[inbloom]

So, I think that I may very literally be the worlds.slowest.learner....

I realized as I was sitting here that it was about a year ago that I first joined PC. I started posting a little bit and then stopped, but have kept reading. A year ago, when I came here it was because I was falling apart at the seams. Just.literally. falling apart. And, then I realized that I am back here, posting again because once again, I am falling apart. Somehow, in the midst of my becoming unglued, I become desperate for any kind of support and understanding that I can find, and I have landed here two years in a row. And, THEN I realized, HELLO?!?!?! I fall apart every year about this time....It begins in October and lasts through about January and it is bad bad BAD.

Yesterday when in T, I was telling him about this and about the way that each time I am here, in this place, it feels like the worst it has ever been. I question whether all my hard work has been for nothing. I question whether I have made any progress AT ALL. I turn to bad coping skills. I want to just sleep....AND, I push myself to reach out to try to find some sort of lifeline and connection that may help.

I don't know that there is a point, really, to this post....other than just to put it all into words. I think that it is often so interesting to recognize my patterns. My T tried to remind me that even though I always feel like it is the end of the world for these months, it DOES get better, and so it will, once again.

Right now though. It does not feel like things will ever get better. I feel discouraged, as if I have wasted a whole lot of time sitting on the therapy couch, as if I am a failure at life. It is hard to look past and through the current pain and to believe that things will improve.

Maybe some of you can relate? I would love to hear how others of you have managed to move through these times without losing all hope. I always wish I could handle myself so much better than I do, and with so much more grace and self-control, and I don't even know what?? I am just always always disappointed in me.

((((((((inbloom))))))))

October has always been really hard for me, and it really DOES feel like a huge setback when it rolls around and its hard AGAIN, despite all of the work I've done.

T and I have talked about how things "orbit" in therapy. Something comes close, and it's hard, and maybe triggering, and we may lose a little ground, but we work through it, and it moves away again...until the next time it orbits back around, maybe in a slightly different form, or maybe a different aspect of it. And we work through it again, and it moves away. And even though it feels a little bit the same (like "what? THIS again? I thought I dealt with this!"), it's not the same. We've worked and learned and healed and the fact that the hard thing comes back doesn't take all of that work and growth away from us. They are BOTH true...the healing, and the hard stuff.

Last October, I made a really conscious choice to try to make it different. I planned big things - a half marathon, a tattoo - things that were big and symbolic and that stood for "healing" to me. And you know what? It was STILL REALLY HARD. I think I had this idea I would breeze through and feel great, and it wasn't like that at all. But what I DID end up doing was finally facing the memories and feelings around October. I just let it be there. I talked about it, finally, and told the story for the first time. I allowed myself to be sad even when it "seemed" like I should be happy. I didn't judge myself.

And THIS October, finally, FINALLY, it WAS different. Still a little hard and triggery, but finally manageable. It was the first October I can ever remember that felt kind of okay.

I think we will probably always have things that are hard...certain times of the year, or certain people, or certain words, or whatever. But I also think that the power of those things can become less and less as we work on them in therapy. For me, it's been a slow, slow, slow process, and it's okay. It's okay for it to take as long as it takes.

Be gentle with yourself, inbloom. I spent years (literally) completely falling apart every October, even after starting therapy. It doesn't mean that all of the hard work between Octobers didn't count, at ALL.

Awareness is so good. Reaching out is SO good. You are doing just what you need to do.

[Perna]

One thing that use to help me with seasonal and other patterns was to realize how old I was and how many years I'd had the pattern versus how many years I had been aware and working to adjust the pattern. Everything takes time; there is no waking up tomorrow, "cured". It happens slowly, over time, good things too! You don't enter school at 6 and graduate at 7.

[inbloom]

awww, Treehouse, thank you for responding so quickly. I think that you were one of the first to support me when I came here last year as well. It means a lot to me.

I really like what you shared about the idea that things orbit around in therapy. I think that you are right, and perhaps if I were to look closely, I could see how the hard things have shifted and changed and become a bit more manageable with each orbit.

Unfortunately, what I tend to prefer to do is to remind myself how ridiculous that I am to be dealing with these same issues AGAIN, and hurting because of them AGAIN. I am super super bad about giving myself much credit for growth.

I am also bad about reaching out. This is hard for me. I am usually the go-to person for everyone and not the one "going to" anyone else. SO, again, thank you for the support and for sharing your experience.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by Perna

One thing that use to help me with seasonal and other patterns was to realize how old I was and how many years I'd had the pattern versus how many years I had been aware and working to adjust the pattern. Everything takes time; there is no waking up tomorrow, "cured". It happens slowly, over time, good things too! You don't enter school at 6 and graduate at 7.

Thank you Perna. This makes sense to me, and really, I only clearly identified the pattern this year, although it has been going on for as long as I can remember. Part of what is hard, I think, is that I have been in therapy for a long time, however much of that time was basically about just keeping me functional. The hard work has only been in the past couple of years. It is really easy to fall into, "I have been in therapy FOREVER and I still suck!!"...kwim?? And, it doesn't help that I have the patience of a gnat! I want to feel better NOW...and the truth is, I will probably always struggle to some degree...