[Lauru]

I feel like getting drunk before therapy. I know, that is totally messed up. I need to go to therapy, but I just want to be numb and drift. Is it acting out? I am sure. Is it seeking attention? definitely. Is it to numb my feelings and deal with this mixed episode? Absolutely.

So why do I still plan on doing it? I am not sure what T will say, if she even notices. I am sure she will notice. She is very astute that way. I am sure I will get people telling me to not do it. I think I will anyways though. I guess I just wanted to tell somebody that I hurt. Hopefully, someday I will find a way to use my words instead of my behaviors/actions. I will be as strong as I can. I will try. I can't promise any more than that.

If you have to drive to therapy, please don't drink. You will put others at risk.

This really is a BAD idea. If you aren't up to going to therapy, cancel. But don't self-medicate with alcohol. You mentioned a mixed episode. If you are BP, alcohol is only going to make the episode worse. Why are you in self-destruct mode? Rather than getting drunk, how about writing down some ideas about what you are feeling, or trying not to feel, and taking that with you to your appointment.

[Perna]

I went there, did that; it wasn't pretty. I think you will regret doing it more than you will get comfort or feel better for doing so. My T almost sent me home right away (I wasn't that drunk). I was rather ashamed of my behavior afterwards.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

If you have to drive to therapy, please don't drink. You will put others at risk.

This really is a BAD idea. If you aren't up to going to therapy, cancel. But don't self-medicate with alcohol. You mentioned a mixed episode. If you are BP, alcohol is only going to make the episode worse. Why are you in self-destruct mode? Rather than getting drunk, how about writing down some ideas about what you are feeling, or trying not to feel, and taking that with you to your appointment.

No worries, I didn't drive drunk. I did drink however. I know alcohol can make everything worse. It's just that right now it is the only thing toning the mania down. I am in self destruct mode, most days. It's a pattern, and frankly, I think that's what I deserve. I don't feel like a good person. I don't deserve happiness. At least those are thoughts in my head. Thank you for your concern. I am ok right now.