[learning1]

I was 15 minutes late today and by the time I got there, t had left (I think). I didn't have a very good reason for being late. I got an email that seemed important to answer when I should have been leaving, but it could have waited. Then my mind was on other things and I drove in a direction I usually need to go, instead of the way I to t's office.

Anyway, I emailed and said sorry for being late as soon as I got back, and I haven't heard from him yet. He often responds pretty quickly but briefly about appointments. I'm sad and worried about it. I didn't ask any question in the email, so I wonder if he might not feel the need to say anything at all. I won't be really upset unless he doesn't email for a few days, because occasionally he does take longer. If he doesn't respond, it would suck because it means he either doesn't care/notice that I don't have another appointment, or he actually intentionally doesn't want to talk to me . I've been struggling over whether I should be doing therapy anyway and struggling over feeling like he doesn't like me, and I shouldn't even care if he likes me. So it would be really hard to ask him for an appointment if he ignores me. Or if he's upset that I was late- and I think he kind of needs the money so I'm a little worried about that.

I can't help wondering if it would be a good thing for both of us if I just stopped going- maybe easier than having to make a point of it. On the other hand, I'm afraid I'll keep wondering if t might be able to help me. It's so hard to tell how long to keep trying when it doesn't help.

You seem to be taking a very minor, human error and turning it iinto a major catastrophe in which your T doesn't like you, is ignoring you, doesn't care about you, etc., etc., etc. The only truly clear headed thing you said was that he might not feel the need to respond at all. I mean, you didn't ask him a question and it doesn't sound like you asked for a response. If you would like to hear back from him, email him again and ask him to respond, and also ask to set up your next appointment. Don't fall into the thinking that if he doesn't respond, he must not care or he's mad or whatever. You aren't the first client he's had that missed an appointment. He can deal with that without turning to anger, etc. Slow down, think a bit more clearly, ASK for what you need. It will be fine.

[learning1]

thanks for replying so fast Farmergirl.

I didn't mean that he doesn't like me because I was late, I meant I've had a feeling that he doesn't like me for a long time. I don't have another appointment set up, so if he doesn't respond at all, it means he wouldn't care if I don't go back. How can that not hurt?

So, is this a test? Just call or email and set up another appointment. Why does he have to initiate that? My T never initiates setting up appointments. That is my responsibility. Sounds like you need to talk to your T about your insecurities concerning therapy with him. Seems like you are doing a lot of mind reading and that almost never ends up being what we think it is.

[learning1]

i didn't get what you mean about a test.

Otherwise, yes, I could set up an appointment even knowing he wouldn't care if I stop coming. (I'm not assuming that's the case, since he might have just been busy and hasn't gotten through his emails yet.) I'm sure he'd keep talking to me since it's his job. But it would be pretty hard to trust him if he genuinely doesn't care to that extent.

[lastyearisblank]

(((learning))) Sorry you missed out on therapy, you must be so disappointed as well as confused!

I have been late for one or two therapy appointments in the past, and have always been left with doubts- like will T take this as a rejection, or a protest? Or fantasies... like worse, what if he or she didn't even notice I was there.

Do you feel like it would help to get in contact again with T and find out what is going on?

[learning1]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

(((learning))) Sorry you missed out on therapy, you must be so disappointed as well as confused!

I have been late for one or two therapy appointments in the past, and have always been left with doubts- like will T take this as a rejection, or a protest? Or fantasies... like worse, what if he or she didn't even notice I was there.

Do you feel like it would help to get in contact again with T and find out what is going on?

I don't know if it would help to get in contact with him. I'm going to wait to see if he responds to me today or tomorrow. Sigh. I can't imagine just ignoring anyone if an appointment was missed and they emailed to apologize. Not a friend, colleague, acqaintance, person I help at my job- no one.

Learning, you are still chalking this up to being ignored. You are putting a meaning onto what is happening that just isn't justified by any evidence. If you cancelled/missed your appointment, it really is up to you to call and reschedule. I'm sure he's waiting for you to ask to reschedule. That isn't ignoring. That's just standard procedure.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Learning, I'm not sure I understand

You had a T appointment
you arrived maybe 15 minutes late
T was not there (????)
so you left (I guess?)
and later emailed, saying I'm sorry I was late
and T has not responded

Is that the way it happened? If so, I too would think that yr T should respond; but then again I wouldn't hesitate to ping again and say, ahem, I said I was sorry for being late, but where were you? I came and you were not there?

just speaking for my T, I would absolutely expect her to hold that hour for me, even if traffic or something held me up for 15 minutes or even more. if I am truly a no show I will be charged for the hour, and I know that, but responsibility cuts both ways.

for you

[granite1]

i know if i missed an appointment and was expecting my T to call or e-mail me to show me the level of commitment that she has to me she would fail dratically.first it is no way to judge someones level of commitment esp a T.i remember her telling me never to quit over the phone because she will not respond and will honer my decision even if she knows it wasnt really what i wanted. i have a weekly appointment schedualed at the same time every week.but i am sure if i had to schedual and i missed an appointment she wouldnt reschedual unless i asked for a new date and time.pleas call and ask to reschedual my feeling is he wont contact you to reschedual that it will have to be you.and i am sure it has nothing to do with weather he likes you or not it is just how T's do things.

[unaluna]

Maybe I am being elitist, but you don't have a cellphone?

[learning1]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Learning, I'm not sure I understand

You had a T appointment
you arrived maybe 15 minutes late
T was not there (????)
so you left (I guess?)
and later emailed, saying I'm sorry I was late
and T has not responded

Is that the way it happened? If so, I too would think that yr T should respond; but then again I wouldn't hesitate to ping again and say, ahem, I said I was sorry for being late, but where were you? I came and you were not there?

just speaking for my T, I would absolutely expect her to hold that hour for me, even if traffic or something held me up for 15 minutes or even more. if I am truly a no show I will be charged for the hour, and I know that, but responsibility cuts both ways.

for you

Yes, you understood exactly what happened sawe.

Thank you. I wondered if other people would expect their T's to wait for them. (forgot to ask that.) I also wonder how long people would expect their t to wait.

My t has a tiny little, nearly empty room with no computer. He has another job where I assume he has a computer. So I understand that he might not want to wait in that tiny room for an hour by himself. I thought 15 or 20 minutes was probably reasonable to wait. If not, I would think he'd at least take responsibility to respond to my email. Maybe he will, but I'm getting less hopeful of that.

I was having a lot of doubts about whether I should be doing therapy anyway, and this is reinforcing them.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by hankster

Maybe I am being elitist, but you don't have a cellphone?

I had forgotten to bring it yesterday.

[learning1]

I understand, as several people said, that if I no-showed, it would be my responsibility to reschedule. Also if I quit, I couldn't expect him to contact me. But I didn't. I was 15 minutes late and I emailed to apologize. Is it that unreasonable to expect him to respond to explain why he left or what happened, to accept the apology or not, and to say what he wants to do about billing?

[nannypat]

I agree with farmergirl and I think you could save yourself a lot of stress by calling or e-mailing him and asking him to get back to you as it was just one of those crazy days that ended making you late when you really hadn't meant to be. Once that is taken care of, everything else can be address in your next session. Sorry you feel so stressed out.

[stopdog]

I would be surprised if t was not there even if I was late. That would throw me off. That being said, I think the first step would be to call and request the t to call you back
If it was not clear from the apology contact you made that you wanted that. Perhaps he is just expecting to see you at the next appointment if ypu have a regularly scheduled time each week.

[learning1]

I don't have a regularly scheduled appointment.

Learning, I'd feel like yourself, I've been late and T phones me to check where I am if I'm not there at my alloted time slots. I'm surprised its been left as it could be that your actions today are communicating something important and its not being "heard".

[learning1]

Well, I don't think I was communicating much by being late, except maybe I was getting too comfortable and being late the way I am in other situations. But I knew if I was late I wouldn't get as much time in the session, so it wouldn't become a routine. I also really had a lot on my mind, so just couldn't focus on rushing to get there.

that's nice that your t is concerned about you and would call you if you're late. I don't expect that from my t, but I think a response to my email is a really bare minimum to expect.

[stopdog]

. Perhaps it is just he has not had time yet. But it might help you to simply call and directly ask for a callback or response to email or to request another appointment since you do not have a set weekly time. Mine did not call or respond unless I clearly asked for that. I was pretty clear I did not want t to intrude upon me so t would wait to get my indication of wanting a response. Also email can get lost either in spam or amongst other emails or late in delivery because of mysterious cyber ways. For some reason my t's responses ended up in my spam sometimes and not others

If i was 15 min late my t would be calling to find out if i was ok. Once when i was five min late she did that. I think your t could have waited for 15 min just to be courteous.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by learning1

I was having a lot of doubts about whether I should be doing therapy anyway, and this is reinforcing them.

You may not want to make it so you unconsciously orchestrated being late so you could quit therapy What happens isn't about your therapist, it's your therapy and under your direction.

I'd call/get in contact with your T, in person, rather than wait to see if he gets in contact with you, make another appointment, etc. or tell him you will not be returning because you don't wish to work with therapy anymore, get his one-on-one viewpoint instead of guessing by e-mail return/no return where he might stand.

Presumably, you knew you were going late before you were; I would have pulled over and called T to let him know? It's a joint effort, therapy; being late is one thing but not letting your "partner" know shows you don't care either? You could have solved it on the phone, rescheduled then or asked him to wait, etc.?

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by learning1

I understand, as several people said, that if I no-showed, it would be my responsibility to reschedule. Also if I quit, I couldn't expect him to contact me. But I didn't. I was 15 minutes late and I emailed to apologize. Is it that unreasonable to expect him to respond to explain why he left or what happened, to accept the apology or not, and to say what he wants to do about billing?

Think your T should only bill you for 15 minutes, as it sounds like you arrived after 15 minutes for the other 45 minutes of your appointment and your T wan't there. If your T wants to bill you for the hour, then where was he when you were there waiting? You missed 15 minutes but he missed 45 minutes - you could have been late for a whole host of reasons.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by Perna

You may not want to make it so you unconsciously orchestrated being late so you could quit therapy What happens isn't about your therapist, it's your therapy and under your direction.

I'd call/get in contact with your T, in person, rather than wait to see if he gets in contact with you, make another appointment, etc. or tell him you will not be returning because you don't wish to work with therapy anymore, get his one-on-one viewpoint instead of guessing by e-mail return/no return where he might stand.

Presumably, you knew you were going late before you were; I would have pulled over and called T to let him know? It's a joint effort, therapy; being late is one thing but not letting your "partner" know shows you don't care either? You could have solved it on the phone, rescheduled then or asked him to wait, etc.?

I didn't have my cell phone with me, as I often don't. I don't really believe in being a connected 24x7 person.

Your first sentence didn't make sense.

I don't agree with you about assuming it doesn't mean anything if he doesn't respond in this situation. In most other relationships in life, if someone showed that level of detachment, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to keep bothering them, unless I just wanted to use them to get something from them and really wanted to be demanding - not really caring about my relationship with them. I don't think it should be okay for therapists to be more detached than anyone else.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Think your T should only bill you for 15 minutes, as it sounds like you arrived after 15 minutes for the other 45 minutes of your appointment and your T wan't there. If your T wants to bill you for the hour, then where was he when you were there waiting? You missed 15 minutes but he missed 45 minutes - you could have been late for a whole host of reasons.

Good point. My guess is he couldn't quickly respond to my email since he only has his text message gadget in that office, and then he forgot about it or didn't feel like it. So I don't suppose he'll remember to bill me. I don't know if he could submit it to insurance since we didn't meet. But if he does try to bill me I will say something.

it seems like you can be angry or pissed at him for not waiting or calling or what ever..but you will never know unless you call him & ask.

now it gets into a matter of a stand off...i am not going to call no matter what regardless & he should have called me...so nothing gets done & emotions spiral. i saw you started another post about ending therapy...i think the other poster had a valid post about perhaps maybe you subconsciously were late on purpose...sometimes when you (in general) don't want to do things it's easy to delay, get involved etc & then arrive flustered, late etc...& if the situation doesn't go 100% correctly it's easy to push the blame onto someone else.

what caused you to be late? did you leave late? traffic? etc...could you have not stopped & called etc?

you are requiring him to be a responsible adult in returning your call but yet you weren't responsible with letting him know you were running late to the appt. had he known that he might have remained.

why he hasn't returned your message, i don't know. my t won't unless i ask ehr to. if i am late i let her know. as far as he knew at the time you blew him off with no notice...

i guess you can piss & moan & complain & not go back but eventually a decision has to be made. put yourself in his place. you never showed for your appt. no notice at the time. he doesn't owe you an explanation...it's the other way around..nor does he owe you any $$..my t 's policy is if i miss a session with less than 24 hrs notice i must pay for the session...

just my opinion. i think at times you have to accept the responsibility & walk the walk & talk the talk. you will never know what happened & the issue won't get resolved unless you call to resolve it.

stumpy