[dismantle.repair]

My T has been "gently encouraging" me to reach out to people.
I do, sometimes... but I think too many people know too much about me (i.e. 6...) I hate that. I feel like a burden, or a bother to all of them.
I hate that they know so much about me.
I just want to push everyone away. I should.. I can't handle this.

All the hurt and anger I feel is towards ME. They can't help. They can only say things like, "I know you want this to stop, but it's so simple. Why can't you see that?"
...
me: greeeeeeeeeaaaaat.

Friend 1 *during intervention*: People ahve it worse off than you.
me: Uh, yeah, that's great. Make me feel bad about feeling bad. Woohoo.
friend 2: Why do you do this to yourself?
me: I didn't choose this.

And yet, when I'm visibly shaken and depressed... my mood drops, and I'm alone. They don't bother. They say it hurts them that I hurt, but when I'm totally and completely in a depressive episode, and they KNOW sometimes I need someone to persist in asking me... And say they KNOW i'm not ok... They do nothing.

But I can't be mad at them for this. I can't ask them to accommodate my insecurities...

*finds a hole and crawls into it*

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by dismantle.repair

Friend 1 *during intervention*: People have it worse off than you.

This is a stupid thing to say.

Originally Posted by dismantle.repair

friend 2: Why do you do this to yourself?

This is stupid too.

But perhaps they are not this stupid all the time?

[Wysteria]

Hey Dismantle Repair,

Wow..this is a big deal. And hard to figure out at times. I think I found that there are going to be some friends and family that can be supportive and helpful and some that just can't. That is their deal-their boundaries and capabilities. I was able to find just a few that I could really go to. One of which I even came up with a few key phrases with which to really let him know where I was...so I didn't have to seemingly start from scratch each time. I also became very careful to never cry wolf and only ask for help when I really needed it.

I also try to reach out and be there for my friends as much as I can to help make sure that the relationships stay healthy and because staying "out of myself" is also good for me, frankly. Many times family members unless educated and willing to reach out for guidance in helping you from a professional, will do more harm than good and say things like some of your friends said to you. You just have to rack it up to ignorance or lack or empathy. Some of those people will be toxic to you and you will have to stay away from them and learn not to "expect" anything from them when you really need support.

I hope you will find some good support networks or groups or professionals and friends and family that can be very helpful and supportive to you. I personally have had a hard time with this as well... Best of luck to you and keep searching for there is so very much help out there..you just have to keep asking and keep searching.

Gentle safe hugs,
Wysteria Blue

[Sannah]

Friends can't be therapists.

Reaching out to people is great. Reach out for walks, companionship, support, connection, fun, engagement with life and nature, coffee, meals together, etc. I think that reaching out for people to fix you or help with some big underlying issues (not saying that this is what you're doing) tends to be not so successful. This seems to me like a boundary issue. Perhaps you see "reaching out" as spilling your guts to others, but I don't think that's what your T necessarily means. Ask a friend to go for a walk and that doesn't mean you have to say everything that's going on with you. You can talk about the weather, the beauty around you, a book you're reading, etc. You can acknowledge that you're having a tough time but that support like this really helps. You can protect what is personal to you while still being connected to other people.

Pushing people away usually makes those people feel pretty bad. And if depression is a serious problem for you, it's good to recognize that it is not easy to be friends with a depressed person. I've been and am on both sides. It helped me to remember with empathy that there are struggles and feelings when you are friends with someone who's depressed.

Anne

[Perna]

I found fantasy novels and young adult novels most helpful to me, rather than trying to understand the other people and how they could help me right away? Books like C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce taught me a lot about the push/pull I do and I figured out how to stop it so I don't get tangled in wanting other people to be a certain way when I reach out to them but just enjoying who they are as themselves.

[dismantle.repair]

I'm both afraid of people and afraid for myself.
Thank you so much guys.

[Sannah]

Keep posting...............

[dismantle.repair]

I know my friends mean well.... but I can't change how they feel.
They aren't obligated to stay with me. And I wish they knew I didn't want them around JUST because I need support...
Why is it that we want people to persist asking us, showing they care?

I even want to tell my T I quit. She's asked me why I keep coming back... To me, it was like saying, "Really, why is it that you're coming back when you clearly don't want to be helped?"
Now I just don't want to go back...

[skysblue]

I find it a very very rare thing that a friend can totally empathize with our struggles. Like others have said, choose carefully who you want to confide in. Also, so many people DO care but they just don't know how to help or how to support.

Different friends can provide different things for us - the 'going to the movies friend', the 'take a walk in the park friend', the 'superficial sharing friend', the 'deep sharing friend'.

And that's why a therapist is so so important (at least to me). I can dump anything and everything there. It is wonderful to have that place/space to do that.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by dismantle.repair

I know my friends mean well.... but I can't change how they feel.
They aren't obligated to stay with me.

And I wish they knew I didn't want them around JUST because I need support...

Why is it that we want people to persist asking us, showing they care?

I even want to tell my T I quit. She's asked me why I keep coming back... To me, it was like saying, "Really, why is it that you're coming back when you clearly don't want to be helped?"
Now I just don't want to go back...

This is very important info here ^. Can you talk to your T about this?

Could this be what is going on here - Are you afraid to let people close even though you are screaming for them to show you that they really care?

If this is so, it is so unsatisfying because what you really want you won't allow to happen. So it just increases your demands for it to happen. But then you won't allow it.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by dismantle.repair

She's asked me why I keep coming back... .

I kept going back because T didn't reject me even when I kept rejecting her.

I kept going back because she never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by dismantle.repair

I even want to tell my T I quit. She's asked me why I keep coming back... To me, it was like saying, "Really, why is it that you're coming back when you clearly don't want to be helped?"
Now I just don't want to go back...

((((((((((((((((((( dismantlerepair )))))))))))))))))) You may not have the right reading of what yr T was getting at by asking. She may have wanted you to examine yr goals in therapy - and in another thread you did a great job of articulating them.

As for wanting to quit, not wanting to go back, heck who doesn't have those feelings ?? Someone is messing with your inmost parts. Therapy IS hard work and sometimes it hurts more than anyone would believe, who hadn't been through it - the dismantling phase is painful, but the repair is worth it.

I don't think it's true that you don't want to be helped. I wonder if yr T would not say the same. hugs for you