to hide behind others pain..........

Went to session..... took the letter that T. asked me to write... a letter to the cousin I grew up with-- he was horrifically(sp?) abused by his stepdad, and now he is an abuser too. T. said the letter was good, sincere and heartfelt ...BUT... she said I just wrote about feeling bad for my cousin's pain and trauma --- I didn't say a word how it all affected me as a little one and how him beating on me and other junk he did when we were teens....
T. said I do this to hide from my own feelings....... she said it was a defense I have.

A defense...?... I'd never thought of it before...

I learned(out of survival) to not feel for me-- just for others. I HAD to know how the mother was feeling from day to day, even before I could walk/talk. If a demand was made on her and it was not an appropriate demand for that appropriate day-- well, it just wasn't an option, that's all. I had to know what my older siblings/their spouses were up to and to stay out of the way when nesessary/able. Seems like "inner-feeling" wasn't an option.

now-- I've been asked to write how I felt about various traumas-- any one I care to.... (there were quite a few).... T. thinks I need to express it.
What if I don't feel the appropriate feeling for each certain circumstance..??..
I'm supposed to CRASH through the anxiety-- the fear of feeling.

... never thought that feeling so much for others was a way to hide from self....

I'm scared to feel, I'm not sure I even know how.
does anyone understand?
.... am so uncomfortable, anxiety abounds!

Also, Having people at my house, I go into anxiety overload --and lots of family
are coming for holiday dinner next week.. Yipes!!! .... also, I've got a class, of which I'm behind in and at work I'm screwing up coz I'm so nervous about other things.... and other junk is still ongoing.....

I don't even know why I made this post
maybe I feel alone, or scared...
or like I'm about to jump INTO a burning building...

fins

I understand and you're not alone.

Wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I just realized myself that I don't feel anything for me...always others. It makes me sad to realize this, because I know I should feel things about certain events, but all I can feel is that it is just the way it is.

My first time in therapy, the T told me that I had been repressing all of my anger and pain, and that in the course of therapy, I would begin to feel that anger and pain. My response was, "No. No, I won't." And I got up and left. When I came back for the next session, he seemed surprised to see me. LOL!

In any event, beginning to feel emotions is intensely uncomfortable and anxiety producing. The whole thing just seems to get worse before it gets better, I'm sorry to say. But the good news is that it DOES get better. It gets easier with practice to feel emotion for yourself. Sometimes I still have to picture what happened to me, but picture it happening to someone else -- some little kid that I don't even know. So, when writing your letter, can you picture what happened to you as if it's happening to some other innocent child? How do you feel for that child?

Rhi

I'm sorry you relate,
though- thank you for being
with me.

i sure wish the anxiety would go down.....
i NEVER go to the anxiety board here-- but I did tonight--
to see what I can do to calm things...
I so don't want to end up with serious health issues like I have in the past when anxiety got out of control....

fins

Really? you got up and left? I think I would have too.

ick... I sure don't like this idea- feeling and it getting more uncomfortable.

I will try that-- feeling for "that child"... maybe that's a way to get it started... Thanks

best to you
fins

(((((((((((((((((( fins )))))))))))))))) what you've said makes a lot of sense to me.

about "what if I don't feel the appropriate feelings for each circumstance" please don't worry about this. Your feelings are YOURS; yr T will not be sitting in judgment over you.

I sense so much downhill rush inwhat you posted. PLease be careful to go slowly, don't let yourself get overwhelmed. T can take care of this when you are in session, but you need to be able to care for yourself in the in between times. many hugs to you for bravery!!

Hey Fins,

You sound like somone with a lot of inner strength, mmore than you even realise and because of the really unfortunate and abusive situations you have been through, you have actually learned to be very empathetic towards other people moreso than yourself. Your T is probably right that it is a defense mechanism which you probably developed as a way to survive and it was maybe very effective to help you at that time but not as useful anymore?

It sounds like you do feel things as you are feeling anxiety, it's just that you maybe don't recognise the feelings you go through. *huge hugs*

I am so sorry you went through so much. I feel very sad that as a child you had to gauge your environment and if it was safe to do things, when you should have been able to be a carefree child and not have adult problems on your tiny shoulders.

Perhaps start with an incident that was bad but that you don't maybe consider a trauma and try to gently approach it and how you felt and see how you get on with that and if you can do that ok maybe move onto one of the traumas. I am sure your T will be proud of you for just attempting to tackle anything in this manor as she will know how hard it is for you.

Take one day at a time if you can, to prevent yourself from feeling overloaded with worry.

**huge hugs**

((((purple_fins))))

I understand, I do a lot to keep myself from feeling, and it seems my emotions all come out garbled or wrong, so I stuff them back down.

I also hate entertaining, and I put myself in that position so often, including next week.

Peace and love purple...I hope you and T can make sense of all this.

fins, you are so special. Your sweetness comes right through your posts.

You probably learned to not focus on yourself because it was dangerous and you probably still believe this and this is why your anxiety goes up just thinking about this. Maybe you need to start with that? Think about how safe you are now and how safe you weren't then and think about why it is scary to focus on yourself.

You can disconnect those connections that were laid decades ago.

I think I DO worry about this. I'll try hard to accept that T. will not judge me for how I feel. thank you
YES-- "downhill rush"-- that's just how I feel.... ugh-- having critical family staying at my house for the holiday weekend-Ive got to clean and clean or else it will be pointed out what a failure I am, and messing up at my work(I hate making stupid mistakes- I "check out" - I'm just there physically but NOT really there) such mistakes cost the company money, and I have to take an exam this afternoon of which I'm so unprepared! (and also holding my breath that H will NOT drink this weekend-- he's been trying real hard to not overindulge) ...... I think I'll put off the "feeling letter" assignment for a bit....
Thanks for noticing that "rush" -- I always wonder if it's just me... and so then that's when I tend to go numb--then my physical health pays the price... I guess I don't trust my own feelings

Yes, I think you're right too. It sucks though-- we are supposed to learn things as children that we CAN take with us and use as adults-- that's in our make-up. and so I did learn and I did take into adulthood-- and it's helpful things that were ONLY helpful in childhood and so now I am stuck in this childhood way of dealing with things... it sucks....
Gee, thank you for this I didn't think of it in such terms-- "adult problems" and "my tiny shoulders".... yea, thank you.
and thank you also for the advice on getting started with this "work" I need to do.

YES-- emotions come out garbled and wrong-- and YES-- I stuff them back down. Gee, that is just how it is for me too! because they are garbled - it's confusing and how can "confusing" be right?! ya know?!
Thanks WikidPissah
and, I wish you much luck next week with entertaining --know you're not alone with this struggle

and --Thank you Sannah
*gasp* YES-- it was so NOT safe to have focus on me(that's how the abuse and traumas came about)-- how did you figure that out Sannah?!(I think you are quite wise) I do so hate attention, makes me very nervous... even starting a thread like I did here, is a HUGE struggle for me. and no one can even see me or touch me here!
You know-- T. just said that this week-- that I am safe-- that it's OK and safe to write and feel my feelings. (I've never kept a journal-- just not safe) I thought the only way I can be safe it so keep it all inside-- way deep inside-- safe.

thank you all for your replies-- your words are priceless to me.

thank you

I must go now-- have so so much to do.... blech....

fins

Fins, I so could have written that about having company at my house, especially at the holidays.

Just reading your post, I can see the anxiety coming through...probably moreso because I know what it feels like.

Something I'm finally starting to learn is that this is my life, and I'm an adult now, and I get to control what happens in my life. That means that if I don't get my house spotlessly clean, and it bothers my company...then they can either clean themselves, or go stay somewhere else. I can't control the actions of anyone else. I can't make everything perfect, and I'll drive yourself crazy trying to. Maybe you can take some of that in and use it...if you're ready to. Sometimes, for me, just repeating outloud "this is MY life" helps remind me that I don't have to make everything perfectfor everyone else anymore.

Well, I have made an entire career the past 20 years or so out of working with domestic violence victims, so I like to think that some good has come out of my defense. In the beginning in my work, I think it was all about defending. As time went on, I think it became more about learning-- learning to use what I felt for others to develop compassion for myself and what I went through in my childhood.

So, it's not *bad* that you feel compassion for your cousin. I would say that you can use it as a stepping stone to understand your own feelings. Examine your empathy for him piece by piece, see if there's a parallel for you.

I hear you on the anxiety. It happens when you get close to stuff that is important to work on. I've tried to accept my own anxiety as a message that I need to pay attention to something. When I do pay attention, it goes away. As always, I recommend anything by Pema Chodron, especially Taking the Leap and When Things Fall Apart. I know very little about Buddhist spirituality, but her books have great understandings and great techniques for how to deal with anxiety.

Anne

Sorry you can relate Rhi.

I tried really hard to use that as my mantra-- "this is MY life"... but... they all broke me down........ it was waaaay too hard after the 2nd day of them.... and I still had two more days to go.... *sigh*....

I had anxiety for good reason-- the holiday was a mess.....
I HATE FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why are people so mean?? it was very awful....
today I find I can't think straight...
mind is like in ---"muck" still-- it was covered that way, to stave off the insults, arguing and drunkeness........ feels like I've just been through a triathalon without training first..... I'm beat...........
sometimes I feel it takes too much fighting/struggling/energy just to try to be treated the way most people take for granted.... with respect, appreciation and compassion.

blech.... sorry I'm complaining... I'll be quiet now

fins

Thank you Fuzzy

Thank you 3rdtimesthe charm
I'll have to go over what you wrote... just wanted to thank you now for your reply.... don't think I can grasp much at this time..... mind is like mush
I will re-read your post later.

so very tired and down......

later
fins

Do you have to expose yourself to a toxic family?

that is a good question Sannah.
Do I have to expose myself to toxic people??
is there/was there another way.... i wonder..

They were staying at my house from out of state... I fear it would be so cruel of me to kick them out

I think i get confused over boundaries and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings my mother in-law is (even other people have said this) quite rude and VERY controlling.... and also H is always protected by her, he can get away with drinking too much as I'm then expected to accept her son's behavior. (she worships the ground he walks on-- he does no wrong-- only I do wrong if I speak to desire behavior changes "Your husband works hard, of course he's got to take the edge off with a few drinks, you should be thankful he works so hard"..... should I be thankful?..then I get confused... am I unappreciative? do I ask for too much? ...as our sons see their dad passed out at 6 in the evening on Thanksgiving)

We've been to couples counseling together.... I really fear I will have to seperate, to have any hope he will stop drinking...
but he is the only person I have as a friend...
I have no one else to turn to, no where to go,
not one other person
cept the T. I see. (all my life it's been so hard for me to trust anyone)...

I wish I could not be so protective of self... I've isolated myself, my whole life....
I hate that I do that and the way I feel about people... they're all so frightening to me....
why can't I just put down the shield and join humanity???
gawd... I'm sick of being alone.....

thank you Sannah for asking that question, I believe I need to think about those kinds of questions.

fins

Fins - I'm so sorry Thanksgiving was difficult. I know what you mean about getting beat down and having a hard time believing when you tell yourself "this is MY life." I finally had to pair it with something else to be able to believe it. I had everyone telling me the "best way" to raise my puppy, and I finally said..."this is MY puppy and I'll raise her how I want," then that led me to the realization that this is my life and I can live it how I want. So, when I'm struggling to remember that, I start with "this is my puppy, I can raise her how I want...this is my life, I can live it how I want." Sometimes it helps. Maybe you could find something you're protective of, and pair the reminder with that.

You're not alone in this. It's so hard to say "no" and worry about hurting someone's feelings! In the end, though, catering to other peoples feelings means you risk hurting yourself instead. I'm still learning this, and it's really, really hard to put in to practice. Maybe you can start small, though. Not sure what that would look like, but maybe starting with identifying and enforcing some small boundaries will help to build up to those big boundaries.

I know that thought pattern too. When you're always being told you should be thankful for things, you start to wonder if it's okay to want more, want better. It's really hard to convince yourself that you deserve better than you have, when someone is always telling you to be thankful for things. I think you can be thankful for some aspects of a situation, while wanting to change others, and not be asking for too much. It requires a shift in thinking, though and that's hard to do. Maybe next time your MIL says you should be thankful for your husband working, you can reply that you are very grateful for him working, but still don't appreciate the drinking and that not appreciating one thing does not mean you aren't grateful for the other. I know, much easier said than done...I'm trying to figure this one out too.

fins, in no way was I suggesting that you leave your husband.

Thanks Rhi. That's good you're finding ways to cope with others unwanted input.
I do try that, I try so hard-- just, H's mother is VERY insistant and controlling and degrading-- she will go on and on and ... Like(this is a little situation) if I put a tiny bit of nutmeg in the hot cider, along with cloves and cinnamon she will go on for 10 minutes how it would be better if I made it like she does and how she can taste the nutmeg and it's weird and that's not how it's supposed to taste and if she only brought HER recipe then she could have proved to me the way it's supposed to be made....etc..etc...(she'll go on about my cooking, housekeeping, child rearing, dog care- you name, she'll degrade it and her way is always THE best)

I do stick up for myself when I just can't take anymore... but by then, I'm in meltdown mode.
Yes, I have done that-- many many times... I believe she thinks I should accept the "bad" as just being a part of my life. it's like she's desperate for me to just put up with it.
You know something?!?!! I just realized she does that, coz it goes along with her narcissistic tendencies! wow-- yea, I see why she wants me to just put up with it-- so she can come and stay in a house that is the way SHE needs it to be-- 1 husband, 1 wife, 2.2 kids and a dog.... that is HER comfort zone.
Gee-- thanks!!
-- I'm going to talk about it with T. this week. How it's not about ME and how her and H are tearing me up(she doesn't even want to consider that!)--- it's about HER and how SHE wants things to be....

Oh Sannah, I know that wasn't your point.
it's just something I've been thinking about --- quite a bit actually, in the past year or so ...
I'm just very tired of "settling" for so little-- like being disrespected, lied to, unappreciated, to name a few.... even though it's all I've known from my birth family, to my H and my in-laws...
T. is helping me to see that I might be worth more than that.....
I just might be.....
T. has been there whenever I've really needed someone-- I've never ever had that till now...

Your MIL sounds like a huge handful....... A handful to be ignored. Not worth your attention.

I'm glad that you got this insight into your MIL. I so agree with you.