A HUGE conflict came up with a friend today. It's SO ugly. AND it involves my oldest son. He is in a conflict with her kids and she's put herself right in the middle of it. It is a totally normal kid conflict being blown way out of proportion and he's being made into a scapegoat. I am always, ALWAYS willing to see my boys' mistakes...they make a lot, like we all do...and in this situation, it's pretty clear to me that her ugliness is really uncalled for. AND at the same time, I don't want to get in the middle of my kids' conflicts with their friends, and here is this other mom RIGHT in the middle of it and it makes me not know what to do.

It was a really hard day. I worked hard to be present...I prayed and meditated and tried to ground myself.

Before therapy I was literally NEVER in conflict with people. I just rolled with whatever happened and assumed the other person was right. Now, I'm in the second pretty big conflict I've been in in the past year. I think part of it is the type of people I chose as friends in the past...I've learned a lot and choose differently now, and I do have really safe, kind friends, but I still have these other, harsher people around as well.

I trust myself more now, and I guess that's why I am willing to stand up for myself. But. WOW. It's really triggering for me. Anger scares me more than anything in the world, and it is VERY hard for me to stay present around anger. I tend to leave in my head and not defend myself or say anything intelligent. It's a reaction from childhood that it's so hard to unlearn...if I can even unlearn it.

Tomorrow I am going to be somewhere ALL DAY where this other person is. All day long. In the same room. We'll be waiting for our kids in classes, so there will be ample opportunity to talk. I'm scared. It probably sounds stupid, but there it is.

So. Tonight, I called T. I didn't even think twice about it. There was no agonizing over it, no guilt about it, no fear. I just did it and asked if he could call back. He e-mailed me and said he can call me tomorrow morning, so we're going to talk at 8:30. I didn't think "I don't want to bother him tomorrow". I just thought "thank you".

I don't know if that has EVER happened in 4 years of therapy. Just needing T, knowing what I need (some coaching about how to get through tomorrow), and calling and asking for it...and feeling okay about it.

I am SO grateful that I was able to call and that he will call back and help me. I am SO grateful that I am aware of how vulnerable I feel and that I'm not afraid to tell T and let him in.

Having that security right now so makes all of the hard work seem worth it.

[skycastle]

Wow, that's so great--you are really courageous. It is neat that you knew what you needed and asked for it and also that your T responded. Best of luck

I can't remember how old your son is. Here's what I tend to do with my sons when something like this comes up, and they seem to appreciate my doing it this way. I sit down and talk to my sons and ask them what the options are. What would they want me to do to be of best support to them in this situation? Sometimes they ask me to stay out of it because they can deal with it on their own. Sometimes we've gone to an administrator (in a school situation) and THEY have talked while I simply sat in the room as support. And sometimes that know exactly how they would like ME to handle it. The point is, when I do make a decision on how to act, I am secure in knowing that I am giving my boys the autonomy to handle the situation in the way THEY see fit. That also tends to keep me from reacting impulsively and emotionally which generally causes more problems than it solves.

Try not to sweat tomorrow too much. A decision on how to proceed doesn't have to happen right away. In fact, it sometimes works best to put a bit of space between the problem and the reaction.

Good for you for asking for guidance from your T. I'm sure he'll have great input.

[roads]

That's a terrific benchmark of your therapy work. Congrats, treehouse, & best thoughts for tomorrow!

[Sannah]

Great work Tree!! You are probably around this woman right now. I think that you will be able to work through not being triggered by anger and every opportunity that presents itself will get you closer to your goal. Can't wait to hear how it went for you today.