I Hate You (to my T)

I hate you, I do, I do, I do.
How will I ever be able to manage?
I hope, I pray I forget you
To avoid that threat of real damage.

28 days I must learn to cope.
Time will drag on and on.
I wonder if I can hang on to any hope.
Tell me, how can you leave for so long?

It’s such a mystery to me
Why these feelings are so intense.
I wonder and wonder how I will be
Because none of this makes any sense.

I met you only last December
Why is there such an attachment?
I really really can’t remember
How to put between us a fresh detachment.

Could my life from long ago
Where I learned to be aloof
Brought me to this place of woe
Though I have no proof?

Did years and years of defenses
Mold the person of whom I became?
And just now coming to my senses
Bringing a hurt that feels the same?

But how can it be known
That these feelings come from the past?
Will it ever be clearly shown
That THEN my life’s role had been cast?

And now, how can I understand this pain?
How can I heal this space inside?
What can I do to make some gain
So I no longer feel I need to hide?

You’ve brought me now so far
To a place of somewhat peace
Like the distant beautiful star
Where all troubles seem to cease.

But now that you’re leaving on vacation
Those old, old fears have come to life
Though much different I still get the sensation
Of a much familiar internal strife.

I’ve tried so hard to keep those fears contained.
It’s been my lifelong pattern I realize
With you they can no longer be restrained
A new way of being I am forced to actualize

Though I hate you, hate you, hate you
We both know that’s not true
It’s just that these feelings are all so new
And letting feelings be felt makes me feel so blue.

Feelings are ok, you tell me so often
They should not be hiding away in shame
By bringing them forth they begin to soften
And then we can meet them and call them by name.

So, now I will introduce my companion named ‘fear’
I will let her be seen and be known
It is only by bringing emotions up close and near
That maybe I’ll stop feeling and being so alone.
.

Trying my whole life to be what I’m not
Keeping emotions tightly and closely contained.
But now that I’m learning what you have taught
I’ll try to no longer be so so restrained.

What can I learn from your long absence?
Will I be able to succeed in this quest
To dig deep and extract my core essence
And not run away from this important test?

I will try; I will work; I will focus; I will vow
To bring the mind to rest in each magical moment
To be conscious and attentive to the here and now
And show you that I was and will be triumphant.

This is how I am feeling lately. Thank you for sharing.

very beautiful and heartfelt

hang in there and continue to post and write. you have a talent!

The therapeutic relationship is so complicated. I wonder how therapist's feel to know that they have people that depend on them like this. Do they really understand the power they have? How can they be trained to handle that? It is almost cruel in a sense. I don't know how they sleep at night. I wish I could figure this out.

Wow so beautiful, what an amazing piece of writing.

Don't think in terms of days, just in terms of moments - as it is always for only this moment that you must cope without seeing T.

(((skysblue)))

T says: "Hate can be very productive. Hate is the dunghill on which beautiful flowers can grow."

You're allowed to hate your therapist. Go for it!

But, you see, I don't hate her at all. I'm just acting out like a spoiled child stomping her feet and making her face blue. A typical temper tantrum.

Hey, everyone's been talking about the 'inner child'. Is that what this is?

I am not sure about the inner child thing, but I think you are experiencing some feelings of abandonment. If this were me, I would be worried she may not come back. Or if she does come back, she won't be the same. Or she may forget about me. Or things will be different, etc...

I don't think you hate her at all. I think there is some transference going on. The hatred is not toward her, but directed at someone else. Maybe even toward yourself?

I have read this post over and over. Trying to really get to the heart of it. Still pondering some things. Applying this to myself and wondering how I would handle this same situation.

Maybe this is inner child? But I don't think you are necessarily throwing a tamtrum. You are afraid. You are acting out because you are afraid of her leaving you and that she may not come back. And if she does, she may not be the same.

Sorry to ramble. Not sure if I made any sense at all. But these are some of my thoughts on this.

Yes, I guess this is it. I never thought I had abandonment issues but it's clear as daylight that I do since the emotions are so strong when T leaves. It is the most bizarre emotional experience because I'm typically not a needy or dependent person. But, wham, my T isn't available and like I've said before, I dissolve in a puddle of fear.

I count the days between sessions. 7,6,5,4,3,2,1 and then - a sigh of relief, my day has arrived. Why? I have no idea. But therapy has unleashed so many strong emotions and she has become my anchor as we try to sort through them and understand them. And she always can see me extra times during the week if I request and I can always call her. Just knowing she's available, even if I don't contact her, is a sense of safety.

But, she's leaving the country for a month. No no no no contact possible at all. I will manage and I will use all the tools she has given me but it's so weird that I need therapeutic tools to handle a therapeutic (not r/l) situation.

But what makes it even more laughable is that just last month I suggested to her that maybe I was done with therapy. Can you believe that I could even consider it given what I'm experiencing now. She said that her absence would be a good indication how ready I am to quit therapy. Well, we have the answer now, don't we?

I think you will be OK. But if not, you'll do a lot of crying and that's good too!

Once again, you have me laughing. Not at you, but because I do the same thing. I think I am ready to 'leave the nest'. I talk with my therapist about it. She questions me and asks me to ponder some things. Or she may talk about meeting every other week if that is what I would like to do.

Then I get upset with her that even suggested we stop meeting weekly! She then reminds me that I was the one who said I thought I was ready to wean off of therapy. She tells me the decision to leave or stay is in my hands. I want her to tell me what to do! She makes suggestions, but does not firmly tell me, 'You don't need to end therapy right now'.

I guess that is part of this whole process. Making us make the decisions. Ask for what we need. Voice our thoughts and opinions about what we think we want to do or don't do. I hate that! Why can't she make those decisions for me?

Like you, I go back and forth on whether to continue with therapy. If I could ever get it in my head that it is okay to be in therapy for this long, I wouldn't be going back and forth so much. Sometimes I think I am going just because it is a habit. Then something happens and I crash! I am right back to where we started in therapy. Or close to it.

I think that when I can go an entire month and still have the thoughts that I may be ready to go to twice a month, I will try that. Until then, I will continue to go weekly. Even if I don't have anything 'great' to share or talk about, I will go anyway. I need to. I wish I didn't, but I do.

Having this separation from your therapist will be one of the hardest things you may have to go through in therapy. I can't imagine how hard this is on you. I would be acting just like you if this were happening to me.

Anger, fear, abandonment, rejection, betrayal, etc.......all of these feelings would maximize in my head. I would hate her. I would be angry with her. I would feel like she abandoned me, rejected me, betrayed me. I would regret that I ever met her and became so dependent on her.

I hope that you post your feelings in here as you go through this period of time. I would like to know how you are able to do it.

I'm not sure how I'll be able to do it but I just contacted the 'substitute' T that I saw the last time my T left and she will hopefully be able to get me in. My T had arranged that the last time. They are colleagues in the same office building.

IME, the anticipation of T being gone was always worse than them actually being gone - you just get into a different groove in your life, you enjoy your 'freedom' - or maybe that's just me, as I am usually tied down to 2 or 3 sessions a week just to keep my butt going. So their vacation is my mental vacation.

I can see that this could be true for some people. But for me, my therapy sessions are not such hard work or when they are, they are satisfying in their own way. So, a sense of 'freedom' does not seem like a likely result of T being gone.

I think my concern is more - who will help me when T is gone if I get triggered somehow? Now, that hasn't been a problem for a few months but just imagining it happening leaves me feeling very vulnerable and unsafe. So, if things are going fine, no problem (more or less). But what if???

You can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yesterday I told T that I had brought her a poem that I had written for her. I said, "The norm is for people to write love poems but I've written a hate poem for you." She replied with a big smile on her face, "Good!"

I began by telling her the title of the poem. But it was a few moments before I could actually say the words, "I Hate You." I finally did and then read the whole thing to her.

When I was finished she responded again with a big smile. She was touched that I would be so open with my feelings. She said she wished more of her clients could be so honest and forthright.

I asked her if she often gets hate poems written to her and she said, "no, this was the first."

But, again, it really wasn't a hate poem, it was a hidden love poem.