is.

Maybe there will still be impossibly hard sessions, and ruptures, and feelings that are too much...or maybe NOT. But at least I know now that I *can* get to here. Not where everything is all happy and sunny all the time, because that wouldn't be real life. But where I can be more okay than not okay. This place exists.

For ALL of us.

[rainbow_rose]

you inspire me, treehouse

Originally Posted by treehouse

Maybe there will still be impossibly hard sessions, and ruptures, and feelings that are too much...or maybe NOT. But at least I know now that I *can* get to here. Not where everything is all happy and sunny all the time, because that wouldn't be real life. But where I can be more okay than not okay. This place exists.

For ALL of us.

Treehouse, it is so good to hear about experiences of others who are further along in the process....it really helps me to hold on and trust the process.

[FourRedheads]

Thank you, treehouse.

This is so encouraging - thanks Tree. Four years is a long time to hang in there and not quit. It sounds the journey has been so difficult, but you didn't give up and just kept at it. I'm truly inspired. Love to read stories like yours!!!

[dizgirl2011]

It is so positive and gives so much hope to those struggling, thanks for sharing tree!! I am so happy for you!

[granite1]

tree you amaze me.i'm so glad you are in such a place in your T it really gives me hope

I have only been in therapy for not quite 4 months, and the thought of making it to a year, never mind four years seems literally impossible to me...like that time is decades and decades away. Sometimes I'm not sure I'll make it. Reading this is so inspiring, though, to see firsthand that though it is not an easy journey it is a possible one to get to a new and better place. Thanks for sharing.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I saw T today, FINALLY, after 9 days.

It really struck me that my therapy is SO different now than it used to be.

I used to *need* to go twice a week. For over three years. I couldn't hold onto the connection, and each time I saw T, it was like I had to build the trust all over again. And then it would last for a while and we'd have a rupture and be back to square one (or almost square one). Now I see him once a week for 90 minutes, and when I walk in, the connection and trust are THERE. There's no "getting reacquainted" time. It's just me, and T, and I know him and I trust him and it's safe and we can work.

I used to try SO HARD to not dip into the saddest/hardest/scariest feelings...and if I did, I couldn't find my way back out. It would take the entire session, literally, for T to help me get grounded again, and even when I left, the feeling of being lost in all of it would continue, sometimes for days. Today when I saw T, we talked a lot about something that is going on in my current life that is causing a lot of stress (a conflict with a friend) and at one point, my history came up, and the feelings came with it. I felt lost, and scared, and like I wasn't in the room. T knew and I told him I wanted to do something different and we worked together to get me grounded. But a minute or two later, I still didn't feel all there, and I told him, and we tried some other things...and then I was okay, and the session continued. I dipped into what I could and I FOUND MY WAY BACK OUT. And I was okay. And I AM okay. That's how it's been lately. Going in and out of the hard stuff and being able to leave. it. behind. for. now. and be back in my life.

Feelings used to overwhelm me...and they still do sometimes...but T has taught me that they are safe, and I can be okay. I can ask for help, I can write, I can breathe, I can go outside, I can wait for the feeling to pass. It's hard, but I don't have to use the bad coping skills anymore.

I'm coming up on my four year anniversary. Today I wondered out loud, "what have I been DOING for 4 years?!" because there are still these sad, hard things that we're just starting to touch on, even after all of this time together. But I realized, it's just WORKING. The process is working. I don't know how, or why, but it is.

Maybe there will still be impossibly hard sessions, and ruptures, and feelings that are too much...or maybe NOT. But at least I know now that I *can* get to here. Not where everything is all happy and sunny all the time, because that wouldn't be real life. But where I can be more okay than not okay. This place exists.

For ALL of us.

This is where I'm currently at in the therapy process. It blows.

But your post gives me SO MUCH HOPE. Maybe if I just stick it out a little bit longer (realistically a lot longer than "a little bit" but I can't think that far ahead or I'll bolt) and then I'll be able to look back and see how far I've come.

And if what you're saying is REALLY TRUE, then I will personally give you a lifetime supply of cookies.

Seriously, THANK YOU for this.

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

And if what you're saying is REALLY TRUE, then I will personally give you a lifetime supply of cookies.

I. love. cookies.

I actually e-mailed my post to T. I asked, "is this true?". I think I thought, what if I WANT to be better, but I'm NOT better?

T e-mailed back. He said it IS true. He said "All is good, all is good".